the illusions of this world

twelve in 12: twelve books in twelve months

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Tuesday, December 11, 2007Time:12:16 amMood Level:DepressedSeverity:Mild (without significant imparment)Anxiety:0=NoneIrritability:0=NoneHours Slept:10 HoursMedication:150 mg Lamictal

I’ve been watching too many romance movies lately. I’ve been watching too many shows where guy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after. I don’t like being this girl. I don’t like being the girl that lives for the romance, the kiss, the touch. I want to be able to live my life without this constantly hanging over my head. Sex in the City is a great show, as is Friends. I grew up on Friends. But in the end of both shows everyone finds that someone. They live happily ever after in their love. I can take some comfort in the fact that their lives are probably not perfect. I can take some comfort in the fact that they are not real people, just characters. But it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. Finding that someone, having that someone. I don’t think I’m ready to get married. I don’t think I’m ready to settle down and have kids. But I want someone. Someone special in that way. I have people who are special to me, but not that someone.

I used to believe firmly in The One. That one person out there who was perfect for me, and whom I was perfect for. I never needed the fairy tale castle or the knight in shining armour on a white horse. But I used to at least have the dream of The One. I’m not so sure anymore. My fear is that I’ve had my One. The One perfect for me, and me perfect for him. But I screwed up. Or the world screwed me over. And my time with The One has passed. It’s over and there isn’t a second One. That would defeat the person of calling him The One.

I try to “keep the faith.” I try to keep alive the belief and the hope that he’s out there. I try to believe that it hasn’t already happened. But I’m just really not convinced. My head and my heart are in constant battle. My head tells me I will find him, I will find love again. But my heart tells me not to live on a dead hope.

Somethings very wrong here
Your heart has frozen over
and somethings very strange here
You’ve lost all desire
The comfort we create to prove we’re something
But we’re starving
Screaming in the night cause you want answers
From the one
And there is hope again

Don’t give up you’re not thinking
Don’t give up just keep seeking
And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

Come and take my face or forever walk alone
And all the same mistakes
Cause I know you, I deny you
Days go by and choices still remain forever
Right and wrong is black and white
The illusions of this world
And there is hope again

Don’t give up you’re not thinking
Don’t give up just keep seeking
And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

I send my self to you
Yes always and always
I send my self to you

I send my self to you
Yes always and always
I send my love to you

And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

You found today, found today, you found today, with your life today
You found today, found today, you found today, with your life today

I Am For You ~ Waking Ashland

Damaged Goods

December 12, 2007

The thing with all these characters that are finding love and what not…you’ve got to remember, they’re in their 30’s..you’re not. You’re 23. You’re young. You’ve got plenty of time for love. Just hold on. Everyone’s got someone out there.

Lady Rumness

I can’t wait for the sex & the city movie … I still watch the re-runs like there new. ..

RYN: It starts 4 yrs later, after the show ended! hehe I’m so exicited about it too, supposed to come out next year, no official relase date yet. We already have a huge group going to see it!

That’s true, they haven’t, and they are. Even if you look at real life people, most people don’t find ‘The One’ until their late 20’s early 30’s if they’re lucky. Eliza’s parents didn’t get together…well, her father was 32 when they got married. And it’s his first marrage. And look at the divorce rates. Last I heard it’s at 98%. Finding that right one takes time, and you may go through a couple

relationships before you find him. Just be patient.

And yes, I’m smart. My brother made me take an IQ test once. My score was 155. I don’t really brag about it. I’m not ashamed or anything, but I don’t hold it over anyone or anything.

Well, I heard that several years ago. But even so, you get my point.

Shazar

I know this too well. Today, I started humming “Calico Skies” by Paul McCartney, and I realized that I didn’t know WHY or to WHO I was directing the song to. And it brought me crashing back to earth, just this feeling of… longing? futility? Whatever it was, I didn’t like it. But it was also hopeful, because my thoughts are directed somewhere, right? So here’s to our “ones,” wherever they might be.