The night before

Night before my recital.  Somethings are the same.  Somethings are different.  My parents arrived a few hours ago and inspected my new apartment.  Again, this was the first time they had been out here to see where I’ve been living for the past semester and a few months.  My last apartment I moved into in February and they saw it in October.  I moved in here for the fall semester and they are just seeing it now.  Unpacked all the presents they brought and organized the plans for the next day.  Went to dinner at the same restaurant before going out seperate ways for the night; parents to hotel, me to the apartment.  The difference is the lack of a friend tonight.  I like my alone time and I do have my cat, but sometimes it is nice to have someone here to scare off the anxiety and nervousness that is randomly rearing its head.  I think it wouldn’t be as bad except for the conversation I had Friday night after my dress rehearsal.

I called Manny to vent about the guy who missed the rehearsal and catch-up on life.  He’s taking the next week off cause he really deserves a vacation and has the time.  I had already known this.  For a bunch of reasons, I never thought he might come to my recital.  I missed him a lot last time around.  I really wanted him here, but he didn’t have the time, money or ability to get out here.  And I understood that.  He’s got time now, but its still a long trip and pretty expensive.  He doesn’t have a car so it would have to be a train, plane or hitch a ride somehow.  That’s even more time spent traveling and I didn’t expect him to spend half of his vacation in transit to see me.  I understood that and was fine with it.  I’m sure I’d still miss him, but I understood.  Until he told me he had seriously considered coming out.  He had the time, and thought it could be fun.  Take the train and spend some time here.  But for some reason, one he didn’t share, he decided not to.  I almost wish he hadn’t even told me he had thought about coming out.  I’m going to miss him even more this time around because he could have come out.  And he wanted to.  But he didn’t.  And I don’t really understand why he decided not to.  I’m mad, but not really.  Maybe disappointed more than anything.  I really wanted him here last time and somewhere inside me I did want him here this time too.

I’m still trying to figure out how our relationship works.  I know Manny approaches it with a "Let it be what it will be" attitude.  We are what we are, so why bother defining it.  I understand that.  But I think there needs to be boundaries.  We have some, but there is still a lot of unknowns.  Settle put it best.  "Your relationship with him isn’t black and white.  You’re more like various shades of grey."  He’s right.  We’ve never been clearly defined by any means.  Forget saying we’re not normal, because no one’s relationship is "normal".  But there are certain lines of definition and we seem to defy all those concepts.  As much as I want to find someone to fall in love with, to marry and raise a family with… I can’t imagine being as close with anyone else.  He understands me in a way that no one else does or can.  And I know its partly because we have history and not just relationship history, but just having known each other as long as we have and experienced things together.  But I have other friends I’ve known as long as him, even longer.  Except the bond isn’t the same.  I can’t really explain it.  I rely on him still.  I think partly it is because I know that I can.  I know I can count on him and that he’s not going to abandon me.  But there’s also things about my life, my past that he knows.  Some things he’s lived through with me and some things I told him.  Either way, they are part of my past.  I’m not sure I want to dig up everything from my past with a new guy.  But I also don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t know me.  All of me.  I know I should just wait and cross that bridge when I get there.  I mean, I’m not going to spill my life story on a first date.  So I can wait until at least the one month anniversary, right?

I still wish he could be here tomorrow.  This is a big day for me.  Graduation is important too, but its a big day for a couple hundred people.  Tomorrow is MY day.  Maybe that’s selfish and arrogant, but its still true.  To me, its bigger than my birthday.  This is a celebration of what I’ve accomplished.  I’m showing what I can do, not just being happy the earth circled the sun again.  This is the day I want my family here.  This is the day I want my friends here.  This is why I wish he could be here tomorrow.  It feels like he was teasing me, that he dangled hope in front of my face and then yanked it away within a split second.  I’m going to spend tomorrow missing him and wishing he was here.  

But I will enjoy those who will be here.