things haven’t really changed

I’ve done the road from being in love to being friends. Its tough and its hard and it hurts, but I’ve done it. Its not something you do easily, or even everytime. Its not something you do alone, but it can be done. I’ve done it. I’ve traveled the road and done the trip. So I can honestly say its possible.

But what about the road from sex to friends? You would think it would be the same, but its not always. Its a much different road, but one I’m willing to take, if he’d only call back…..

Mike: hello
Me: hi
Me: how are you?
Mike: not to bad
Me: where are you?
Mike: I hope all is well with you
Mike: I’m in the hamtons right now
Me: yeah i’m doing ok
Me: oh
Me: so……..what’s new?
Mike: nothing much,, I’m going back to work on oct 15
Me: on a ship?
Mike: yes mam
Me: How’s Melinda?
Mike: melinda?
Me: weren’t you seeing a girl named Melinda?
Mike: umm nooo
Me: who was the ex-girlfriend you got back together with?
Mike: maybe your thinking melissa?
Me: probably
Mike: she is well,,
Mike: her mother died about 3 weeks ago
Me: oh I’m sorry
Mike: yeah its been really rough on her and her dad
Me: i can’t even imagine what that would be like
Mike: nothing can I but I can say that i don’t ever want to be in those shoes
Me: yeah
Me: so are you in the hamptons with her?
Mike: nope
Me: are you guys still together?
Mike: I’m out here working with my uncle
Mike: yes we are
Me: are you happy?
Mike: I’m working for happiness, why do u ask?
Me: i just want you to be happy
Mike: thank u, i’m not sure how to respond but thank u
Me: i don’t know what else to say
Me: Mike?
Mike: yes,,
Me: i don’t know – why did you IM me?
Mike: I wanted to try to converse with you
Mike: I’m sorry if this feels ackward
Me: its just……..I didn’t get much sleep last night and i have a paper due tomorrow and I’m working on a project and it just caught me unawares…….it still hurts
Me: I’m sorry
Mike: i’m sorry that it still hurts
Mike: I look at it this way sometimes
Mike: if it didn’t hurt then we wouldn’t know what i feels like to really care about someone
Me: i know what it feels like to really care about someone – and I knew this was going to hurt.
Me: its just the way it is
Me: I’m sorry if I’m making this more difficult than you want it to be
Mike: your not making it diffucult
Me: so
Mike: I will let you get back to your paper and I will try to drop you a phone call during the week.. I will be up in wapp fls this week end with me sister
Me: ok
Mike signed off at 8:45:59 PM.

He picked the worst time to IM me. I was so stressed and he just added to it all. It made me nuts and angry. I called Megan and vented for over an hour. I made the decision I would not sleep with him, no matter what. Not even if he said he broke up with Melissa or Melinda (or whatever the hell her name really is). Not even if he said they were going to break up – I wasn’t gonna do it. As horrible as that sounds, it was a decision that needed to be made. I’m not going to sleep with him. OK – so if he called was I going to sleep with him? When I talked to Megan, I didn’t know. On one hand, I did want to see him. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I could handle it. So I slept on it. By Thursday, I had decided I could talk to him and even see him. I wanted to. We are/were friends. So the next decision was if I would let him sleep over if he needed a bed. Not in MY BED, but I have an empty house. He could sleep anywhere else. I wasn’t going to suggest it unless he asked, but I wanted to be prepared for the question. I saw Nitta and Annemarie on Thursday night. They were totally against me even seeing him in the first place. As much as I wanted to see him, I loved how they were sticking up for me. They wanted what was best for me. They wanted to protect me. I was really touched. I mean, I have homegirls! I have girls who have my back no matter what. But I still was going to see him, even for coffee when he called. I wanted to be able to be friends with him. We’ve been friends for over a year, and he has been there for me through a lot of things. So I waited.

Now its almost 2am on Saturday/Sunday. I didn’t know how he’d be thinking or feeling after our online chat. I wanted to apologize for being so short, even mean to him. And that I wanted to be friends. I called him Thursday night and asked him to call me. I called him this afternoon and just asked him to call me. I was going to apologize and explain things, but I didn’t think doing it on a voicemail would be a good idea. And I’m still waiting for his call.

Funny, how after all this time, things haven’t really changed……..