We have to succumb to the feelings

I talked to Mike last night. I was suppose to call him Sunday afternoon, but I watched Mission Impossible instead. I kinda wanted to blow him off a little. But I did call him on the way home from work. We talked. It was good and interesting. He said some stuff I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear and he said some stuff I needed to hear. I asked him what I meant to him and followed that by saying I needed to be more than an upstate booty call. I told him I knew he didn’t want a relationship and I didn’t want one either. But I needed to be more than a layover fuck. I wanted to be friends. He said he understood, but he wanted to make sure that I knew he didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship and get tied down. He’s not wanting that and frankly neither am I. (We repeated a lot of stuff.) But he told me that he still wanted to be friends. He thinks I’m a really cool person. He told me that he knew if he walked into a room with me on his arm, I would glow. He said I have confidence, grace and class. But he said that I tended to be selfish sometimes and I needed to find some kind of direction for my life. Which is stuff I already know. I suppose in our relationship I have been rather selfish, but its a relationship based on what we each want. Sometimes they coincide and sometimes they don’t. Anyways, he was honest with me and I really appreciate that. He told me that he’s never found a woman who was able to really accept and be in his life with the career choices he has made. And I agree, that being involved with someone like him is very difficult. And I don’t really think that I could marry him or even have a long-term intense serious relationship. He said basically our arrangement right now, for lack of a better term, is friends with benefits. It is a crappy term to use, but it really applies. I told him that’s fine with me, but I did want to be friends, not just “benefits”. He said he understood and was fine with that. I kinda think we rushed into things a little bit. I almost wish I could go back and not sleep with him as soon as I did. But I know he thought we rushed things a little bit too. So hopefully we can be a little more friends than we’ve been lately. Its hard because it takes a lot of effort on both our parts to do that. I don’t see him at work, or around town because he lives in the city. And that’s ok, but its just a little harder to call him up and be like “Let’s go to dinner” or “Come hang out with me and my friends for the evening.” And we are both very busy people so its hard to find time. But he told me that I could call him anytime I wanted, which was nice. I don’t want a “phone relationship” cause those suck. I know, I’ve done them before. But sometimes you gotta take what you can get. I’m gonna try not to call him all the time, like everyday. He needs space and I need space. I have things I need to figure out in my life and he does too. So I’ll call him sometimes. I wish I knew how to get to his apartment, cause I wouldn’t mind driving down there sometimes. He always comes up here, which is ok and his sister is up here too, so its like two birds with one stone. Although lately he’s been missing me. Anyway, that’s the way things are. I’m not mad at him just frustrated with the situation. But I think I need to open up to him a little more. I’m still pretty guarded around him. I just need a boy. Someone local, or more local than he is. I don’t want a serious relationship but something a little more than me and Mike. But I lack the actual boy to make that work.

Oh well. Kaba and I hung out last night. I was stressed because of work. Yesterday I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off and today really isn’t much better. I’m only skimping on working right now because my dad is downstairs at a closing and I wanted to get some stuff out. We went to Destiny’s and her mom’s after dinner. It was nice cause I haven’t been there is so long and I really like Mama Dukes. Although everytime Kaba calls her that I think of Kathleen’s mom cause thats what we called her. But it was fine and nice to be able to smoke inside rather than outside in the freezing weather. After we took Destiny to work, we strated driving and neither of us were tired. Kaba offered to give me gas money if we drove around for a while. Which was nice because we always drive my car and I end up footing the bill for gas. We got Dunkin’ and ended up driving to CT. It was funny cause we kept seeing signs Welcome to Conneticut but no New York signs. I think we did that two or three times. We were trying to get somewhere other than where we had been, but we kept ending up back at the same intersection. Which was really strange considering we kept picking roads that went south and east. But it was the middle of nowhere and we could see so many stars. We even saw Chris’ star really brightly. If it hadn’t been 1am and in the middle of nowhere, I would have gotten out of the car and looked around more. But we didn’t want to be raped by the wild animals out there, so we stayed in the car. We had to go to the bathroom so bad, but in Bumblefuck, NY there are no 24 hour gas stations. We found a Cumberlands in Armenia so I could at least fill my gas tank. It was fun. You know you’re in Bumblefuck when the strip mall includes a Tractor Depot. After circling around for a while, we found a sign that pointed to Danbury about 30 miles away, so we followed it. I don’t think we were really lost, but if we started backtracking it would be the same as driving to Danbury so we kept going. It was funny cause we had to pee so bad, but neither of us wanted to go in the middle of nowhere with those damn raping animals. We finally found a Hess station, but they had no public bathrooms (damn the Arab!). But farther up was a Citgo or something. So we bought some candy and went potty. That town was funny too. There were these ghetto kids hanging out on a street corner, so we thought we had actually found civilization. But then we saw a Hubcap House and an actual John Deere store, so we decided it wasn’t civilization. It was just New Bumblefuck because they had a 24 hour gas station. We finally found the highway and headed back to NY and the Welcome to New York sign. Kaba fell asleep a bunch of times although she won’t admit that she did. It kinda pisses me off because she never admits that she falls asleep. I don’t really care, but don’t deny it. And I know she’s asleep cause I’ll ask her straight out. If I don’t get an answer, I know she’s gone. It kinda sucked though because I was tired and cramped and she’s relaxing next to me. I made a small suggestion that maybe she could drive a little bit and she blatantly refused. I would have just been nice to get a little break. We were driving, correction, I was driving for like 4 hours straight. But oh well.

There is more, always more, but I really need to get back to work. Phones ringing and hopefully my dad will be back up here soon.

Do you think I’m faking
when I’m lying next to you?
Do you think that I am blind
nothing left for me to lose?
Must be something on your mind
something lost and left behind
Do you know I’m faking now?

Do you know I’m faking
when I’m lying next to you?
Do you know that I am blind
to everything you