this journey of ours never ends

Sometimes things can happen that you don’t even expect. You plan for one thing and other things sometimes take over, or just get added to the plan. I did get studying done this weekend and I did make reeds and practice. I did get to lock myself in the basement and get some work done. I also managed to see Justin and I had a great time with him. I wish I knew what was going on in his head concerning us. Oh, well.

The “added” thing was my cousin. She’s 13 and for being only 13 she deals with a lot. I mean, junior high sucks for just about everyone. The hormones, the classes, the cliques make junior high a very hard place to be. And she deals with all that the best way that she can. But there is other stuff that normal thirteen-year-olds don’t deal with. Her father is bipolar, like me. She’s done lots of research on what it is and what it means. But more than research, she lives with it every day of her life. Sometimes she just doesn’t know what to do for him, or what she can say around him. Now everything thirteen-year-old goes through that with their parents. They just don’t get along. But she confessed to me that when her father takes off, she doesn’t know if he’s going to come back. And he does it often. And when he does come back, she doesn’t know what to say to him. She says one thing and he gets mad. Another thing and he gets depressed. Another thing and he shuts her out.

Its really hard on her. But she’s resiliant and tough, and I know she will make it through. But sometimes she just needs someone to talk to. I gave her my cell phone number and told her to call me whenever she needed to. I know that sometimes just having a number, even if you never use it, can be a comfort. I hope she does use it so that I can be there for her.

We also talked a lot about being in junior high and the annoying people who pick on her and basically make her life miserable. I remember being miserable in junior high too. Her added “freakiness” is that her father is bipolar. People in her school are always saying that they are bipolar or depressive and it upsets Becca because she knows what its really like to live with someone who is bipolar. She understands that its more than just mood swings and feeling sad. She gets mad that people think its just some big joke. I can understand that because people do the same thing to me.

She’s also really worried about her nine-year-old sister. She says Abby steals things and lies and does all sorts of things. On one hand, she does know that all kids are like that, but it seems to her that Abby is worst. I think part of it is the “baby syndrome.” Abby is the baby and gets more attention and gets away with more than Becca did. But Abby also gets ignored sometimes because my aunt and uncle are too tired to deal with her after dealing with my uncle’s own issues. And while that is understandable that they are tired, Becca is afraid her sister is going to grow up with bad morals and low standards. She’s afraid that Abby with drink her way through high school and be pregnant before she graduates. Now, I get that she’s worried about her sister and she wants the best for her. And I know its a different world between when I was a kid, when Becca was a kid and now for Abby. They know and talk about things that I didn’t know about until junior high. But I also feel that Becca might be overreacting a little bit. Abby is only nine. She’s not stealing beer yet, so we know she’s not drinking, which is a good thing. I think generally she is a good kid and she shape up someday. She has good parents and a great big sister. But I also get that her parents have issues and she has her own issues to deal with on her own.

I don’t know how much I can help or fix things for Becca, but what I do know is that I can listen to her and offer advice when I have it. I can be there for her and be a place she can get away to when she needs space. Which what I’m going to be. The rest will just happen with time.

For someone so young and naive
Hard to know what to believe
Still I thought I tried for a while
Turning round and giving up is not my style
On my own on my own way

Bottled up is where my fears go, my fears go
I will never show my fear
They’ll tear me up until my tears show, my tears show
Smoke and mirrors

You must try hard, don’t give in
Keep it up and you win
Don’t let them know they get to you
Put on a brave face and you’ll get through
On your own, on your own way

Bottled up is where your fears go, your fears go
You will never show your fear
They’ll tear you up until your tears show, your tears show
Smoke and mirrors

This journey of ours never ends
We will always pretend
Fighting not to let them win
And they’re falling into our illusion
On our own on our own way

Bottled up is where out fears go, our fears go
We will never show our fear
They’ll tear us up until our tears show, our tears show
Smoke and mirrors
Its about smoke and mirrors

Smoke and Mirrors ~ Ske Sweetnam