Teenage Girl Freak Out
I’m finding myself writing here more and more. There are things I’m just not ready to share on Facebook with the entire world, but things I’d still like to get out.
I’m pretty sure I’m about to get fired.
I screwed up huge at the hotel, and might end up costing them over $700. I’m so angry at myself and the whole damn situation. I take responsibility for what happened. Its no one’s fault but mine. Sure, I could blame everyone else for not knowing the system and not training me well enough and not understanding exactly what I was doing or how to do it better.
And in all honesty, there IS a way to ensure that things like this don’t happen. Except no one at the hotel knows how to do that, and I only figured it out about a week ago or so.
Still.
I should have paid closer attention; I should have double-checked and then triple-checked what I was doing; I should have done something to catch my mistake.
A part of me is really angry that this hotel isn’t run better and that we don’t get better training. And a part of me knows it was an honest mistake. And a part of me hates that I ever make mistakes, that I can’t be perfect. What I hate most about this kind of mistake is that it wasn’t laziness or stupidity or apathy. It was just a mistake. An honest to God mistake.
Course, this mistake may cost me my job.
Although I don’t know why that would be so horrible! I don’t know why I’m sitting here crying over it. So I lose my job. I find a new job, right? Or will this be the kicker to move back to New York?
While I do hate that hotel sometimes and the fact that we’re understaffed and under-managed… I really like my job. I don’t completely hate the drunks who come in from the weddings, all excited. I like talking to them and hearing their excitement, while getting them to calm down and quiet down. I don’t completely detest the corporate guys who demand coffee at 4am. I like watching their faces when I say no problem and offer to make them a breakfast to-go bag as well. It may not be the sun and moon and the stars, but at that moment, to some of them – it may as well be. I like trying to anticipate my guests needs and questions and concerns and having their answers or solutions before they even finish explaining the problem. I like finding solutions to their issues and helping them to relax and enjoy themselves. I hate the kids. Not necessarily individually, but in general as a demographic. I hate them all. They are noisy and demanding and inconsiderate… basically they are kids. But at one o’clock in the morning, I’m not sure many people like kids in general. Just saying.
All of this is also falling under my fear with the Mike situation. He had a meet-up with his ex-girlfriend/neighbor person last night. He called me around 4:30am Saturday coming home from work and since then radio silence. In our last conversation, I asked him about what all this recent talk means. What happens next. What does all this honesty and openness make us and our relationship? Are we exclusive? Can I call him my boyfriend? What does that really mean? Am I expected to move home in X-number of months? Is there some kind of time limit or expiration date? We’re passing all these markers that read "The Point of No Return" in my mind. We’re heading down a road that I’m not convinced I’m strong enough to walk back up. We’re not yet completely there, but at some point, if we do not work out, if things do not end in a happy ever after – I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to just friends. Manny and I did it, but it nearly killed both of us in the process. Literally. I don’t know that I can survive it again.
I didn’t exactly tell him all that. But I did ask what all this… this… this honesty make us in this moment. His answer was that long distance relationships suck and he doesn’t want to do them anymore. But he also doesn’t want me moving home for him. Thats a contradiction in terms! I’m sorry but it is! He wants me, but he doesn’t want a long distance relationship and he doesn’t want me to move home for him?
Double-U Tee Eff.
And yesterday, he was meeting with this woman. I called him on my way to work at 10:30. Beware of the inner 14-year-old girl. His phone did a "pre-complete ring off." Yes, she has arrived on the scene! It rang once then barely rang again before going directly to voice mail. Okay, so I’m insane. I admit it. And when it comes to certain things, my body and brain are taken over my an addle-minded hormone-drive teenage girl. This is one of them. Nearly every other single person, time and place can do this to me and it won’t matter in the least bit. They are in the middle of something; they are otherwise occupied; they have something of more importance to deal with. All logical and acceptable and I’m fine with being thrown in voice mail in 99.9% of those situations. Here’s where the crazy 14-year-old rears her ugly pimple-covered head.
What the hell is he doing at 10:30 at night where he’s going to hit the ignore button before the call barely has time to register?!
The last time he did that to me was when I called him and he was with his then-fiance. They were having problems or issues or something and I wasn’t calling to cause problems or whatnot. I was actually calling him back. And I understand that. In the middle of a big fight with your fiance and another woman calls?! I can see her head completely turning off its axel at that point, especially when they already had problems to begin with. And I wasn’t "the other woman" and I don’t (and didn’t) blame Mike for quickly silencing and ignoring my call. No big deal.
Back then.
Before this week of emotion-bomb dropping.
What the hell is he doing at 10:30 at night where he’s going to hit the ignore button before the call barely has time to register?!
I need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy with my good pal vodka. Wednesday, you cannot get here soon enough!