we walked along a crowded street

I’ve found a new and different level of self-confidence. While it may seem that this level depends on other people, I don’t think it really is. It is linked to those around me, but no longer depends on them to survive. The self-confidence has blossomed from my friends, my true friends. These are the people who have overcome geography, hardship, and time to remain friends with me. I’m not saying they put in all the work and I let them come to me. There is always give and take. But I’m worth something to someone. Many someones. I’m valued by people who have known me for over a decade, some nearly two decades. They’ve seen me at my social worst, when I was the least likeable person ever and when I was too egotistical to bear. Years later, we’re still friends. I don’t know what it is about my high school, my junior high, my elementary school. But in a bar, or a store, we still say hello and ask about each other’s lives. Sometimes it is in that polite ‘I-don’t-really-care" way, but sometimes it is in that genuine "What-have-you-been-doing?!" way. The truly interested kid from math class, who says to his parents "Guess who I saw! Guess what she’s doing!" I do the same thing. There are some people I run into that I don’t really remember or care to be remembered by. You can tell they don’t actually care and haven’t really grown up. They just want to remain popular in everyone’s mind. But there are others who actually care. Then there are the closer friends. The friends who have your phone number and know what state you live in. They know what phase of life you’re in and any major changes that occur. You don’t see them often, or even get a chance to speak often. But when you do, it feels like things haven’t changed. Perhaps the topics of conversation has been altered from science homework and dating drama to cooking ideas and work drama, but the relationship is still there.

I have great friends. I don’t know why I could never see it before, but I have amazing friends and family. They are wonderful to me, priceless beyond belief. So why do I put up with people who mistreat me and betray me and step all over me? I’ve turned a corner recently, because I won’t do it anymore. There is a part of me that is closed off this semester, shoving my head in the sand. I’ve got my close, college friends and the people I know inside the school of music. But I’ve got less than a semester left here, then I’m out. Those people I’m close with, I’ll always be close with. Distance, time and hardship won’t change that. And if it does, it wasn’t meant to be. But I’m not into putting a lot of effort into new relationships right now. Classmates are not instant friends. They are classmates. You talk about class, assignments, tests, the weather – basically the aspects of school. But I wouldn’t share the intimate details of my broken heart or romantic issues. The reverse is true. They don’t open up to their classmates either. Most senior and junior level classes seem to be like that. By that time, you’ve created your groups within your own major or living situations and aren’t really looking to branch out too much. That doesn’t mean you are cruel, still nice and kind with a "we’re-all-in-this-together" attitude.

I’m not going to put with bullcrap from people anymore. Specifically Newfie. I’m sick of getting my hopes up that he’s coming to visit and being dissappointed. I’m sick of missing him and needing him, but not walking away because he claims to want me in his life. It hurts too much, and he’s constantly hurting me. I deserve better and damn it, I have better. I have great friends who know how to treat me and how to appreciate how I treat them. They understand friendship is a two-way street and they are willing to give as much as they receive. Newfie has bleed me dry and I have nothing left to give him. It may seem juvenille and immature, but I unfriended him on Facebook, removed him from my phone. His number, email and address are still in my address book and that’s fine. But Facebook feeds give you everyone’s daily updates and its a constant reminder of him and what he’s doing. Makes me angry that he has time to do all those things, but never had any time for me. As busy as my other friends are, they all eventually make time to me. Just as I make time for them. It may not be that day or that hour, but within the week or at worst, the month. Depends on the situation. He never made time for me. I was never important to him, just someone to be used when he needed me or thought he might need me. And I’m tired of feeling like that. I’m worth more. So this was goodbye to him. Sadly, I don’t think he’ll even notice. And it he does, it won’t be for months. Doesn’t that make me feel important?

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Almost Lover ~ A Fine Frenzy