Stirke

I’m embracing the crazy girl for a moment here.  I don’t even like hearing myself think all these things, so I really do not want to say them all to him at this moment.

(Little back story – Con-Ed has locked out its union workers, who are technically on strike now.  The contract expired at midnight on Saturday and there is no idea when things will be settled.  So Mike is on strike.  Con-Ed is the power company for that area of NY.)

But I wish he would talk to me.  It feels like he’s shutting me out right now and I do not like it.  I don’t like it because I don’t know what’s going on in general.  I don’t like it because I don’t know what he’s doing or how he’s feeling about it all.  Is he concerned this strike will last as long as the last strike did (nine weeks)?  Is he concerned for his school bills?  Has he even thought of it yet or is he just taking it one day at a time right now?  Would my asking make things worse or not?  Is he hoping the company will fold with the incredibly hot days that are coming up and end the strike?  Or is he more concerned about what happens when his own house loses power?  His texts today have been monosyllabic at best, so I’ve left him alone.  I have no idea what he’s dealing with because he won’t talk to me.  Won’t or can’t – at this point I’m not sure it really matters.  We haven’t talked and thats just a fact.  And I’m annoyed by that fact.

The why bothers me too, but on a different level. Why haven’t we talked?  Did he burn out all his talking from the previous week?  So he gets to dump everything on me and then turn off his cell phone?  Or is he really just that busy?  Or is he ignoring me?  Or avoiding me?  Why would he be ignoring or avoiding me?  The only thing I can link together is that he saw Ann that Saturday and then radio silence.  Which is why I feel like I’m tearing my hair out wanting to know what happened with him and Ann.

But right now, he’s dealing with the fact that he’s out of a job until the union and Con-Ed come to some agreement.  The last thing I want to do is make things worse.

Is this the bigger problem?  That I’m always the one tiptoeing around trying not to bother him?  In a way, that is how things were in my house growing up.  My mother and I tiptoed around my father trying not to bother him.  Which may be true, but its not the whole story.  And its not the whole story with Mike either.  When I thought I was getting fired, Mike was the one who calmed me down.  When I was completely losing my mind, he did find time to talk to me.  And right now, I’m not at crisis level.  So I don’t really think I can, or should, demand all his time and attention.

But this was one of my problems.  If I’m not about to kill myself or jump off a bridge, its not that serious.  Except its not just an on/off switch.  Its a dial, and there are emotions and feelings in between wonderful and suicidal.  Valid, real emotions that need to be addressed and dealt with at times.  How long do I keep things to myself before sharing them?  I don’t want to become a ticking time bomb and I don’t want to shut out any and everyone who wants to help me?  I also don’t want to be a weight to someone who needs a break of their own.

Weeding out my own self-doubts and issues, tranquilizing the crazy psycho girl within and calming the compulsive helper…  I think I’m justified in just saying that I want to talk to him.

Now how in the world do I say that without sounding like a crazy person!?