The Night

originally from March 2004
And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake

After we were done, he fell asleep. The mixture of sex and alcohol made his breathing loud. I sat listening, silently screaming “Dear God, what have I done?” His warm arms wrapped around my shivering body and I still felt completely alone. I sat up, seeing lights move across the wall. “It’s cold. Come back here,” he murmered pulling me back down. I laid there, waiting only a few seconds before his breathing told me he was asleep again. I crept from beneath the covers, carefully listening to make sure he didn’t wake.

Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a wave

I crept outside with my cell phone, the cold night air knocking the wind from my lungs. Failing to catch my breath, I tiptoed to my car. The squirrel in the tree chattered a warning, making me jump. In my car, I forced calm over me as I frantically dialed a number. No answer. Panic swept over me as I repeated the process two more times. Even the call I actually made only calmed me a little. I gripped the steering wheel.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I’ve done?
I don’t know if I should stay or turn around and run

I went back. Creeping back to the door and hesitating outside. Tears welled up and I choked back a sob. Silent screams wracked my body as I leaned against the cold stone wall. Time stops when the pain is this immense. Looking up at the cold starry night, I’ve felt more alone than I ever have before. The magnitude and size of the universe weighs heavily in your mind, and you feel like the grain of sand you are, in respect to this giant moving sphere. I scratched my palms against the ragged stone, praying the pain would bring me back to perspective, wishing for something to make me feel more real. When all I really wanted was to feel less alive. Wishing the cigarette in my hand would really kill me. I wanted to leave and run my car off the road. There was one not to far from here that would do nicely.

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one

I don’t want to be dishonest. I refuse to lie to him now. But did he even notice I was no longer lying beside him? Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, I crawled onto the bed next to him. “You came back,” he sighed. “You noticed?” Opening eyes that will be imprinted on my brain forever, he nodded. “Well, not right away. But I woke up and you were gone. I was going to come after you. But you came back.” Kissed my nose and pulled me back under the covers. I rolled away as his breathing evened out again.

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can’t give you anything for you to call your own

I’m fine, really. Completely and utterly freaked-out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. He says its normal. I feel anything but normal. I’m another statistic, a number to go down in the books. I’m crying inside every minute since that night. It was special and yet it wasn’t. It was amazing and wonderful and yet it wasn’t. He told me he’s going back out to sea. He’s treating me great, but this is not how I ever imagined my life. He just snores on next to me.

And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake

My head was filled with fear, self-loathing, pride, anger, happiness, pain and every other emotion inbetween. There were so many emotions tumbling about, I couldn’t even feel confused. I wanted to leave but where would I go? I couldn’t go home, not now. I had made my bed, so know I would have to lie in it. And I did. Wide awake, next to him, I wondered if he could even begin to understand what I was thinking. With a silent scream, I realized he couldn’t.

Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a wave

Nothing makes sense now and my world, which was already tipping on its toes, is now in a free-fall around me. All I want is support and love. And unfortunatly those who won’t give it will have to be left behind. I can’t fight with others when I’m fighting with myself. I don’t have that kind of energy. I refuse to lie to anyone, but I will omit parts of the whole story. Except to those I implicitly trust. Two particular people know the whole truth. One showed no support and the other showed more than I thought imaginable. Two friendships, one instable and one stable. Who do you think I’m going to turn to?

Don’t know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, “You’ll be all right. What’s on your mind?”
But the water’s shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Now I can’t sleep at night. Tossing and turning, not quite awake but never quite asleep.

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close

Sleep is just out of my reach and comes only in exhaustion. But its not real sleep. Its the coma sleep of a body pushed too far too long. Everything, thankfully, shuts down and turns off all the lights. Hours pass in the mere blink of an eye. But painfully, the awakening brings back the dread and exhaustion of the previous hours. Your body has recovered and can move again. But your head is still spinning out of control. Exhausted you may be, but nothing lets you rest in peace. The only thing keeping sharp objects away from me is the possibility of life.

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am
Freaked-out
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional