tie the noose and raise the cross

She really makes me mad sometimes.  I love my Small Brain Oboes, I really do.  And there was nothing better than sitting through Mahler 5 with them.  But still…

Cleveland had become the thing James and I would do.  I thought I missed Rob when I went to Cleveland after he left.  That was nothing compared to my missing James.  And currently, I’m only permitting myself to think or feel about a tiny bit at a time.  I’m really afraid I’ll just lose it if I let it all out.  But Lu doesn’t seem to understand.  She basically thinks James is a waste of time.  And not just as a boyfriend, but as a human being.  She thinks he’s awkward and boring and dumb.  I’ll agree he used to be awkward, but show me a 20-year-old guy who isn’t!  Not to mention he had just transfered from RIT to a music school and was rearranging his life.  Of course he was awkward and strange.  He was also immature and slightly annoying.  Well, very annoying.  But he grew up.  To be honest, so did Lu.  She used to be awkward and annoying and immature.  So did Kelly.  But they both grew up.  And since we’re pointing fingers, I was too!  When I read back to my diary entries from my 19th and 20th years, I was awkward and immature and pathetically annoying.  Its a phase everyone goes through.  I said at one point to Lu that I wished she could know him this year because he grew up so much.  Even Mouse agreed whole-heartedly with me.  But Lu just rolled her eyes and brushed it off.  But we have to listen to her complain about how she misses Nathan and she’s crying all the time.  (Part of the crying is a vitamin deficiency, but I know part of it is her being lonely too.)

Now I get he’s her boyfriend, but she treated me like this when Newfie left too.  I was devastated when he left.  The devastation is not nearly as bad this time around because I know I’ll see James again.  Way more certain of that then I was of Newfie.  And it wasn’t until the last three days James was here did I start to consider my feelings for him.  Different situation, different reaction.  But even still…

I’m hurting.  And I’ve been putting it off all week long.  Now I’m in a place that basically everyturn reminds me of James.  Not because I wish he could have gone more often.  But because the majority of my trips to Cleveland have been with James.  And the last four or five times have been with him.  He’s learned how to take me under his arm and walk.  (It is a skill.  See here.)  So being back there without him was… an experience.  Being back there without him, and knowing this was probably my last time in Cleveland, it was hard.  I was upset.  Thank God Mahler is 70 minutes long.  I could fall into the music and forget everything else.

But still…  She makes me mad.  Why is her pain more important than my pain?  Why does she assume she hurts more than me?  I don’t think I hurt more or less.  That’s not the point.  But we both hurt.  And we both need support.  Except she only takes.  She never wants to give.  She doesn’t actually believe that I can miss someone who she has deemed as worthless as James.  Or Newfie.  Neither one of them was worth it to her, so how could I actually care?  Pisses me off!

And the fact that I get help, the fact that I’m trying to do something about the things that cripple me in my life.  She thinks its selling out or something.  She acts like I can’t be that bad off.  I tend to feel like it can’t be that bad for her because she’s still alive.  If I hadn’t gotten help, I would be dead right now.  I’m very sure of this fact.  I’ve tried to kill myself.  She makes jokes about wanting to kill herself while making reeds or being stuck in something she thinks is worthless.  Mimes dragging a knife up her arm.  Except she’s never actually done that.  She’s never taken her reed knife, pulled it across her skin and watched the deep redblood pool on her white, pale skin.  But I’m weak and pathetic because I’m on medication and go for therapy.  I make an attempt to be better, to identify they problems and change.  She just charges ahead like nothing else matters.

I’m really starting to realize she is a bitch, in every sense of the word.  If she doesn’t care about whatever you’re talking about, she’ll just change the subject to something she finds interesting.  Or turn away.  I’ve seen her do it.  She’s done it to me.  Things I needed to talk about, a friend I needed and she just turned away.  It doesn’t matter in her life, so why does it matter.

I’m really starting to wonder why I’m still friends with her.  Why I make such efforts to see her.  And this cannot lead anywhere good.

You just can’t relax,
And you can’t rely,
On anyone for anything,
So you make your complaints,
And all everyone’s let you down,
You just cant,
Ever win,
Convinced there’s a war on,
It’s always everybody versus you,
Convinced that your critics are watching,
And you’ve always got something,
You’ve always got something to prove,

So tie the noose,
And raise the cross,
The martyr’s arrived,
A desperate plea for sympathy,
It’s all you’ll need,

A laundry list of problems,
Doesn’t make you interesting,
And never getting help doesn’t make you brave,
Not listening to reason doesn’t mean that you have faith,
Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face,

So tie the noose,
And raise the cross,
The martyr’s arrived,
A desperate plea for sympathy,
It’s all you’ll need!

And you want it all
You want it, you want it all.

Sympathy for the Martyr ~ Straylight Run