vexing vocabulary runs right through me

So much for writing every single day. What happened yesterday? Nothing really. School and studying. I talked to Nitta in the evening which is always great because I feel loved when people call and talk to me. In English today we did a study guide for the test on Monday. As he was handing it out, my prof said “Find the smartest person in class and work with them on this.” As he was saying it, both Melissa (who sits in front of me) and Susan (who sits next to me) pushed their chairs next to mine. They did it so suddenly, simultaniously and without warning, it scared the living hell out of me. I screamed and everyone just started cracking up. Melissa said my face turned bright bright red. Even Prof was laughing about it. It was kind of nice, in a way, to be wanted and needed.

I went shopping this afternoon for about an hour, maybe less. I needed a battery for my calculator and ink for my printer. I also had a gift certificate for the mall, so I went into a few different stores to see what I wanted to buy. I ended up getting three new CDS! I got Staind’s Chapter V which is albsolutly amazing, the new Coheed CD which I’ve been dying for and a U2 Greatest Hits album. I’m really excited. I forgot how buying new music makes me so happy. I love new music!!

I picked up Eleana and Jeremiah from daycare today cause Brian had some guys working on their house. Both of them were excited to see me, and thats a great ego booster. Its nice to be appreciated and loved, even by children.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my male issues, but I think I’m just gonna let things happen. I’ll see Justin on Friday and I’ll see Paul on Sunday. I think I’m going leave Eric out of all this because he’s still in Montana and thats not changing anytime soon. So we’ll see how it all plays out!

Two nights ago (so like yesterday’s last night) I went to bed relativly early, around one in the morning. I had been studying with my iTunes playing and some old “Tim” songs came on. I don’t know if its because I’m in a funk or tired or its just been time to cry, but I went to bed in tears. I’d forgotten how much it hurt and all that pain came crushing back. I still wonder why, wonder what I did to not deserve him. I wonder how I screwed up and why he walked away from me. I thought I had gotten over it all. Maybe I’m still repressing it, but I hope not. Its been enough. Its been long enough. Maybe its because I’m finally writing Mike out and trying to move on. I never really loved Mike, not the way I loved Tim and Matt. Even though I would fantasize sometimes, I knew that Mike and I would never really work out. Which isn’t a bad thing, but maybe I haven’t moved on as much as I thought I did.

Do we ever really move on by ourselves, or do we just move onto the next boyfriend?

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I’ve done wrong
and how long it’s been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I’ll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I’m going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

My head’s spinning
Boy, I’m in a daze
I feel isolated
Don’t wanna communicate

I’ll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub
To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Vexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can’t find

I’m not crazy
I’m sure I ain’t done nothing wrong, no
I’m just waiting
‘Cause I heard that this feeling
won’t last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I’m feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I’ve had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I’ve Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I’m feeling, yeah, I just don’t feel right

I’ll keep searching
Deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don’t wanna hurt no more

I need peace, got to feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain – going insane
My heart aches, yeah

Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can’t find

I’m not crazy,
I’m sure I ain’t done nothing wrong
I’m just waiting
‘Cause I heard that this feeling won’t last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When ya gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I’m feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I’ve had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I’ve Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I’m feeling, yeah, I just don’t feel right x4

You can tell me to my face,
You can tell me on the phone,
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
‘Cause I really need to know

You can tell me to my face
You can tell me on the phone
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
‘Cause I really need to know

You can write it in a letter, babe
You can write it in a letter, babe

Never Ever ~ All Saints