the same problem

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Friday, November 30, 2007Time:8:10 pmMood Level:NeutralSeverity:NeutralAnxiety:0=NoneIrritability:0=NoneHours Slept:8 HoursMedication:150mg Lamictal

I was playing WoW (got invited into a guild of amazing people) and the first Harry Potter movie came on. Part of ABC Family’s 25 days of Christmas. A commercial came on so I flipped through the channels. I happened upon a Law & Order scene in the courtroom. The DA was cross-examining a young girl, asking her if she thought she was depressed. The girl reluctantly described her feelings and what her friends and family had been telling her about her actions. She was describing mania. The doctor put her on medication, but she admitted she had stopped taking them. The DA asked her why, and she responded that she just wanted to feel normal again.

I understand the not wanting to take the medication, but I’ve never been able to figure out why. I’m an educated intelligent young woman and I know the meds help control my moods, keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. But I will still stop taking them, for unknown reasons. It occurs to me that my perception of “normal” is skewed. I wasn’t diagnosed until after I graduated high school. At that point, my mother and I started thinking of when all this might have really started. I showed some signs in junior high and a bit more in high school. But it never really got to the point of distrupting my life, which is a large part of the DSM-IV criteria. So I didn’t start taking medication until the diagnosis.

Since then, I’ve been struggling with trying to define what is me and what is bipolar. I know that I am bipolar and part of who I am is being bipolar. I get that. But my reference, my perception of what is “normal” for me includes a lot of the bipolar symptoms that are supressed when I’m on the medication. Which is where the drive to stop taking my medication and “be normal,” as the girl on TV claimed. I could lower the dosage. I have the type of relationship with my therapist where I could talk to her about this. But I’ve tried lower dosage and it doesn’t do enough. I’m still suicidal, which was why we upped the dosage. I’ve also been on higher doses, which just turn me into a zombie. So I’m really fairly certain this is the right dosage for me.

So back to why I stop taking the medication. I want to be normal, I want to be me. Somewhere in that definition of what is me are the cooler sides of being bipolar. The obsessiveness, the need for organization, the need for little sleep, the extreme emotions, the beginning of the bad things that follow. Even the not so cool parts are still part of what I define as me. The higher sides of depression before suicide kicks in, the mania before the voices and images kick in, the cynical side, the slightly crueler side, the cold outlook on the world. Its all a part of who I see myself as.

But none of those are absolutes. I yo-yo back and forth between everything. Most of my friends, while still being three-dimensional, can be described with a few distinct adjectives. But I’m not just sweet or kind or cruel or helpful or a good listener or a good advice giver or a mother figure or a simple friend.

Ok, ok. I know that no one is just one thing or another. But generally people have a disposition. I don’t feel like I do. Manny and I used to talk about it. He says I’m sometimes kind and wonderful, but can turn into the biggest cruelest bitch he knows as well. It was part of why our relationship never worked out. He never knew which Rory he was getting. And I understand the frustration with that. When I woke up, I never knew which Rory I was going to be or how I was going to react to the day and its events. Its just a cruel circle, the same problem over and over.

Oh no the battle forms inside
And I speak, but you don’t see the signs
My heart aches, leaving me here to hide
My world shakes, until you assure me

Oh no there goes composure
Over and out to sea
Oh no this won’t control me
But it seems to get the best of me

The same problem, coming to haunt me again
And I know its taken the best of my head
The same problem tears me to pieces inside
And I’m left to wonder oh why

Oh no I’m crossing my fingers
In hopes that you will not leave me
Far away, the silence it burns me
As I wait, the tension builds

The same problem, coming to haunt me again
And I know its taken the best of my head
The same problem tears me to pieces inside
And I’m left to wonder oh why

Oh why can’t I move forward?
Oh why does my mind wander?
Oh why does my heart desire you?

The same problem, coming to haunt me again
And I know its taken the best of my head
The same problem tears me to pieces inside
And I’m left to wonder oh why

Oh no there goes composure

Composure ~ Waking Ashland