the beauty of love as it was made to be

One of my favorite ODers wrote an entry that snapped a few things into place for me.  This is not the first time she has done so either!  She was talking about her relationship with her husband and how things changed now that they have a son.  But she talked about trust.  Again.  Trust is such an integral part of her relationship with her husband, and I believe it should be a part of every marriage.  I really believe that failed marriages, at their heart, have failures of trust.  Anyways – trust and good relationships.

I’ve talked with a few people about Nathan and Mike and because I don’t go back to work until tonight, it is still weighing heavily on my mind.  Right now, neither will happen and maybe neither will.  So why am I obsessing?  Because I feel like everything has changed after my visit.  Both men have changed and are suddenly possibilities, whereas they were not before.  And time is of the essence.  I can’t just wait forever.  And I really wished I had talked to Nathan before I left, so I have a better idea of what he’s thinking and where he’s coming from.  Because if he’s not feeling what I think I’m feeling, I can…  I don’t know.  Move on.  Shut down these feelings.  Stop dreaming and crying that I’m not in New York.  I’m terrified of repeating the Rob-drama.  I allowed myself to admit how I felt about Rob.  I let go and fell head over heels into love.  Except he didn’t catch me, and I broke.  If Nathan’s answer is negative, then I won’t let myself go further down the path.

Arg!  I can’t sort things out properly!  I used to be able to organize my thoughts so much better!  This is not what I wanted to write about.

Trust.  Relationships.  Avalon’s entry reminded me of another entry she wrote a few years back about her relationship with her husband and how it changed how I thought about my parent’s relationship and trust.  Both relationships have a strong foundation in trust.  In comparison, it made me realize that is exactly what I want as well.  I want a relationship with a trust foundation.  I also realized that I trust very few people to that extent.  Recently, I’m realizing there are different levels of trust and just because I trust Person A more than Person B, it does not mean I distrust Person B.  Why is this so important?  Because of Manny.

Wait.  What?!  When did he get involved in this thought process?

When the comparisons of trust become involved.  I’ve been concerned recently that my future husband, whoever he is, will have clashes with Manny because of my relationship with Manny.  Manny knows me so well and I’m not sure I’ll be able to find someone who can surpass that.  He also doesn’t really acknowledge that there is a line between us because we dated.  I’m worried that my future husband will reach a point where he will ask me to chose between Manny as the line-crosser and himself.  Manny believes I’m worried for nothing.  Since neither of us has found someone, I’ve let it drop.  But it is still something I’m worried about.  Will Manny always be the only one?

But I think about my connection with Mike.  We fooled around with some very, very light restraining.  I wasn’t scared.  Jared tried it once with me and it freaked me out.  With Mike, it was… well, wonderful!  Now the comparison isn’t exactly fair, I know.  But it shows me how much I trust Mike, and how he does think of me.  He wants to try new things, but never ever pushes me farther than I’m comfortable to go.  From verbal cues to unspoken cues, he pays attention and cares and remembers.

Okay, so where does Manny fit into this?  Don’t I trust Manny?  Yes.  But.  Not as much as I trust Mike.  And this goes back to what I said above about levels of trust.  Just because I trust Mike more than I trust Manny, it doesn’t mean I distrust Manny.  But the truth remains that I trust Mike more.  Thats incredibly important.

Where does Nathan fit into this picture?  Thats where the piece above fits in.  I trust Nathan quite a bit.  But… the relationship is different than with Mike.  And I’m really afraid to allow myself to fall for Nathan only to not be caught.  Rob didn’t catch me and I know how much that hurt.  This would be worse.  So so so much worse.  And I’ve already caught myself thinking it might be too late.  But for now, denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Sigh No More ~ Mumford and Sons