we won’t rewind this time

I’m doing that thing again. Trying to find my place in the world and making sure I don’t screw everything up again. I went home over Easter and a lot of things happened in basically two days time. But this entry is about my future and my life.

There are no certainties in my life. There is nothing conrete and permanent that I know will never change or leave or fail to exist. I’ve never liked change, but I’ve tried to accept it. This isn’t my point. There are no certainties in my life, even my hopes and dreams change day to day. That is most annoying. I went home for Easter and my mother regaled me with all the tales of the problems in our church, how the bell choir is faltering, how the secretary is bad, how things are getting missed, how hymns aren’t being picked correctly, how things just aren’t run as smoothly as they could be, how everything is frustrating my father to no end. She said he’s stopped coming on Sundays when he’s not playing organ. Neither of them have been extrememly happy with Keith’s preaching lately.

So during the first service, I was sitting in the balcony thinking, which isn’t always a great idea. I could take over the bell choir. I know how to play; I’ve had crazy extensive training and I really do enjoy ringing. I could also take over Hazel’s position as church secretary. This may seem like I’ve just kicked two people out of our church, but neither of them are members. Hazel goes to a different church and Bob is only there for the bells; he also has his own church. I know I could do a great job in the church office, my training at the law firm has shown that. I know I could conduct the bells; I’ve done it before. So I was thinking, I’ll graduate with my degree. I want my college degree. I can move back to my hometown, be the church secretary, bell director and even teach privately on the side. That’s viable, that’s financially sound. I wouldn’t live with my parents, but I could get an apartment and eventually a house. And even if I wanted to, I could get my Master’s and teaching certificate and start teaching in the public schools. Mr. J has said over and over he would hire me in a heartbeat (as long as there was a position for me.) There you go. There’s my future, my life. Things might change a bit from that. Maybe I’d get married and have a few kids, but that would be it. It would be perfect.

But what about Europe? What about traveling over there and seeing if I could make it? What about performing and traveling around the world? What about London Symphony Orchestra? What about my golden ring? Is that really my dream, my heart of hearts dream? Or is it just something I’ve created to give me direction while I figure out where I belong? Is where I belong back home working and living there? Every time I think I’ve figured out where I’m supposed to be heading, something comes along and T-bones the side of my life, knocking me completely and utterly off-balance. What the hell am I supposed to go? Can’t life just leave me be and let me go in the direction I’ve set? I’m tired of changing course so much. There’s always a need for adjustment along the way. I’m okay with that. But full-on complete shifts in heading?

So here I go…

Don’t wanna think about it anymore
Lying curled and naked on the floor
And I don’t wanna hear those words you say
What were they anyway

Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
So here I go (so here I go)
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Geronimo

Don’t wanna get up out of bed today
It seems much harder than was yesterday
And I don’t wanna hear those words you say
What were they anyway
What were they anyway

Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
So here I go (so here I go)
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Geronimo

Geronimo!

Let’s leave today
And forget everything
Can’t really take this place
So what you say

Lets leave it all behind
And don’t look back
We won’t rewind this time
Let’s get away

Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
So here I go (so here I go)
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Geronimo

Geronimo ~ Unwritten Law