This is war

Past few days have just been weird. Saturday seems like a blur. Had breakfast with Eric, which was really good. He’s more than a friend cause I know there were some intense feelings between us for a while. But I really think we made the best decision in not getting involved, because it wouldn’t have worked long distance like we are right now. And now I have Mike and he has someone too. Well both relationships are more complicated than that, but you get the general idea. I’ll probably always care about him and love him. And maybe we will end up together, but for right now its better this way.

And the wedding – I’ve decided I really hate weddings cause they make me want to break down and cry. I don’t know why. Maybe cause everyone looks so beautiful. Maybe cause the guys being all sweet and adorable make me cry. Maybe cause it hurts so much that I want to be married but I just can’t believe that someone will love me forever.

Then when I was over at Kaba’s I had some serious mental breakdowns. Triggered by, get this, the little man from Tetris freaking out cause he was gonna die. I wasn’t upset persay, I was laughing hysterically. I think I kinda scared Vince. He tried to get me to calm down which didn’t really work, but it was still sweet. I swear, that kid is not 15. And then he and Kaba were playing and I took down my hair to lie down and he looked at me and said, “Wow, you look so nice with your hair down. You never leave it down.” I just kinda looked at him and Kaba burst out laughing. He didn’t get it, but Mike had said almost excatly the same thing on Sunday and it had caught me off guard then. I almost thought he was pulling my leg to drive me crazy. But then he was like, “What? You have a pretty face and your hair frames it and it looks beautiful.” Talk about verbatim from Mike. I kinda flipped, but Kaba and I explained I wasn’t mad, just freaked out. I don’t know what’s with guys and my hair. It just catches me so offguard. And then we were playing Tetris and listening to Jock Jams. Vince and I were being so stupid. We were both unbelievably tired and just being stupid. But he’s great and a lot of fun. Aunt Bootes got mad at us though cause we were being too loud. I swear I was trying to be quiet but it just wasn’t working. Vince kept doing something to make me laugh.

And I miss Mike. I had called him and left him a message on Friday telling him to have a good time. I don’t know whats happening for July 4th. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I would love to go down to the city and spend the weekend with him. I have Monday off, so we’ll see. Kaba is having a party too. And I’m sure my silly loser friends will do something silly and loserish. Just kidding. I haven’t talked to anyone in the gang for a while. They are gonna be mad. I don’t have any real reason why, just haven’t called them. The one night I called Settle, his cell phone kept hanging up on me. So I gave up and just haven’t called him back. But Manny has also been AWOL from my parents. Which kinda pisses me off too. Cause I am NOT mowing the lawn just cause he’s being lazy and inconsiderate. But we also have people coming to clean our house now, which will be good. Means Mom and I don’t have to do it. I mean they aren’t personal assistants or maids to pick everything up, but they will clean the house.

And Sunday I saw Rebecca and got to see pictures of Hope. She’s getting so big and I’m so proud of Rebecca. I’m not sure I would be able to do that if I got pregnant. I hope I would cause it would be so much better than trying to keep it and raise it on my own. Mike feels the same way since he knows I won’t get an abortion if it happens. And having his support in giving the baby away will help. It would be the right choice. But I’m not pregnant so I’m not gonna think about it. Besides baby pictures, Rebecca and I have resumed the infamous Book Swap, which is good cause I have no good books left to read. I’ve just read everything I own about a million times and I need fresh material.
And Mommy is gone for two weeks. Which can be good or bad. She took my car, since she still doesn’t have hers, so I’m stuck relying on friends or staying home. Dad won’t let me leave him stranded without a car, no matter if he’s going to actually use it or not. He’s just weird like that. But I hope that he doesn’t get in a pissy mood cause that won’t be good for either of us. And I need to go grocery shopping or else I’ll be eating pizza for two weeks.

And I’m just in a funk of a mood. It’s not bad, its not good, its just a funk. I want to talk to Mike, but I don’t want to become reliant on him to get me out of these funks. Maybe its ok to need someone sometimes though. I’m still struggling with the balance of being able to stand on my own and letting people help me when I need it. I’ll find it eventually.

Tomorrow I’m going to the doctor. My foot has been really bothering me. I thought I had just pulled a muscle or stretched something out and it would go away with time, but its not. It goes between bad and good and really painful and ok. Its weird and I’ve been trying to formulate how to explain it to the doctor cause its so strange. I’m being all hypocondriatic and thinking I’ll need surgery or my foot removed, which I know won’t happen, but I’m just scared. I have hypocondriatic tendencies but I know it so I try to keep them under control. Making the doctor’s appointment was good though cause it means I’ll get an answer. Least I hope so. They still don’t know what causes my headaches. And I had a killer one yesterday. Started the night before and when I woke up I could barely move. Least Mom let me stay home cause I would not have made it through church. I wasn’t tired, really I wasn’t. I was just in so much pain. Maybe its stress, but I feel like I haven’t been out of control stressed in a while. Nothing beyond the normal stress of life.

OK – so this is long enough. I have an orthodontist appointment in about an hour. I had my wisdom teeth removed in January and the dentist wants me get re-evaluated, which is a good idea. I really don’t want braces though. But they would make me look pretty. I hate smiling with my mouth open cause I hate how my teeth look. But I usually forget and do it anyways. Still I don’t like them.

OH one more thing. The computer guy for our firm is really cute. He’s been in the past few days and we’ve been doing this really tame flirty dance. Nothing intense but just little smiles and eye-catching things. He’s a sweetie. But I mean he works for our firm. It would be weird to date him and have to see him here at work every once in a while. Kinda crosses the workpleasure line for me. But he’s not an employee of the firm. His company just fixes our computers. Considering most of the machines here are dinosaurs though, he is here often. Ehhh, but I have Mike, with whatever we are. “Things seem to be getting serious…” blah blah blah. I don’t want to hurt anyone, me included.

Ok – I’m done now I promise..

LYRICS FOR THE DAY

I am heaven sent.
Don’t you dare forget.
I am all you’ve ever wanted.
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems