so undeniably yours

So yesterday Sarah and I went to this huge yard sale and then the mall. My sleep has been all messed up and I wanted to reset myself. So I didn’t sleep much on Friday night. I knew if I got up and got coffee, I’d be fine to walk around the yard sale and the mall. All that exercise plus the lack of sleep would mean I could fall asleep earlier and therefore “reset” my sleep pattern. I’m such a genius. The yard sale was amazing and it was huge. The commercials said it was the world’s biggest yard sale and after going, I’m apt to believe it. Everytime I thought it was almost finished, there was another building or another section I had missed. I got 16 new records. Yes, sixteen! And I paid less than $15 for them all. I’m so jazzed about my record player. I really love it. And it does sound better than CDs. Not to mention a lot of the stuff on record you can’t even find on CD. Both classical and pop. I found KC and the Sunshine Band along with Chicago. I also found one of Paul Simon’s albums which I might give to Brian if I get down to see him soon. I got some amazing classical stuff too, with the Royal Philharmonic and old Slatkin. Leonard Slatkin is the one most people know, but they forget about his dad Felix. Felix was the violinst who Frank Sinatra loved to play with. He’s amazing. I got him conducting Gershwin, and I love it. I also found in the boxes and piles of music a recording of Bill Cosby’s stand-up, including the “Noah” skit. My parents talked about it when I was young, but wouldn’t let me listen to it. That’s for later tonight. Right now I’m listening to a Wagner album that actually needs to be turned….

Back to the real reason of my entry. I was exhausted when I finally got home from all the shopping and walking. But I forced myself to stay awake until nine, so I would get a solid night’s sleep. I think I fell asleep with my book a little before that, but woke up an hour later and climbed off the couch and into my bed. Perfect. I slept soundly until a little before midnight when the pre-gaming started for those kids who were going out. But no big deal, just rolled over and went back to sleep. I remember waking up because I was cold and glancing at the clock, which informed me it was about five in the morning. I shut my window and fell back asleep. Somewhere between the pre-gamers and that five am wake-up, I had a dream. Very strange and I can’t remember a lot of it now. Someone was getting married, but we were in the jungle for a while and camping near a river and jumping in the water. I can’t really remember all the details excatly. But I remember being at church or in some kind of building. I’m really just assuming its a church because there was an organ playing and some people were talking about a wedding. I think it was my friend, Justin’s wedding, but there were also invitations that were talked about being sent. Very odd. But the part that has stuck with me for a lot of the day had to do with his brother, Ryan. I’m fuzzy on details. We were talking about his brother’s wedding or maybe actually at the wedding. I was leaving or Ryan was leaving, I can’t remember. But there was a goodbye hug. Hugs between him and I are not unusual. They aren’t every day occurances, but we do hug. But this was not a usual hug. This was a tight, close, intimate hug – in which he whispered, “You should be with me.” I think I was there with someone else or dating someone else because of the way he said it. Like I should be with him instead of someone else. Almost like “You should be mine.” Its haunted me all day long, because I can hear it in his voice. Sometimes in dreams, I hear everyone talking with my voice or how I would mimic them. But this was his voice. Its kind of haunted me all day now. “You should be with me.”

SOME BACKSTORY: I’ve known these boys for ages. I remember Ryan in first grade. We were in different classes, but I do remember him. Our moms were friends. Justin is a two years older. Ryan went to a different junior high, but ended up in my high school. His brother used to give me rides home sometimes, and once Ryan and I became seniors, Ryan drove me in the morning and the afternoon. Both are trumpet players and good musicians, though neither went into music. After I left Calvin, Ryan really pushed and encouraged me to go back to school, specifically his school. That didn’t happen, but he was really happy for me once I did go back. He is one of the guys who kidnap me every once in a while and force me to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 with him and his friends. As much as I complain, I do enjoy it. When I went back to school and quit working at the law firm, Ryan helped get me a job with the summer camp he works at. Which is where I spend my summers now. He and I have kept in touch. His brother Justin came out for my junior recital and Ryan told me if he wasn’t in Colorado he would have been there too. He calls every so often to catch up and just talk. The people who know us both have suggested he and I date. Or else suggested that he likes me and vice versa. In all honesty, the timing has never been right. We dated other people in high school and since then geography has been against us. But there’s always been a little bit of chemistry between us. Neither of us have acted on it, but that doesn’t make it go away. I also don’t want to just casually date him. He’s too good of a friend to risk losing over dating gone wrong. I know, I know – no risk, no gain. And maybe someday we will give it a try. But not now, while he’s halfway across the country and I have no idea where I’ll end up. We’ve also never talked about it. Its just never happened. But I do remember the night he left for Colorado. I had gone over to his house to watch some MST3K with some friends. I was the last to leave. We were all standing outside on the front step, chatting and prolonging the goodbye. But eventually the last of them left and Justin went inside, leaving me and Ryan alone on the porch. We talked for a few mins, although I can’t recall excatly what was said. When we hugged, he didn’t let go like he usually does. And even when I pulled back, he kept his arms around my waist and I kept my hands behind his neck. I almost kissed him, and I have a feeling he almost kissed me too. But we didn’t. We pulled apart and I left. But there’s something there. There’s always been something there. I’m looking at the school in Colorado not only because I like the professors, but because he’s out there too. I’m not going to base my entire decision on him, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor. Its not a major factor yet really. I still have to audition everywhere and see which school will actually take me and then give me an assistantship and money. So it may never come to anything. But it might. Just have to wait and see.

The scary thing about that dream is that when he whispered that in my ear, my reaction was to agree and be his. When the cold woke me up, it took me a while to figure out why he wasn’t there with me. I wanted to be his and belong to him and be with him. It took me some time to sort out reality from the dream. Should I read anything into all this?

Pay close attention
Don’t listen to me from now
George’ll be flying this one
And it’s anyone’s guess how he does this
Is theright turn wrong
Universe taking me in full bloom
Fireball careful with that there
See what you made me do

I must be dreaming
Or we’re onto something
I must be dreaming
For I don’t fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I’m losing it so completely

Incendiary glance
Be come and collide in me
Zoom in enhance hold
While I go helplessly sky high
Magic eye sugar rushing don’t stop

I must be dreaming
Or we’re onto something
Hey just watcha make me
For I don’t fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I’m losing it so completely

Euphoria I can’t take any more of
Yah I’m losing it

Must Be Dreaming ~ Frou Frou