take a leap from out the window

Today was just busy. I slept in because I took Ny-Quil last night and it really knocked me out. I needed to sleep. I had therapy at 12:45 so I got up and took and shower and all that jazz. It was good to talk about everything and how a lot of it is reminding me of McN. Jenny made the observation that I am worrying a lot about how others are taking it, and she said she wanted to know how I was dealing with it. She asked what was so similiar between McN and CK and why did they both bother me in the same way. I finally got to the point where I could say what it was. Its the loss of trust, the loss of that safe place. School is supposed to be a safe place where you can learn and grow. McN crossed the line and the school was no longer safe. I couldn’t trust something that I should be able to trust. Everyone has been saying they are so grateful this is not as bad as McN, that it is not a sex scandal. And they are making good points, but CK is almost worse than McN in the fact that this is a church. This is suppose to be a safe place, a sacred place.

Now, my rose-colored glasses were broken a long time ago, and I know that no one is perfectly perfect and no place is completely safe. They are merely illusions we create to believe in, to have that place where we are safe and protected. They are tricks of the pscyhe. But I can’t trick my mind into that. I’m too cynical, or too warped or something. Jenny says that for some reason, I’ve swung from being trusting and safe to the complete other side. There is a middle ground somewhere; the trick is to find it. My worry with the bell kids is the loss of their “safe place.” I don’t want their rose-colored glasses to be broken yet. They are still young, and I want them to enjoy their youth. I want them to enjoy their freedoms of being children. Ok, maybe I’m being somewhat condensending, but I want them to be safe. But therapy is not about them, its about me. Its about me finding that middle road. Jenny (and I) seem to think there are some repressed, unexpressed emotions from McN’s time that are coming through now because of CK and the whole situation. I am glad they are coming out because they have been starting to bother me. Its that feeling that you’ve forgotten something, but you can’t figure out what it is. Its just on the tip of your mind, but you can’t seem to figure it out.

After therapy, I went to the grocery store to get a few things for me and Mom. I’m making chocolate donuts tomorrow for my macro study group and we needed a few things. I couldn’t find everything I needed and then I had to go pick up Eleana. I ended up eating fried chicken and potatoe wedges for lunch. Eleana had some of my wedges too. She’s too cute sometimes. She absolutly adores listening to Veggie Tales. Its starting to annoy me, listening to the same damn children’s songs over and over. But she’s starting to sing along now and she has her favorite songs, so that somehow makes me a little happier. I came home and decided to lay down for a few minutes. I thought DeDra would be over eventually and she’d wake me up if I fell asleep. Well, she didn’t. She emailed my mom and my mom called my cell, but it was in the other room and I didn’t hear it ring. So Mom had to cook dinner, and she’s fighting off Dad’s cold just like me. Alex’s class was earlier this week so I had to leave earlier and missed eating a real dinner.

Cassie called while I was up at the campus. Her choir was suppose to sing on Sunday, but she only has 4 kids coming and she’s going slightly crazy with all the CK things too. She talked to my mom and Mom told her to just cancel it. Mike and Scott are playing special music at second service and they can do the same at the first service, no problem. (Speaking of which, I have to work on my music.) Cassie and I talked for a few minutes. I’m not as mad at her as I was on Tuesday. She’s trying to deal with it just like everyone else is. And just because CK has admitted to being a drug addict outloud doesn’t mean his teaching has changed any from two weeks ago when he was still hiding it. Hopefully he is really getting the help he needs, but thats something only he can do. I’ve never been this close to a cocaine addict before so I don’t know much. But from what I do know about drugs and addictions, I’m not sure he can do this without going into rehab. Its been going on too long and he’s been on too much of it. I don’t know I can believe he’s really ok until he checks into rehab or something.

I told my dad about Tina’s story the other night. He was really disturbed by it, because, as he put it, there is a big difference between using drugs and dealing drugs. How deep does the rabbit hole really go?

And Paul – I want to tell him everything, but I don’t know. I don’t know how he’ll react. I don’t know if I trust him enough not to turn his back and run. I want to believe that he’s not that kind of guy, but (going back to my trust issues) I just don’t know. He’s fitting a lot of the “perfect mate” things already. Not that I’m anywhere near ready to marry him, but its a checklist that is going on in my head. This is the very beginning of our relationship, too. Whether that relationship stays a friendship or becomes something more, it is still a new relationship. This is not going to be easy, and I don’t want to use him as a crutch the way I used Manny while I was at Calvin. Yes, there are differences, but I don’t want to repeat my mistakes. I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know if he’ll even know anything about it on Sunday, or if I’ll even see him. I hope I do becauase he is a bright little ray of sunshine and hope that I can live off for about a week. I was thinking of asking him if he wanted to go to Perkins for brunch after church and then maybe to see Brian play in the Wind Ensemble. It would be a nice little date, yet not. I’m going to have to play it by ear and see how everything else goes. I’m playing the services and I don’t know how drained I’ll be after doing them both. I also don’t know how much work I’ll left to do on Sunday.

Mom and Dad are supposed to go away, but now they might not. They don’t know and I don’t know. Nitta and Annemarie were gonna come over and we were going to have a little girls night. After this week, I want to surround myself with good people I trust and just get wasted. Not drunk, not tipsy, but completely out and out WASTED. Saturday I have Alex and then babysitting in the late afternoon. Somewhere in there I need to read the first act of Midsummer Night’s Dream, catch up on Philosophy, read my Psych book, make sure I understand the economics stuff and practice because the audition is now in 9 days (and thats counting today which is really cheating). I desperately need new reeds, but I can’t seem to catch Miz B.

Are you surprised I haven’t thrown myself off a cliff yet? I am!

In a car outside, we stalk the idle kind.
If you’re leaving, just let me know.
Tobacco and peppermint, dusting for fingerprints.
A film in her eyes from the glow.

Some rules are made with all intentions to break
And she defends it with a warped rationale.
And I’ve seen what happens to the wicked and proud
When they decide to try to take on the throne for the crown.

As we learn as we age<