Wedding Blues (Or Angry Reds)

 Wedding season is upon me and I’m not ready.  Every year it gets harder and harder for me to go to weddings and be single.  The inevitable question "So have you met anyone special yet?" always pops up.  And my answer is getting nastier as more time goes by.  "No.  Michigan has no good men in it who aren’t already snatched up."  I need to tone it down.

The problem is that people assume so much when you go to a wedding single.  They think you’re focusing on your career (yeah, not so much) or that you don’t want to be married just yet (again, completely wrong) or that there are tons of options, I’m just picky (couldn’t be further from the truth).  Worse is when they think I don’t even try.  They offer all kinds of advice for online dating or tell their story, that at 20 they had the worst boyfriend ever (or no boyfriend) and suddenly Mr. Wonderful appeared and everything was sunshine and roses.

Great.  I’ve done online dating.  I’ve done in on different sites and with an open mind and an honest attempt.  No good.  And I’m not 20 anymore.  I’m closer to 30 that 20 and I’ve met a Mr. Wonderful a time or two.  I actually do know what love is and means and the sacrifice and the tears and blood….  But its not always Prince Charming and perfect.  All you need is not love.  The Beatles lied.

As you can see, I get a little bitter and angry during wedding season and that is really the last thing I want.  Except the other choice isn’t nearly as fun either.  Instead of focusing on me, I focus on the bride and groom.  The day is really all about them anyways, so it shouldn’t matter whats going on in my life.  I look at their smiling faces and try to catch that moment when he sees her for the first time in that dress and his breath catches.  I try to catch the moment at the ceremony when they look at each other in utter glee and happiness that this is actually happening.  I like watching them hold hands through the reception.  I love catching that moment when he gets distracted and can’t stop looking at her, knowing they are really married.  And I love it when she finally looks up and sees him watching her.

Its so lovely and beautiful and turns that lonely knife in my heart just a little bit more.

I had an OD friend recently talk about how she works hard for what she wants, but you can’t work hard at creating the Mr. Right-for-You.  There’s no studying, no class, no degree, no long work hours that will get him to appear.  Yes, you can work at relationships, but you have to actually have a relationship.  You have to actually locate Mr. Right-for-You.

I do not want to be the Negative Nancy on someone’s wedding day.  I don’t want to be sulking and bitching in the corner that life isn’t fair and why can’t it be me and how stupid the bride and groom look…  Because thats the direction self-pity usually goes.  I go from hating my life to attacking those around me.  Thankfully, the first wedding is Lulorial’s.  And I am actually incredibly happy for her.  Hopefully being the maid of honor will also keep me too busy to wallow.  Except that happiness comes with that knife in my heart and I’ll still probably end up in tears before the night is over.

I wish there was a way to better deal with this because there are four weddings this summer.  Three I’m very excited about, but Ann and Andrew…  There’s just a lot of family baggage there.  Ann and her family have really treated me like crap and I have a lot of resentment about it.  Ann’s also never had her heart broken.  Getting dating/love advice from a 22-year-old who has never experienced the crushing experience of a broken heart is a little insulting.  It makes me want to manipulate a situation so she can experience what it feels like to have the love of your life spit in your face (so to speak).  Except that’s petty and cruel and just not nice.  I don’t really want Andrew to leave her broken-hearted.  They are perfect together and I’m incredibly happy for them.  Really.  Its just hidden by this layer of jealousy, pain and anger.

And I know I’m jealous.  I wish my life could be so goddamn perfect too.  But I didn’t do college in four years right out of high school.  I’ve amassed huge debts and had nervous breakdowns, tried to kill myself and had my break broken.  I didn’t have the perfect life, and really I don’t want it.  But I’m angry and jealous that she gets to look down from her high horse and shake her head at me, the black sheep of the grandchildren.  Well, screw you princess.  Maybe I will wear my recital dress to your wedding and make you look like a frumpkin.  If only that was really the solution….

This was supposed to be a wiser entry, coming to some grand conclusion.  But my bank froze my debit card and I’ve spent the better part of an hour trying to convince them I was in Tinley Park yesterday.  Grrrr…..