spending your days away in space

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Uther ~ Jack Whyte

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory

Walking home from school today with Kelly, something struck me.  I’ve put up my wall again.  Around my heart and my head.  We were talking about one of the freshmam oboists and how great she seems to be.  Kelly doesn’t want her to turn out like Baboon or anything, but I really don’t see that coming.  Either way, I really don’t care what happens with her.  She’s nice and I don’t mind talking to her, but I don’t really want to become best friends with her or anything.

I know part of it for me is the age difference.  She’s barely 18 and away from home for the first time – normal for most freshmen.  I don’t have a great desire to bond with the freshmen or the grad student, though he seems to want to talk to me a whole lot more than I want to talk to him.  Either way, I don’t want to be his friend.  I don’t want to be anyone’s friend!  I mean, I don’t want new friends.  I don’t want the drama and flair and crap that comes along with new friends.  I like my friends.  I like who I am and who they are, and I just don’t care much for anyone outside that group right now.  I know that sounds cold and harsh, but unfortunately thats the way life is right now.

All this thinking and talking (did I mention Merchant Marine Mike called this morning?) makes me realize that my wall is back up.  I don’t want to get hurt, so I’ve insulated myself against anything that might get too close.  I’m even pushing away some of my friends, more for their protection than mine.  It kind of makes me sad, but at the same time I’m able to focus and disassociate and get things accomplished.  The church schedule isn’t completely done, but its a whole hell of a lot closer than its ever been in past years.  I feel proactive and in control.  I care about certain things and certain people and other things I could give a rat’s ass about.  It seems like a very good place to be, secure in whom I am and what I want, but I know its mostly a lie and a face and a sign of things to come.

At the same time, I like this freedom.  Being able to talk to Mike, and not worry or stress about when I get to see him again.  Being able to hear him talk about the new girl he’s seeing, and genuinely being happy for him.  Yes, there’s a part of me that wishes I was the girl – of course.  There always will be.  But the reminders of how he and I would have never worked are stronger.  I still care for him, and always will.  But I no longer want him, or need him or desire him the way I used to.  As odd as it seems, he is becoming one of my old friends.  Not necessarily someone I tell everything to, but someone who I’ve known for a long time and who knows me.  We’ve seen each other through some very difficult times in our lives.  And really nothing is going to change that.  We have shared memories and experiences.  There are things he’s told me that he hasn’t told anyone else.  And there are things I’ve talked to him about that I’ve never mentioned to anyone else.  I don’t know how we did it, but somehow we did.

Talking to him today made me realize how I keep up a facade around so many people.  And that is pretty draining.  I love being roommates with Kelly, but I’m never completely myself.  There’s always… something holding me back.  Keeping up an appearance for her.  I don’t always notice it, but I do this with so many people.  Only in their absence, do I then release the mirage and relax.  Its so odd, like clenching and unclenching for different people.  Perhaps living with Kelly has made me so clenched, its harder and harder for me to release. 

Hence this appearance of a wall around myself.

Yeah, open,
now let me see the way you work it.
Let me see you work it.

Just lay down.
You’ve got me right here where I need it.
I’ll hold out just as long as you.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, we are
We’re weak in the knees and I can’t take this.
Heat stroke, our burning bodies melt away.
Just work it, just work it, I’ve been
I’ve been waiting, I’ve been waiting, I’ve been craving away. I need this.
I will hold out just as long as you.
(Tonight is the night we sink wishes deep into our skin.)

Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight.
Oh, we’ll let it take control fusing you to me.
Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight.
Oh, we’ll let it take control fusing you to me.
Oh yeah!

Are you nervous?
Spending your days away in space,
thicker than air, than air.
We’ve been waiting, we’ve been waiting, we’ve been craving away. We need this.
I’ll hold out just as long as you.
(Tonight is the night we examine ourselves tip to tip)

Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight.
Oh, we’ll let it take control fusing you to me.
Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight.
Oh, we’ll let it take control fusing you to me.

Stop.

Work. Work. Just let this work.
Just let it take control, fusing you to me.
Oh, just let it take control, fusing you to me.
Just let it take control, fusing you to me.
Just let it take control, fusing you to me.

Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight.
Oh, we’ll let it take control fusing you to me.
Don’t hold back, hold nothing back tonight, tonight
We’ll let it take control fusing you to me.

Yeah, open,
now let me see the way you work it.
Come on and take control right now, now, now, now.

Don’t Hold Back ~ The Sleeping