that’s taking me to what will be my home

I screwed up.  Royally.  And I know I have absolutely no one to blame but myself.  I’ve taken certain steps to fix it, but I really don’t know if its going to work out.

I failed my classes.  I worked hard at one of them, but blatantly gave up on two of them.  And at the last moment, I choked on the one I was actually working for.  So I lose this semester.  Majorly.  I don’t want to even look at my grades.  I’ve pretended everything is fine, but its really not.  I still want to go to seminary, but I am terrified I don’t have the balls to make it.  Its grad school, and its going to be hard work.  I’m not allergic to work, but I just seem to shut down for whatever reason and lose out.

I wasn’t always like this.  In high school and even jr. high, I was smart, funny, successful and busy as hell.  I had a million things going on, but somehow managed to balance them all.  Then I went loco, and shaved off everything in my life to bare bones – only what I absolutly needed to survive.  And while I’ve survived, I’ve never been able to get up off my knees.  Perhaps this "bare bones" mentality gives me too much time to get trapped in overthinking – in more basic terms, never leaving my apartment.  I always have more time to finish things.  I can do it later.  I’ll do it tomorrow.  Or that night.  But then the later comes and I’m too terrified of not being successful, I don’t even bother trying.

Ever since I’ve started in Fredonia, I’ve tried to keep my school schedule light and easy.  The largest number of credits for the fewest classes – which ends of being one or two major classes and everything else is crap.  But I can’t seem to do that.

After this semester’s collassal failure, ( and in order for me to graduate in May), I need to take certain classes, fulfilling certain requirements.  It means I need to take 19 1/2 credits next semester.  I’ve never taken more than 14 at the most since I’ve been here.  Supposedly because it will make me too stressed, too liable to have another breakdown.  Which could be reasonably, except I still can’t seem to function.  So I’m taking a different route, without telling my parents.  I’m taking all of those 19 1/2 credits.  Its going to be a heavy and hard semester.  I’m going to have to work my tail off.  But I want to prize – the chance to go to seminary.

The last time I wanted something this much was to come to college.  I needed my GPA to be slightly higher, so I took a semester of community college classes and worked my ass off.  It was my best semester ever with a 3.75 GPA and those classes were not easy.  But I had to do it.  And I have to do this.

If I can’t…   I’m not being pessimistic, I’m being realistic.  …but if I can’t hack it, that means there is something I need to deal with.  Graduating with this degree and moving forward is another step to being independent and strong and free from the heavy restraints of my bipolarism.  I will never be cured, but I need to learn how to deal.  I think I used to know how to deal, but somewhere along the lines I refused to be touched with anything but kid gloves.  "Be gentle, I can’t take much."  That is not me.  I am strong, and smart and powerful…  …and in those characteristics I am free.  That is the part of me I have so missed since high school.  I had a nervous breakdown and insulated myself from the world with those kid gloves.  I don’t want to be insulated that much.  Because I know I can do this.  I know I can do this!  Now I just have to convince myself of this.

Do I sound insane?  Yeah, maybe.  But insane works for me…

You know, thats it.  I’ve been fighting the insanity.  I’ve been trying to be normal, average, acceptable, somehow "solving" the bipolarism.  But I can’t.  I am insane.  That didn’t happen when the diagnosis was passed down.  I was insane before that.  I just found ways to deal.  Yes, the bipolarism gets out of control and medication helps keep me safe.  But I am me.  And I can do this.  In the insane crazy way that I do.  I won’t be able to do it the way everyone else may, but I can do the way I know how – with just a pinch of insanity!

Everyday I wake up late.
Since I quit my day job I have been sane.
But responsibilities sure do remain, but I’ll just let them wait.

Because I don’t know what I am doing now,
and I wont try to act like it cuz I sure don’t know how.
And I’ll admit that I don’t know, just where I’m going on this long and winding road
that’s taking me to what will be my home.

So stare and see that this is me,
and I will be just what I need to believe
that something is what I’m gonna be.
And what you do is what you do and what I do needs to be true.
The things I do maybe need to be thought through,
but just remember what’s right for me, might be not right for you.

Staring at this mirror and I’m wondering who you are.
Right now is a time for searching and I just wish I had a car
to drive a long distance and just think about the war,
and now life’s got so much more.

Because I don’t know what I am doing now,
and I wont try to act like it cuz I sure don’t know how.
And I’ll admit that I don’t know, just where I’m going on this long and winding road
that’s taking me to what will be my home.

So stare and see that this is me,
and I will be just what I need to believe that something is what I’m gonna be.
And what you do is what you do,
and what I do needs to be true.
The things I do maybe need to be thought through…
But I know what I want to dok and I want it to be true.
And yeah I’d be the first to say that of course I’ll listen to you,
but remember what’s right for me, might be not right for you

This Is Me ~ The Rocket Summer