VA Beach, Elevators and Cologne

So in 10th grade my high school band went to Virginia Beach and I got sick. Not like throwing up or fever, but I was constantly dizzy. It felt I was standing on a constant cradle and the ground was always moving beneath me. Even when I would lie down to go to sleep. It was horrible. But the worst part was that the hotel we were staying in had put us on the 9th floor and there were stairs (which didn’t really help) or the elevator. Think about it. The ground is already swaying side to side (so i think) and then you want to put me in a small cramped space that is moving up and down as well?? Oh this is good. I hated riding that elevator. I’m not too fond of elevators because they tend to make me a little dizzy as it is. So I had my two white knights in shining armor, Brian and Jamie, basically carrying me around VA Beach. And they were the ones who offered. I mean I never asked Settle to run up and down 9 flights of stairs…..three times!!

ANYWAY…There was one time on the elevator, where we were going up to the room and I swear, we stopped at every floor, 9 floors up. Oh my goodness. And its not the actually going that is hard, but the stopping and starting that makes me so dizzy. But I had my two knights in shining armour to stand with me and hold me up. Brian was on one side and Jamie was on the other each with their arms underneath mine, holding me up. And I was getting so dizzy from the starting and stopping (besides the fact that I was already dizzy from before) that I just buried my face in Brians shoulder. I kept feeling my legs giving out and he said later that he knew that if he wasn’t holding me up I would have fallen. So I had my face buried in his shoulder and he had his cologne on and I must say – it smells really good. And every since then, I’ve loved the smell of his cologne and just how he smells. I’ve always always associated that cologne with him. I’ve smelled it a few times on other people and it always makes me think of him right away. It is such a comforting, warm and safe smell because I associate it with him.

ANYWAY….

Two days ago I gave blood for the first time, which was very cool. I’m not too fond of needles, but I can deal with them if I can watch and this is something I’ve always wanted to do. So I went with my mom and it was really cool. But the next day I didn’t feel good at all. I felt really light-headed and dizzy. My mom didn’t want me to go to work, but I had to go. I need money and besides I really like working with Chuck. So I went in, and we were almost sold out. So I went around to the smoking rooms, to see which ones really smelled bad. (We do this when it starts getting tight for rooms.) And I ended up having to go up and check those rooms and a few others. And I had to ride the elevator. And I got really dizzy and light-headed from the rides on the elevator, and it kinda reminded me of VA Beach. And then later that evening, a guy checked in and he had the same cologne as Brian and I could smell it. I almost started crying because I miss Brian so much. I have to laugh at myself because its so silly and stupid, but still. It did and it really made me think about how important Brian is to me. And how much I miss him. And how much I can not wait till he gets home.

I actually can’t wait till any of my guy friends get home. I miss John and Brian so much. I really do miss Manny too, in a different way though. There is still tension between us. Not really bad tension, but just stuff between us that will take me a while to get over. And I guess those guys are also filling a void where Tim once was. There was so much that I needed from him and now I just don’t have it. And because they are guys and because I am so close with them, they are really helping me to get over Tim, in a lot of ways. But not every way and I really wonder if I should try and call him and try to get everything out or just try and let go. I mean so far, it has been going really well just to let him go. But I think I’ve reached the point where I need to talk to him and just get some more closure. But I don’t know if its going to just prolong all the pain and the missing. Because I’m still hurting and I still miss him. But I don’t think I’ll ever reach a day where I won’t be hurt or I won’t miss him. I still hurt and miss Matt, so I don’t expect it to ever stop completely. But I don’t know. Its all so confusing. And I think I’m running out of room on this entry so I’m going to switch to another one and another topic.