to see if you’re human after all

I’m home not even twenty-four hours yet and I’m already miserable. I don’t know how my parents do it, but they make me feel like a failure. Nothing I do is ever good enough for them. Not that I’m saying I’m perfect, but I fucking moved to Fredonia without their help and I moved myself home. It feels like they aren’t supporting me or helping me. It makes me want to go live with Dot for the summer and find a job up there somewhere. I don’t want to be around them or near them anymore. I don’t really love the Hudson Valley the way I used to. It is beautiful and it is very familiar, but I don’t want to be here forever. My parents’ lack of “proudness” is infesting every single part of this place. I feel inferior and insuffient when I’m around them. If there is one thing I know, I don’t like being around people like them. I don’t like being near people like them. I don’t want to be here anymore….or ever again.

My issue with my parents combined with my issues with Mike is making a pretty lethal combonation. I know a few things about Mike and our relationship, and in fact, any relationship. If the feelings aren’t there, they just aren’t there. For better or worse, feelings have a mind of their own. Either there is chemistry and heat or there isn’t. You can’t fake it and you can’t make it when its not there. I’m ok with that. And if Mike could tell me that the chemistry just isn’t there, it would still hurt, but I’d understand. But instead, he makes me feel like I’m not enough. He talks about his issues with his old girlfriends, how they wanted him to stay and not go out on jobs. Being a Merchant Marine is something he loves doing. Its such a huge part of him. I couldn’t understand how those girls could look at him and say they loved him when they didn’t love that part of him. I never hated his coming and going. Sometimes I wished I had a few more days with him, and I’m usually sad to see him go. Things that he didn’t like about his old girlfriends, I didn’t do. And its not like I was trying. I wasn’t listening to what he didn’t like and make sure I didn’t do those same things. I was just being myself. And it wasn’t enough and I don’t know why. It makes me mad and feel almost worthless. It makes me thing guys want that girl that tries to change them and control them. I don’t care and I don’t have the energy to do that sort of thing.

So my parents make me feel like a failure and my ex makes me feel like I was never good enough for him. Add a pinch of insomnia, the absence of friends and ice. Shake until well-mixed and serve on a razor edged platter.

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
To see if you’re human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We’ve got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I don’t have a clue
I don’t have all the answers
Ain’t gonna pretend like I do

Just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven’t memorized all of the cute things to say
But I’m working on it
Maybe I’ll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
That I fully understand all these things I’ve read

I’m just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet but
Even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I’ll be one step back to you and

Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way

I’m trying to find my way
Trying to find my way

Trying ~ Lifehouse