V-Day

I’m pretty steamed.  Three days until my recital.  The only dress rehearsal with my quintet and Alex, one of the members doesn’t show up.  No call, no message, nothing.  We tried to call him, but no answer.  I know he’s a freshman, but so is Steph.  He needs to learn to be responsible and grow up.  He somehow expects to just remember whatever he needs to do.  He’s already nearly missed a rehearsal, but we managed to track him down.  How were we expected to find him at 11 o’clock on a Friday night?  Sadly, I’m not surprised.  Disappointed, but not surprised or nearly as angry as I think I should be.  Maybe its the stress and the cold meds and the tiredness, but I’m just not angry.  I really figured he would do something like this.  I don’t believe he did it out of maliciousness.  But he’s just out of it.  He pretends like he cares, but its a little annoying because his actions don’t always follow through on that.

And its one am, and I am upset and worried, but not.  Stressed, but not.  Maybe it really is numbness.  I’m freaking out and yet…  I’m not.  I think it is numb.  I vaguely remember feeling like this the night before my recital, the night Shazar got here.  I was excited, which I’m not really right now.  I was anxious, which I am but its a different anxiety now.  I want it to be over.  I don’t want it to be here.  I want it to be past.  I’m really just numb.  I did have fun tonight with the rest of my quintet. Once I’m out around people, I feel better.  But I really do just want to stay in bed or on my couch.  I’m starting to freak about all the things that could go wrong.  But at the same time, what am I gonna do?  All I can do is try to just go forward.  Somehow make it work.  I can’t control everything, or perfect everything.  Maybe its part of being sick right now.  I can’t force myself better.  I can’t somehow fix all that.  All I can do is find a way to deal with it.  Which is what I’m doing.

So right now, my way of dealing is to go to bed, so I can do all the things I need to do tomorrow.