so touch me or don’t
I did it. I asked for help, back on the meds and am beginning to put my life back together. There are a few things I need to start accepting and dealing with. Evidently I’m a perfectionist. Which when I start to think about it, I guess is true. If things aren’t perfect, or have no chance to be perfect I tend to give up and stop caring. My father always expected better of me. "Dad, look I got an A on my paper." "Why didn’t you get an A+?" "Dad, look. I got a 99 on my timed math test." "Why not 100?" It was never good enough. There is a good side to always striving forward. Always striving to improve and never be satisfied with the average. But sometimes my best is not The Best. And that’s okay. Or at least its supposed to be.
The other problem I need to accept is that I have severe social anxiety. I have curtains on all my windows because people might see me. I can’t go outside because they might see me. Its absolutely insane when I say it out loud, but thats exactly how I feel. I can’t talk on the phone because people might hear me. Big deal!? Well, for me it is. I don’t know what they will think or do or say, but I just can’t. I shake and lose control. But it rarely happens when I’m already out in public. I can pretend enough to make it through. Every once in a while I have these episodes when I’m Outside, but very rarely. It happened this weekend. I didn’t want to go outside, but it was Saturday’s trip to Cleveland. Sarah and her boy were meeting with me and James. We were doing dinner then the concert. Mendelssohn, Strauss and some world premiere piece. I was freaking out a little bit before leaving the apartment, but the car ride there was fine. James has been sick for the past few weeks with a persistent cold, so he ended up sleeping in the car and I listened to my book on CD. By the time we got to Cleveland, I was feeling better. We got the tickets and waited for Sarah and Nathan. They picked us up and we went to dinner at our usual bar. I was doing okay, but still a little on edge. I knew this already, so I was able to stay on top of it. Until we headed back to the concert hall. In the car I started freaking out. I typed a message to James on my phone so Sarah and Nathan wouldn’t see it. That I was in a bad mood and couldn’t seem to shake it and I felt bad about being in a bad mood. He was great and didn’t say anything then. Once in the concert hall, I was so unnerved I was shaking. I don’t know if anyone saw it and I tried to hid it. But James was great. He kept… well, "poking me with a stick" so to speak. Keeping my focus on him and trying to keep a smile on my face. I was starting to really lose it, but he kept me grounded until the concert started. Once that baton drops, I’m fine. Everything else somehow melts away and I’m okay. The symphony was first, so I had plenty of time to relax. And then I was okay.
I need to remember to tell James how great he can be. Without turning to sappy or looking like I’m trying to pick him up or something. **sigh** These are the reasons I’m going to miss him so much when I leave. No one else does that for me. Even Manny was never able to do that. Throw himself in front of my rage to save the rest of the world. Manny tried, but never really succeeded. He just made things worse. James… I don’t know, he sacrifices himself to the anger in my head. Pokes the bear with a stick in a way that keeps me laughing and focused on him rather than my fears. And this is not the first time either.
When I disappear, do you fear for the sister I took?
When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good
I am drearily bloodletting this bedwetting cosmonaut
"Son, the last thing you’ll realize you need is what you’ve already got"
So touch me or don’t
Just let me know
Where you’ve been
Please drop me a line with a hook and some raw bleeding bait
(one, two, three, four)
For I am uncaught and still swimming alone in the lake
(five, six, seven, eight)
Shimmering under a moon made in anger and haste
Shimmering like a penny out of reach in the subway grating
(Shimmering like a coin kept safe away, you never give in to anything)
So touch me or don’t
Just let me know
Where you’ve been
We could leave it alone,
I’m sure there’s someone who knows
Where you’ve been
You could never work well with our group
Not with the faults we found
So we’ve fixed you with cement galoshes
And no one can save you now
Unless you have friends among fish
There’ll still be no air to breathe
You could drink up the entire ocean
We’ll still find someone to be everything we know that you’ll never be
So touch me or don’t
Just let me know
Where you’ve been
Or we could leave it alone
I’m sure there’s someone who knows
Where you’ve been
Luca ~ Brand New