Train Musings & Faith

Twelve in12

 Reading 

  The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

Finished

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about faith and trusting in God.  I don’t know why I’m in Michigan, and I don’t know how I’m going to continue to survive.  But God continues to provide when I trust in Him, so I’ve just got to keep going.  This year, my favorite part of the Christmas story is one our church won’t even read – the story of the Magi.  Until it was pointed out by another ODer, I had never really thought about how much faith those men must have had.  They were not even Hebrews, but still believed in the star they saw in the night sky.  They traveled long distances into foreign lands only following a little twinkle in the sky.  When they reached Judah, they had to inquire about where exactly they should go.  They don’t ask IF, they merely ask WHERE.  There is no question in their mind that the King of the Jews had been born.  They just wanted to worship him.  The complex connotations about all that are more than I want to get into right now, but the extraordinary faith it took to do all that.  They trusted in a God they did not claim as their own.

In my morning news reading, I found this BBC story entitled Act of Faith.  The link is to the video of the story, but talk about more faith.  The man spent his lifetime, his entire lifetime just building this church.  I really hope they never tear it down.  I really hope that in this coming year, I can have faith like a mustard seed.

This was written yesterday as I rode the train…

Its absolutely amazing how much better I feel since I’ve hit New York soil. Even a three-hour late train can’t seem to dampen my spirits. Impending issues with old boyfriends and the foot and a half of snow waiting in the driveway can’t get me down.

I called Mike last night. I’m honestly not sure why. He’s one of the people I will forever associate with home and warmth and comfort. I can’t seem to put my finger on it, but he makes me so happy. So I called, left a message, he called and left a message and then I texted him as I drove to the train station. It was nearly midnight and I didn’t really expect a call back, so imagine my surprise when my phone rang about twenty minutes later. Between his cat and the beeping phone, he had woken up enough and decided to call me. He was excited to hear from me. Perhaps more so than I really expected. He wanted to take me to lunch or dinner on Sunday and was pretty down when I told him that was my day with my parents. “I was really hoping to get a big hug from you and to see that smile, maybe even a little smooch.” But I told him I would try to see if I could sneak out for dinner later in the evening. Then he kind of invited himself to my New Years Eve party, but in the cutest way possible. “If you called before Friday, I might be convinced to come hang out with you and your friends on New Years.” He told me he was learning to play guitar. He felt it was a good basic instrument to start learning music on. I agreed and said that guitar and piano are both good “starter” instruments, but pianos are big and expensive. “Yes, but there’s also this girl that I love and adore who plays piano, so I want to do something different.” It didn’t correspond immediately that he was talking about me. And I completely missed that he said the L word until we were off the phone. Our relationship is so odd and yet so perfect. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was happy after talking with him.

I talked with Megan after I initially called him, worried I had done something stupid. But she pointed out that as long as I walked in with my eyes open, there was no harm in talking… or seeing. The fact that I live in Michigan wasn’t going to be changing soon, and he’s not going to come after me. As long as I don’t delude myself, where’s the harm? And she’s right. He’s living in the Bronx; I’m in Michigan. We always seem to be moving in opposite directions from each other. And yet something draws us back together. We’ve gone years without seeing each other, but everything is so natural with us.

I do wonder if it is because he’s such a player and smooth operator. He knows exactly what to say, and how to make me feel good. So maybe I really am just a notch in his bedpost. And yet… I doubt it all at the same time. There’s just something else there. I don’t really dream about life with him, or can imagine myself actually married to him. Not in reality at least. Perhaps this is how I can be safe for now. He’s just what I need in just the right dose to lift my confidence and make me feel worthwhile. Which a girl just needs sometimes!

And then later on the train….

We’re stuck on this train. Its not as bad as other times have been. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely sucks, but it could be worse. I could hate my seatmate. She’s the perfect mix of talking, sleeping and doing her own thing, although we’re both pretty cranky at the moment with the overheated train car and ridiculous delays. The train was an hour late out of Chicago and then more because of the heavy freight traffic; nearly 3 ½ hours by the time it got to our stop to pick us up. We made up a lot of time and when we hit western NY it was only 2 ½ hours late. Now we’re nearly 4 hours late. It wouldn’t be so bad, except the train is packed and the cars are very, very warm. And I would just really like to be home now. There is going to be a crap ton of snow in our driveway and its starting to look like my Thursday will be spent digging it all out. In all fairness, I don’t know exactly how much snow is there.

And now Thursday morning again…

The train got to my stop nearly 5 hours late.  So I didn’t get home into the house until nearly 10 pm.  The snow is deep in places but the wind actually picked up quite a bit of the snow.  I’ve declared today Shovel Day and will spend the day shoveling and getting ready for the party tomorrow night.  I was hoping to see James or Settle today but with the weather the way its been, everyone’s plans have been changed.  I am sad that I won’t be able to see James and its undetermined if I’ll get to see Settle too, but I’m not as upset as I thought I would be.  I know that life is just at a point where I don’t get to see everyone of my friends over vacation anymore.  I suppose its all part of growing up.  That and I’m way to happy to be back in NY to let anything get me down at this point.

Waking up in my bed this morning, my heart cried out with homesickness again.  Even though I’m home, I know it will not be for long and then I must return again.  My heart wailed within me, "Just stay here!  There is really nothing out there for you!’  Six months ago, that would have been true.  But I do have a church family to go back to now.  And like those Magi and Justo Gallego, I’ve got to have the faith that God will provide.

Alright….  Let Shovel Day begin!