Stay In Shadow

I’m cutting again.

No one to blame but me, but I am. I just wanted to play pool and get out of the house. Instead I’m left trying to get the courage up to tell Mike about Ricky. He was driving home and I was really worried that he was going to drive off the road, he was so upset. He knew the family and actually saw Anthony about a month ago. I’m upset becaue of Ricky, but of other things too. And they have to do with Mike and I need to talk to him about it, but not right now. He doesn’t need anymore on his plate.

I don’t have my car so I can’t get out. And it’s just my mood. It’s off. I realized last night how freakin’ manic I was too. I had called Brian and talked to him for a little while and I was majorly hyper and freaking out for a while. He was kinda laughing at me, but he could tell I wasn’t myself. And that was after I had called Mike and after I talked to Megan. Its the first of July and Rick has no job, so she’s coming out here. She doesn’t know if he’ll come or not, but she could care less. So she was in an odd mood.

And I called Kim to talk about Mike too cause I’m kinda freakin out. But I wasn’t on the phone long enough with Megan cause Mike called and Kim wasn’t home and Kaba was playing Sims and not really paying attention. Which is ok cause she told me she was gonna hang with Lauren today. But between playing Dr. Phil to Kim, telling Mike about Rickey and trying to help Megan I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about Mike. And I don’t really want to tell Brian about it and I’m not getting into with Manny. So I’m just stressed. I think I’m repressing things too much, which I know is bad and dangerous but I just am.

The only person who really listened to me about Mike was Little Santero. But he was working on the webpage and I was still really manic. Daddy had gone to dinner with Mr. J and then he was going to the firehouse so he wasn’t even home. It was Thursday so there is nothing good on TV, I couldn’t even lose myself there. I ended washing the dishes and then putting more is soapy hot water to soak. I was watching the Yankees/Sox game (YEAH FOR YANKEES!!) and I was falling asleep, so when the game finally ended I went to bed, thinking I’ll wash them today or something. But I didn’t excatly go to bed. I found my reed knife and a safty pin. Now there are bandaids on my wrists. I kinda hope Mike sees them and freaks. But I really don’t want anyone to see them. I’m not blaming him, not really. He didn’t hold the knife. But Brian and Manny won’t see it. I’m not gonna hang with them. And this morning I was going to put on my bracelets, but I forgot. I put bandaids on instead so the marks are covered.

It’s just bad.

And this morning Dad was yelling at me for not finishing the dishes. Well one – I did have a cut on the back of my hand that hurt from work. But I had already done most of them. And then I was falling asleep. I didn’t mention the cutting for obvious reasons. But he was all pissy at me cause I also overslept. First time this week and he freaked. And then he was pissed cause I didn’t finish the dishes. Like he’s done anything to help. He goes out to dinner, he uses the dishes but doesn’t put them in the dishwasher either. I swear, my husband had better be willing to help in the kitchen every once in a while or I’ll kill him. But he ticked me off cause of that.

I was good this morning. Only one cigarette so far. But I think we’re going to Andy’s for lunch and we’ll sit outside so I’ll probably smoke through lunch. Ugh. And I am honestly trying to quit. Maybe I’ll skip the afternoon cigarette. Depends on how I feel. Grrr… just mad at the world in general and hurting.
I hate hurting.

It’s all too familiar
I’ve been here before
I’ll carry this weight for your smallest reward
Because I’ll continue to break down the door
Just let me in I swear
It will not be like before
Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine
Freaked-out
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional