sound the retreat and forfeit the mission

“You’re in nine kinds of pain. You don’t know what’s going on inside of you, and you are so locked into damage control.” ~ Stanley, from West Wing, Season 2

Nine kinds of pain. I’ve been trying to deal with issues, but somehow they just manage to come back and bite me in the ass.

I had a nervous breakdown. It was terrifying. It only lasted a few hours, but after describing it to Jenny, she confirmed that I had a lapse with reality – a nervous breakdown. Good news – We don’t think it was part of my bipolarism. Jenny said this is just something some people go through, a lapse with reality. Now I’ve had my reality messed with before, but never like this. I couldn’t recognize stairs. The staircase in my house was something unknown to me. The staircase I’ve jumped, skipped, walked, climbed on for the better part of 20 years. I looked at it and I had no idea what it was. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was foreign. I couldn’t figure out what its purpose was or what it might be used for. A staircase.

I felt like my grip on reality was shattering before my eyes. I knew I used to know. I knew I should know. I knew the answer was so easy, it was ridiculous. But reality was shattering, literally right before my eyes. Things that used to be familiar and comforting – the doormat, the coatrack – were completely foreign to me. I tried to get a grip on reality and on myself, but my world was crumbling to shards. It was so terrifying.

It was brought on by stress and lack of sleep. So I picked a weekend and decided to go away. Get away from it all and have a few stress-free days. It didn’t excatly happen that way. There were always these things nagging at the back of my brain – things I had to do, remember or take care of. There were even things that called my phone and outright bothered me. So my stress-free weekend was less stressful than my usual self, but by no means was it stress-free and I don’t really feel completely rejuvinated. I still feel tired. I still feel stressed. All I wanted was a few days to be able to breathe and get back to my center.

I’m terrified of having another nervous breakdown. I’m trying to insure that at least I’m sleeping at night, but the stress levels seem to continue to increase and I can’t find a release button. I’m getting more desperate and scared with each day that passes. How do you stop the inevitable? How do you stop the storm you know is approaching, slow and menacing?

Radio man,
Get us a signal,
We need to establish,
Some communication.

You’re breaking up captain,
Repeat your position,
Receiving distortion,
Repeat your location.

Echo to base,
We’re taking on fire,
Send reinforcement,
We can’t hold the line.

We’re under attack
Requesting permission
To sound the retreat
And forfeit the mission.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
We’re not waiting any longer,
Now you’ve gotta get us out.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
Now you gotta get us out.

Radio man,
Try them again,
It’s now or it’s never,
If you want to live.

They’re moving in close,
We’re losing our light,
If we don’t reach them now,
Then we won’t last the night.

Echo to base,
The front line is down,
The company’s weak,
And too few to hold out,

Captain come back,
Please say again,
The signal is fading out
Someone come in.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
We’re not waiting any longer,
Now you’ve gotta get us out.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
We’re not waiting any longer,
Now you’ve gotta get us out.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
We’re not waiting,
We have to get out.

Say it back, Say it loud,
Send us help, And send it now.
We’re not waiting any longer,
Now you’ve gotta get us out.

Over and Out ~ Brandtson