this is not a free for all

Yeah for rapid-cycling!

I’ve seen three apartments today. All have pluses, all have minuses – none have furniture. My landlords won’t let me live in an apartment on my own, so I have to leave. My only saving grace at this point would be a new roommate. I’m not disqualifying that option, but its losing any hope. So off to apartments I go. I really could go into all the different apartments, but I’m just tired right now. Tired of fighting, tired of this not working out. I’m tired of living in a prison in my own apartment. I’m tired of feeling like shit, and I’m tired of feeling so crappy about this whole situation.

I’m honestly tired of the roller coaster too. I just want to be normal. I just want to have things be ok, and things to work out a little. But back to the storyline, enough bitching.

My options at this point are to find a roommate and move across the hall. Or the landlords are charging me $1300 to break my part of the lease and move out. My father refuses to pay that. He wants Jenn and Mel to pay it. I gotta say, I feel it would be more fair to split the $1300 three ways, but Dad won’t agree to that and I can’t do that without his help. So, when…I mean, if Jenn and Mel refuse to pay that amount as well and I move out anyways, the landlords will come after all three of us and basically evict and sue all of us. Except I will already have a place to live and Dad plans on turning around and suing Jenn and Mel. It would become a big boiling pot of badness. And I have a feeling that’s the direction its going in.

I love my father, but I just don’t know what to do about him. I know that he’s really hoping Mel refuses to pay and we end up suing her. He wants to smack her hard, across the face or the wallet, he doesn’t care. I just don’t want to become embroiled in something so snobbish. “I’ll see you in court!” Melissa won’t talk to me, so I’m waiting for Jenn to get here so I can talk with her. My father told me to tell her she can either help me find a new roommate or pay the $1300 to get me out of the apartment. Tell her nicely, but if she refuses, threaten to stay. But then I can just move out and wait for the lawsuits to begin.

**Sigh**

This is not going to be good. I just got off the phone with Jenn. I told her that I needed to find a roommate or $1300. I also said I didn’t know what would happen if neither of those could be found. Which is false, cause I have an idea what would happen. I just don’t know excatly. But this is not going to be good. She’s crying and I’m just worn out, thin to a pulp. I’m pretty sure she called Mel and told her what happened. I could hear Mel on the phone and she just left the apartment. Jenn said she doesn’t have any “extra money” lying around available to pay the breaking of the lease. I felt like saying, well fuck, neither do I! But I just tried to remain calm. Fuck this is going to bang and bang hard and loud.

What if….

I suppose if some big changes took place in the apartment I might be willing to stay. Crap – what am I saying. Mel won’t be able to change and Jenn won’t stick up for me. Maybe I did blow this all out of proportion. Maybe somehow, something could be worked out. I don’t know. I don’t really want to move right now. I’d like to just stay here and just be left alone. The problem with that is that Melissa can’t and won’t leave me alone. I’ve always been willing to compromise, but she never has. I’ve always been willing to try and work things out, but she doesn’t want to. She wants things her way, or no way. And that’s just bullshit. I shouldn’t have to live in conditions like that. I should be allowed to go into my own living room and cook in my kitchen and get dressed in my bathroom. I should be allowed to invite my friends over…. Wait, allowed? That is so the wrong word. I have every right.

I’m torn, back and forth, between wanting to work things out and not caring anymore. I want to leave. I want to feel safe in my own apartment.

I need to just continuously remind myself that I deserve to be treated better.

But should I be willing to compromise? Should I be willing to work on this and somehow make it work out? Should I be nice?

Let the fun and games begin
She is spayed and broken in
Skin is cold and white
Such a lovely lonely night

Heaven is on the way
You could feel the hate
but I guess you never will
I’m on a roll again
and I want an end
’cause I feel you creeping in

What I found in this town
I’m heading for a breakdown
What’s that sound, you’re so loud
I’m heading for a breakdown

Drank up all my alcohol
This is not a free for all
I’ll be there for you
‘Til my heart is black and blue

Heaven is on the way
You could feel the hate
but I guess you never will
I’m on a roll again
and I want an end
’cause I feel you creeping in

What I found in this town
I’m heading for a breakdown
What’s that sound, you’re so loud
I’m heading for a breakdown

Breakdown ~ Breaking Benjamin