succumbing to the games we play

Every day huh? Last entry was Wednesday and its now Saturday.

Thursday, nothing much happened. I had school and then I was home to study. Then took Alex to his driving class. Then home and to bed early, at least early for me. I went to bed at 10pm and was awake at 2am with the most horrible cramp in my leg. I was almost screaming it hurt so much. Eventually, it relaxed a bit. I put a heating pad on it and just forced myself to relax. How impossible is that? You are forcing yourself to relax. Friday morning my leg was just sore. But I was awake around 9:30. I had to pick up Eleana at 11:30 since they had a half day for some reason. Then I went to the Soup Kitchen to help my English prof cook. He needed people to chop onions, olives, tomatoes, parsley, oregano, and I don’t even know what else. He just kept putting things in front of my and telling me to chop. He had this kid from his other English class named Chris there helping too. We made Napoleanic bruschette and Tuscan bruchette and Baked Ziti. My third grade teacher’s husband Its a small world after all showed up with the bread and we all had some bruschette. It was amazingly good. And the three of us had fun cooking and talking. I really like that English prof. He’s a local guy who had two sons who used to take piano lessons from my mom. Anyways, it was cool.

Justin and I were suppose to go down and see my grandfather in the afternoon, but we kept missing each other. I called him around 3 when I finished at the Soup Kitchen and then went home to take a nap. He called while I was sleeping, so I called back while he was out playing tennis with the twins. I was slightly annoyed that we kept missing each other, but it wasn’t really a big deal. Eventually, T-Bone wanted to go to the diner to eat, so he and Brian picked me and Juice up. Justin told Nathan we’d be there so he showed up too. It was somewhat amusing. He walked in and sat down, looking at me. The conversation was pretty much as follows.
Nathan: I heard you were pretty mad at me. That you weren’t talking to me.
ME: **no comment, just ate more carrots.**
Brian: I don’t think thats in past tense yet.
Nathan: She was mad at me about the whole trip.
Me: This is really good broccoli.
Brian: WAS?
I did eventually laugh it off and let it go, but I wanted Nathan to realize how pissed the whole thing made me. Besides, he’s like a puppy. You can’t be mad at him forever. He’s too stupid and cute. After we ate, and after Nathan made me watch countless GIJoe spoofs and SNL, we decided to go to the bar for a few beers. Actually, Nathan and I were the only ones who wanted to go. Everyone else went home.

It was nice to get out for a little bit. We had a few beers, played pool and had a few more beers. He did apologize for the trip, which is better than him saying “I dunno why you’re mad!” So I got over it. We talked about stuff and it was just nice. He and I do have a good time when we go out. We were playing pool on a bar table, and he lost the second game by getting the 8-ball in (the same way I lost the first game). I wanted to finish clearing the table and he kept knocking my cue, or pushing the ball out of the way. Finally I chased him down back towards the bar and threw my shoe at him. It caught him smack on the arm. There were some other firefighters from his station there and they started laughing at him. It was a fun time. The bartender was a total blonde ditz and thats always great fun too. She was complaining that her belt was pinching her skin between it and her pants. So the guys told her to take off the pants and leave the belt on. She, with a straight face, said “No, thats too much work. I’ll have to take off my boots and thats just annoying.” They told her to leave the boots on (which were high-heeled hooker boots) and she still didn’t get it. I would have been on her side, but when someone is that dumb and bartending in a fireman’s bar, what can you expect? It was good amusement. Eventually I wanted to leave cause my sinuses were bothering me and I was getting a headache.

This morning I had one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had, although I think it was mixed with a stress migraine and sinus problems. I did throw up and that started to help, but I felt like absolute shit. The midst of all this, my parents are both trying to talk to me, and all I think is “Why now?”

My dad told me that the handbell director, CK, was getting fired for stealing money to support a cocaine problem. They don’t know the excat figure, but its somewhere around $25 grand and most likely more. The bell program is basically being put on hold, since there isn’t anyone to take it over. The major concerns is that the bells usually play on Thanksgiving and Christmas. These are traditionally services for the bells. So my parents want me to step up to the plate and cover the bells until Christmas. I eventually did agree to do it, but this is going to be tough. I knew CK wasn’t perfect. I knew he had annoying characteristics and what not. But he was still a good teacher and a good musician. He was still somehow I looked up to in a strange way. Its another statue knocked down and I wonder if anyone is as good as they say. I wonder if there is anyone I can trust. Its different than what happened with McN, but its something I’ll have to deal with, and something I have to go through.

I finally got my hair colored and cut today though. I got over being sick and went in at 3. My mom had been there early in the morning and Karen said she had a cancellation at 3, if I wanted to go in. I have nothing else to do besides study and recover, so I went. So now I’m working on Macro and trying to just organize my thoughts a little. I’ve felt for the past few days like I’m forgetting something, or ignoring and repressing something, but I can’t quite figure out what it is. I’m loving the Staind CD, but it brings forth a lot of random emotions and its weird.

Mike just IMmed me from Hawaii. I’m just tired of him and the emotions and chemicals he brings out in me. I kind of want to tell him to go shove it, but I don’t have heart. Its just not my personality to write people off completely. Even Heather, I don’t trust her and I have issues with her, but she is still on my mind. Maybe thats it. Her grandmother told me on Sunday that Casey still asks about me and Cindy and Mikie ask for me too. I don’t know if its hypocritical or what, but I do still care about her and her family.

Things are just in this weird holding period right now. I have two more weeks before my audition. I don’t know where things stand between me and….well, frankly anybody. I mean, Nitta and I are fine, Megan, Annemarie, Megan – friendships are all intact, but I dunno. I don’t know whats going on with Mike and it bothers me. At the same time, I don’t want to care about him anymore. But I do. And I don’t know what is going on between me and Justin or me and Paul.

Good music to me is emotional and heart-felt. But at the same time, it brings up my emotional baggage. I think thats what I wish I could get rid of, is all my emotional baggage. When you are younger, there isn’t a lot, but as you get older it has a bad way of getting heavier and more complicated and more tied into your soul. I’m just ti