too many problems

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

I knew it.  I shouldn’t have gotten a roommate.  Its completely never a good idea.  So Kelly informed me yesterday that she won’t be able to come help me move this week.  I was pretty ticked off.  But at that point I was too annoyed and worried about a million things to do anything about it.  I wanted to call and tear her head off, but what excatly would that do?  It really wouldn’t help me feel better about al the things really bothering me, so I called Manny instead and talked to him.  Then Sarah called and I talked to her for a bit.  She was more pissed off about the Kelly thing that I was.  Evidently she sent Kelly a message and the situation has started to explode.  I was planning on talking to Kelly about how annoyed I was but only after I was able to calm down a bit about other things.  So Kelly got mad at me because Sarah yelled at her.  I was pretty sure that Sarah was going to say something to Kelly and that’s not what bothers me.  But I was pushed into telling Kelly what was going on.  She made a commitment to help me move – not just my stuff, but the crap she left in my apartment as well.  But she didn’t make time in her schedule to be able to come down and help me, like she said she would.  I don’t want to get into all the details right now because that is not the thing right now.

I’m going to fail Spanish.  I suck at life and I’m horrible at learning languages.  I failed the last test and unless I can pull an A on the last test, I’m not going to pass.  I’ve pssed all the other tests, but just by a tiny bit.  So this last failed test pushed me too far into the red.  And now I have to try and move everything on my own, and Bubba wants me to work on Monday morning.  I wasn’t supposed to be working until Thursday, so now that changes things too.  I have to be to work by Monday morning (unless I really have July Fourth off) and now I’m trying to study, pack, and practice.  Not to mention ignoring the worry and stress going on in my head from family life.  Lauren’s still in the hospital and she’s now bedridden.  She can’t move around because she gets too dizzy and sick.  I’m waiting to hear how to doctors can explain how this is not getting worse.  I have family who live in Cedar Rapids, and while they are all alive, its still very dangerous out there.  They have very limited water and are trying to deal with the losses in their church.  My grandmother is home from the hospital but she’s still moving pretty slow.  Manny pointed out last night that I’ve been avoiding everything I don’t want to worry about by worrying about other things.  Things like old relationships and why they didn’t versus new relationships and are they really working.  More specifically my relationship with Feather and my relationship with Newfie. 

I discovered two nights ago how much she and Ali used to trash on me.  How completely wrong they read me.  My friend who I thought understood me better than anyone…  My friend who I thought would keep my secrets…  I was wrong on both counts with her.  Why did I allow her back into my life again?  "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  So what’s the catch phrase for the thrice fool?  I know all this is coming off the feeling of Newfie abandoning me.  Was I wrong to trust him?  Was I wrong to trust Feather again?  Was I wrong to trust Kelly and move in with her?  I’m seriously considering crawling so far back under my rock that no one will ever get to me again.  Cause that will make everything better won’t it?

So I was reading over my cousin’s blog and her life sounds so great.  She just got back from the UK and is adjusting back into her life with housemates and her job.  I know her life’s not perfect and I know the snapshot she provides for the blog is definitly filtered through a pair of rose-colored glasses.  Her family is the one that lives in Cedar Rapids and dealing with the flooding.  So I know her life isn’t perfect and stress-free.  I started falling into thinking why does my life have to suck so much?  Why can’t something go right for me just for once?  Which is just overreacting and I need to put a stop to it somehow.  A new favorite recently started a Positive Thinking Challenge, which she got from another friend.  I’m not going to try and do the actual challenge right now.  I can only have so much on my plate.  But today really sucked, and I’m having a hard time not completely breaking down into tears.  So I’m doing my own version, my own take on the concept.

What today was good?  Just like my cousin’s life isn’t all roses and cream, my life is also not just horrible things.  So what today was good?  What happened today that makes me feel better, makes me smile?  The beginning of my oboe lesson wasn’t great.  My reeds weren’t properly soaked, and then my prof started in on them.  I know their faults, but they weren’t soaked and I was getting a little annoyed.  I also don’t quite agree with everything she wants me to do to them.  When I try to follow her advice I don’t get good results.  I didn’t let Frobo touch my reeds and it forced me to figure a lot of things out on my own.  I really feel like I need to continue in that sink or swim mindset.  Doc also didn’t let me warm-up on the reed, so I wasn’t completely sure how it would respond to different things.  I just need five minutes to do some simple scales and runs – reintroducing myself to my reed.  I’ve learned I really need that.  Not to warm-up my muscles or fingers, but to reintroduce myself.  Anyways – the beginning part of the lesson was frustrating.  But then we started working on the Twinkle Variations, which went really well.  So, let’s try this again….

What w

as good today?  The actual playing part of my lesson.  I felt things were accomplished and I played well.  I also exercised today.  I’m not getting all the steps right but I’m trying it all.  And because I’ve recorded it onto VHS I can pause or rewind to give me some time to try things over.  My body hurts, but in a good way.  In that burning-calories and building muscles kind of pain.  Of course, now everything I hear music, I want to do those dance moves which makes me hurt again!  But those are my two good things right now.