time can’t touch you

Its hard to get over anyone. Its impossible to force that on yourself.

But that’s what I’ve been trying to do, of course. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know if I should wallow, or scream and cry, or allow myself to think about it constantly, or repress it. I know it can be annoying to others when you’re constantly going on and on about that other person. I know this from both listening to the complainer and being the complainer. I don’t know what helps because right now nothing helps. Time helps. More time. Days, hours, minutes. Eventually things will get better. Eventually things will get easier. Right?

I was thinking about this the other day. Am I really over my ex’s? Any of them? I still miss Matt like crazy. I occassionally still think about what my life would have been like if he had lived, if we had stayed together. It would definitly be different. I don’t know if it would be better or worse, but I know it would be different. I probably wouldn’t know some of the people and some of the things I know today. If I could change it, would I? If I could turn back time and bring a cure for him, would I? I’m not completely sure that I would because I’ve never been faced with that decision. Its not possible, so I’ve come to accept, as best as I can, that this is my life now. I don’t regret knowing him, or loving him. But am I really over him? It still hurts. There’s still a hole, I’ve just learned how to breath around it. The same thing applies with Danny and Tim and Manny. It still hurts and there’s still a hole in my heart from them. If faced with the decision and power to go back, do it over, and get to stay with any of them, I really don’t know what I’d do. I can’t say for certain this is the path I would choose to follow. There are million possibilities, a million little choices we make everyday that affect the rest of our lives. The butterfly effect and chaos theory. I don’t have the power to go back and change anything, so I don’t have to make that decision. I think its a good thing we haven’t figured out time travel yet. Maybe knowing how to stretch or shorten time (for those space travels you know) would be good. But to go back in time? One step can alter the entire universe. I think that’s one of the things that makes this life so precious. We can’t redo. That’s actually one of the things I’ve picked up in WoW. It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go. If I wander into dangerous territory and get killed, I just rez in the graveyard and go back about my business. But in the real world, we don’t get to do that the same way. I don’t get to come back to life with my same clothes, trinkets and life. Long rambling far away from my point.

My point is that I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions about changing my past. Because I can’t change it. But that doesn’t make it hurt less. That doesn’t make the pain go away and the tears stop. The future is so unknown and so dark, like the dark places on the map where you haven’t yet explored. The past is known and well-lit. I know what happened there. It wasn’t all bad, I’m not being that pessimistic. **sigh** Again, rambling…

I’ve never really gotten over any of my heartaches. I’ve just learned how to live with them. I’ve never really forgotten and moved on. My scars remind me, that the past is real. ~Papa Roach Its still there and it still hurts. I’ve never learned how to get over this. I’ve never even really learned how to get through this. I eventually find out how to breath around the pain, how to live with the hole and the ache. But it comes at a price.

This is why I hate putting myself out there. I hate the price that it extracts on me when it doesn’t work out. But the only way to find out if it will work is to put yourself out there. Its a vicious cycle. But that’s another entry, another issue to sort out.

I just miss him so much. Its because I love him so much. I never meant to fall for him, especially since I knew he wouldn’t catch me. It was never going to work out. I could pretend and imagine and lie to myself, but in my heart I knew it would never work. He loves her. And even if she doesn’t choose him, he still wants her. Even if he were to choose me, I would always wonder if it was because she wouldn’t have him. I would always wonder if I was only second best. I would always fear she would reappear and he would leave me. Even if he were to choose me, it wouldn’t work. I never meant to fall for him, but the reality of the situation is that I did. And now I have to deal with those consequences. Now I have to deal with that pain, another hole, and find a new way to breath. I don’t know what will help, except time. Screaming and crying, or wallowing, or pushing it outward, or repressing – nothing really helps. Nothing makes it better. So I don’t know what else to do besides just wait.

I still miss him. I still miss them all.

Feels like you’re coming apart
And entertain the thought that you’re out of things to say
And you haven’t even started, you haven’t even started
You’re gonna have to find the words to put on the page
And get around the corner, get around the corner
Where nothing is the way, the way it was before
You’re left with just these afterthoughts to keep you warm

And when all the sunlight in your eyes feels forgotten
Is there light at the end of this tunnel?
And it feels like we’re drowning, sinking to the bottom
Is there light at the end of this tunnel?
If the only thing to do now is just start running
For a light at the end of this tunnel

Sometimes anything just breaks your heart up
And you hold your arms to keep day and night apart
So this is never ending, nothing is ending
Turn back the clock till the clock is no more now
Time means nothing, time can’t touch you
It’s nowhere to the start and nowhere to end
But tomorrow somehow finds it’s way to us again

And when all the sunlight in your eyes feels forgotten
Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
And we feel like we’re drowning, sinking to the bottom
Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
If the only thing to do now is just start, just start running
For the light at the end of this tunnel
For the light at the end of this tunnel
For the light…

Light At The End Of This Tunnel ~ Something for Kate