Vassar & Rilo Kiley

Last night was the first Vassar rehearsal. I convinced Brian to go with me. He has his All-State concert the same day as the Vassar concert so that means two things. He can’t play in Vassar and I can’t go see him in Rochester. Which sucks, cause I was going to join that trip to see my uncle too. But he said he still wants to come to rehearsals with me anyways. Which is awesome cause I love my little brother.

There is also another oboist who I think will actually last the semester. She’s pretty good. And by pretty good I mean she’s a bit better than I am right now, and I haven’t practiced all summer long. So it will make me want to practice as well. She’s a freshman from CT and pretty nice. There are six songs in the folder so far, and we probably get a few more before we decide what we’ll play. Out of the six, four include English horn and three of those four have SEPERATE English horn parts. Which means that the English horn is predominant enough to need its own part rather than an extension of Oboe II. So I’m excited. It will be so amazing. Tory has a Loree and we agree Lauben’s suck.

I ordered the Sixteen Grand Studies of Barrett for Oboe and another book by him. I was checking out Oberlin Conservatory. NEC kinda scared me. Boston kinda scares me for some reason. Maybe I’m crazy cause I already know how much I hate the midwest, but Oberlin really appealed to me. They also put less importance on the academics and more on the musicial ability. So I might actually have a chance of getting in. If I can do music even 75% of the day and “academics” the other 25%, I would be able to pull it off I think. I need music to keep me going though. So I requested information. Maybe they will be a bit more understanding about what happened after high school. Also, my aunt lives about 90 minutes or less away and my uncle I think lives even closer. So I’ll have family. Even if I don’t go in 2005, I might try for 2006. It will give me some time to cover the few academics they might require of me. It makes me very excited, cause I feel like I have a plan. Or at least the start of a plan.

Right now though, I want to go home. Work sucks and I want to talk to Manny or Mom or Dad. They all have kind of blown me off this week especially when I really needed them. And no one else calls me. But my little brother loves me. He and I went out for coffee last night after rehearsal. And when his mom called, he told her we were discussing important things over a donut. It was so cute the way he said it. I love my little brother. He hasn’t seen Dead Poet’s Society so we are gonna watch it on Friday. He doesn’thave Julliard on Saturday. Maybe I’ll even enlist him to help me move stuff on Saturday. I’ll take him to dinner or something. Maybe get Pat Hardt or some other guys to help me. It won’t be that bad and I have a bit of organizing to do before that step. But I’m looking forward to my new room.

Ok, yeah yeah I don’t want to work, but I have stuff I have to do today. Like fix people’s stupid mistakes. Maybe someone will call me or come see me tonight.

I love Rilo Kiley – Ask me who plays guitar for the band if you are a Boy Meets World fan.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time
And your mother’s still calling you insane
And I swear that it’s different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
and that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
when your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying…

And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend

And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome
and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them…

A Better Son/Daughter ~ Rilo KileyAnd if we move in together, should the sex completely stop? Wouldn’t that make things too intense and complicated? Or can we both just keep it simple? I have to say, our set-up right now is nice. I don’t see him all the time, and when I do its just a little bit more special. It doesn’t feel too intense because we don’t see each other enough to make it intense. If we move in together, would it be too much? I just don’t know.

But there are a lot of balls in the air right now. Brian doesn’t know if and when he’ll move to Florida, and Mike doesn’t know if he’ll really go with him. And who knows, maybe Mike will end up moving in with Erin. And I don’t know if I’ll go away to school. I also don’t know if I stay here, will I really be able to move out – financially or psychologically. There are a lot of ifs and unknowns still, but it was kind of a shock to me when he asked. He had brought up the situation in such a way that I thought he’d ask me to keep an eye out for someone who was looking for a roommate. Instead he asked if I wanted to move out with him. It was almost like a slap in the face, but not a bad thing. Just a surprised thing. I completely wasn’t thinking along those lines. I used to dream about moving to Queens to live with him, but that was like the first week I’d met him. Its a thing I do with every guy, where they fall desperately in love with me and everything fits perfectly into place. I’ve learned to let myself dream for a few days and then check back into reality and everything is fine. So I was totally not expecting it from him.

But I’m just unsure about so many things. he said he considers me a good friend and he wants to stay honest with me, or else he’d never say anything about Erin. Which is nice that he trusts me enough to tell me about her and its nice that he considers me so close. But there is so much I don’t think he knows about me. He kinda ticked me off when I told him Kaba and I were no longer friends. He kept saying we’d make up. But I really don’t think we will. I threw his relationship with Bobby back in his face and he kinda backed down, but I could tell he was still humoring me. I thought of anyone, he’d understand the most about cutting off people who are making life worse than it is. But whatever. That kind of annoyed me. I don’t think I’ve ever told him the entire story of why Heather and I aren’t friends anymore, and I didn’t tell him everything behind me and Kaba. Which I’m not sure he has to know, but its a part of me he just doesn’t get. And the part of me that was hurt by Tim and the Alaska boys is really hidden from him too. I didn’t tell him much about that. I don’t even know how much he’s picked up about it. Danny still haunts me. Matt pretty much leaves me alone, but Danny still sneaks into my dreams and thoughts when I least expect it. So I don’t know what will happen with Mike and his offer. Its something else to sit and stew in my mind for a while.

I went up to see Dot this weekend. It was nice, but different. Kayla and Kristen came over shortly after I arrived and Kayla ended up spending the night. But Kristen and I had some nice talks and once Kayla went to bed, Dot and I sat in her girlfriend’s room and talked for a few hours. I caught her up on most of the things in my life and she did with me. She told me she thought Kristen could have a mental disorder and from what I heard from Dot and from listening to Kristen, she might be bi-polar. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t tell her that, but there is something wrong. Dot has been on Zoloft since she moved up there and she’s seen a therapist a handful number of times, but she says its really helped. She told me Kristen has confided to her that she sometimes feels like just driving her car into a tree and ending everything. Hmmmm, sounds strangely familiar. But all weekend, she seemed in a great, almost manic mood. She and I had some good talks about being a teenager and trying to cope with life, which I hope will help with CJ and eventually Chad and Kayla. Dot said she was happy to see how happy Kristen was and how great it was for her to talk to me. I liked it too. I wish I could go up again this weekend, but I’m not sure it will work. I want to go to Jersey to see my grandfather and I’d love to go to the cabin and I need some serious study time. Mike is taking his sister to Toronto to go skiing so he won’t be around. That might be for the better though. I have things I need to figure out before I see him again I think.

Now I’m back at work, pretending to care about my job and counting the freaking minutes until Thursday when I see Jenny. I don’t expect her to “kiss and make it all better,” but she helps. She’ll get me back on the right path on figuring out my head. Which will really help.

No song right now…..Too much going on in my head for music.