to waive these rights

So the shit hit the fan, but not nearly the way I thought it was. As much as I’ve been hurt by Mel and Jenn, I don’t want to sue them. That was all my father. On one hand, I would rather just swallow the $1300 and get the hell out of here. On the other hand, why should I have to pay that when Mel and Jenn have been they way they are? On the other hand, why can’t everybody just get along? I broke down sobbing to my mother. I don’t want to sue Jenn and Mel. I would almost prefer to just stay in this apartment than sue them. I think Jenn knows this now. She came into my room after I got off the phone with my mother and we had a long talk. My mother I think understands how much I don’t want to sue them. I mean, I was in tears because I was afraid that was all that this was going to come to. And I don’t want that. I told Jenn the whole story, how far my father wanted to take things with suing her and Mel. I told her as hurt as I was, that was the last thing I really wanted to do. My mother and I came up with some possibilities for me to pay the amount if thats what I wanted. And I told Jenn that was a possibility. She said to me, for the first time, that she actually wanted me to stay in the apartment, but she more importantly, wanted me to be happy.

So…this is where I am now. Jenn agreed to talk with Mel. I don’t want to exist in Mel’s world. If Mel has anything to say to me, she needs to tell Jenn and Jenn said she would relay the message. Jenn said Mel seemed to have gotten over a lot of things like how anally perfect the apartment must be. It’s possible that Mel has grown up somewhat, and I’m willing to allow for that. Jenn said that the spring semester also flies by, which I know is true from last year. She said that she herself won’t have as much time as this semester to clean and whatnot. She also told me she never wanted me out of the living room and kitchen. And she would tell Melissa to shut up if she complained about my presence. On one hand, it would be easier concerning the money and concerning the move if I just stayed here. But on the other hand, I can’t get to the point where it was last semester where I was essentially a prisoner in my own apartment. It just can’t get that bad again. So I don’t know whats going to happen. I have another apartment to look at tomorrow.

That’s the other issue right now. All of the apartments I’ve looked at have flaws of one sort or another. Not that I’m saying I’m expecting the perfect apartment, but out of the three I’ve looked at today, none of them stand out as “HERE – THE PLACE TO LIVE.” And none of them are furnished, so I would have to get a bed and furniture. The one I like is outside town, actually two towns over and it doesn’t have high-speed although the landlord said he would be open to getting it. (That’s a long explaination, so I won’t go into it right now.) So there is one more apartment to see tomorrow and I’m going to do a lot of thinking about what Jenn said and how I feel.

I’m rapid-cycling, which is making this process all the more interesting. One moment I feel like this could work and the next I feel like I want to ram my fist down their throats. And then the next I just want to get the fuck out and let my dad sue them.

OH – Exciting moment! I just heard the NS defect detector for the first time! I’m sure it’s gone off before but I haven’t heard it. That’s so cool!!! I wasn’t sure I had the right frequency, so now I’m really excited!!!

every time i fake this feeling i cry
did you know i didn’t have to leave this time?
did a conscious part of me decide
to waive these rights
to go that night
and tell them that i’ve always felt this way

but could this be…

your victory
your victory
your victory

my face is cold thank god these tears are warm
i don’t know why you can’t seem to understand
why i can’t seem to stand you anymore
just open your eyes
and realize
that things aren’t going to change

but could this be…

your victory
your victory
your victory

your victory
your victory
your victory

Your Victory ~ Pictures of Annie