so sleep now, so deep in static

So I figured it was time to update this damn thing. So much has happened and I do want to get it all down for posterity and for all my adoring fans. :=p

I left off being really sick and Mike calling about his brother. I didn’t know what to do for him, so I was going to offer to come home. We didn’t connect to talk about it and so I didn’t go home. (That’s the short version!) I did have things to do, so I decided to go on with my life and just do it. Friday night (St. Patty’s Day) I was going to go to bed early, but ended up playing computer games until Jenn and drunken Mitch came home and made me look at the clock. I went to bed around 1am and didn’t wake up until almost noon. I had wanted to be on the road by noon, but oh well. Jenn and I joined Mel and Chase for one of the most uncomfortable breakfasts ever. Mel and Chase had this huge blow-up the night before and things were still somewhat fresh. Jenn had said she didn’t want to bring it up unless they did, but she kept making sly comments about the night before. Whatever. It wasn’t a bad breakfast, just uncomfortable. I didn’t leave for Cleveland until almost 2:30 which was cutting it close. Its about 2 hour drive there and Tim closes shop at 5pm. Traffic was a nightmare, but I made it just before he closed up. So I have my oboe back and she’s better. I had decided I didn’t really want to return to campus that night, so I made plans to spend Saturday night with my uncle Kevin. But I stopped in a train spot in Berea for a few hours. I ended up not getting to Kevin’s until almost 9 o’clock. He had some friends over and they were wine-tasting in the basement. Kevin and Cindy make their own wine and even Shane had tried his hand at some. It was really good and it was really wonderful to be around people who were laughing and pretty much drama-free. Kevin and Cindy were going on a bus trip the next morning and had to leave early in the morning. They offered to let me sleep in and just lock the door behind me, but I was planning on being back at school around 5 o’clock. There is another great train spot about 45 mins west of where my uncle lives. Its a town called Fostoria. The only thing that puts Fostoria on the map is the double diamond it has. Two tracks cross two other tracks and there is a lot of train action on those lines every day of the week. If you are a railfan, you’ve heard of Fostoria.

RAILFAN?? What the hell is she talking about? Its something I’ve picked up from my father, who picked it up from his father. My dad and his brother love watching trains and chasing them around the country. The country? Yes. They have chased a train from Iowa to Chicago once, taking different shots at different crossings and such. I’m not as intense as them, or as others are, but I do enjoy sitting on the River and watching the trains go up and down. The freight is more appealing to me since Amtrak runs about every hour and Metro North every 30 minutes or so. My father and I have taken vacations purely to watch trains. We’ve been to parts of PA and even OH just to see different trains and take pictures. We’ve also done from railfanning (yes that’s what its called) in Scotland and just about every other place we’ve gone. My dad has a scanner which allows him to pick the chatter between dispatchers and engineers. This clues us into when a train is coming and such. I couldn’t go to Cleveland and not go to Berea, just as I couldn’t go to Clyde and not go to Fostoria. It’s like going to Disney World and not seeing Mickey. I mean, why go to Disney World without seeing Mickey? Well, that’s the best explaination I can give.

So I was going to spend a couple hours in Fostoria and then head back to school. I didn’t have a scanner so I was going to park by the Amtrak Depot and just wait. I had my camera and schoolwork to do. (One more side note: How far did I drive? Well the big cities would be Buffalo to Cleveland to Toledo and back in a matter of 2 days and one night. And it wasn’t quite 36 hours that I was gone.) But remember Kevin and his bus trip? They had to meet the bus at 8am, but beforehand they were going to a pancake breakfast at a local firehouse that was raising money to support a local girl with luekemia. If you’ve never had a meal at a firehouse, you haven’t lived. I’ve been to various fishfrys and pancake breakfasts at various firehouses over the years. They were all at volunteer houses and supported either the company or a local cause. Now perhaps, as a female, I get more out of it than a guy would, but the food is always really good. Firemen can cook. And they look really cute flipping pancakes and making eggs. So Kevin woke me up around 6am with the help of their two dogs. It almost made me cry when Bear came and just planted himself in my lap. He’s not as big as Chevy, but it brought back a lot of memories. So I was actually awake and out the door by 6:30 in the morning on a Sunday. I don’t remember the last time I saw 6:30 on a Sunday!. I called my mom so she and my dad would believe I was actually awake. The breakfast was good, the coffee was amazing and the firefighters…..well, let’s just say I had a good morning.

I got to Fostoria around 8:30 in the morning and settled down for some train watching. I saw some other rail fans, which is not usually standing farther down the line. They clearly had scanners and were way more advanced than my little OH map and Kodak digital point-and-click. But I walked down in hopes of being able to listen in on their scanners. One of them came over and introduced himself and the others. His name was Scott and he is probably about the age of my father. He was there with his son and the rest of the people. They had driven down from MI for a day of railfanning. There was some chatter on the scanner and they all jumped in their cars and went off to another spot saying they’d be back later. I waved and sat in my car doing the only homework I got done all day. They came back eventually and I wandered over to talk to them again. They were amazed, first that I was a girl who loved trains and second that I had driven from NY all the way to Fostoria just to see trains. I think the second cleared away any doubt in their mind that I was a true railfan. I was going to leave at noon. I really was supposed to be back at a rehearsal. But they all convinced me to call out. I decided not to call until closer to the rehearsal time and claim I was stuck in traffic. But I was going to leave soon after that. I called Melissa and it turned out that she was in Ithaca and they had cancelled rehearsal anyways. It kind of annoyed me that no one had bothered to call me and let me know they had cancelled the rehearsal. I probably would have been more pissed off if I was actually on my way back to campus. As it was, I was still in Fostoria and only slightly miffed. I didn’t know how long it would take for me to get back considering I had taken a long-round about way to get there in the first place. I was figuring more than 4 hours but less than 5 hours. I was going to leave around 5pm, but then our group scattered for pictures of another train and I didn’t want to take off without saying goodbye. To end this long story – I didn’t leave until 7pm, 7 hours later than I was planning on staying.

Now for these amazing people – There was one other woman, Jo, in the group, but she “married into” the railfanning frenzy. Her husband, Matt, is an engineer for CSX. They are the most easy-going, down-to-earth people I’ve ever met. As far as I can tell, they’ve been sweethearts forever and got married young. She’s only 24 and they have a daughter who is around 4 or 5 years old. I ended up riding around in the front seat of their van most of the day, talking with Jo and keeping warm. Did I mention it was cold, windy and sunny? Matt is this big lush, who reminds me of a teddy bear with a deep voice. Then there was Scott, or Scooter, the older man who I had met first. His son was Nate and they are extreme railfans. They are the nicest guys. Mike has a nice ass and Jo and I spent a lot of the day just gazing at his beautiful butt. He is easily the sanest of the bunch. Then there’s Dane who I’ve nicknamed my pocket comic. The sweetest of guys with a great disposition and adorable smile. I want to pick him and keep him in my pocket. Then I can take him out and say “Entertain me” whenever I’m down and he will. He could always make me laugh. There was also Pat C, who they called Capn’ Caps. These guys are all from Michigan except Jo and Matt who live in Toledo. They know each other from an online railfanning forum. Capn’ Caps always posts things in all capital letters, hence the nickname. He bought all of us lunch at Pizza Hut. Very strange man, but extremely sweet and amusing. Gregg is 16 and autistic, the youngest of the bunch and very smart. His father had driven him down to meet everyone in Fostoria. There was also the elusive Mr. Tops, aka Bob. They had never met him and he hates pictures of himself. He takes beautiful pictures and is just as funny as the rest. These guys had planned this trip to Fostoria in honor of Patrick’s (the last of the bunch) 24th birthday which was earlier that week. By noon Patrick had a crush on me and everyone knew it. Jo told me that she’d never seen Patrick act this way around a girl and was clearly showing off. He was sweet and adorable. He kept asking to see my pictures and was really nice. He made a few comments about “not messing with my woman.” A part of me wanted to smack him and be like “I’m not your woman!” Another part wanted to smack him and say “I’m not anyone’s woman.” But I just smiled and let him do his thing. It was nice to be adored for a day. After all the drama and stress of the past few weeks, it was amazingly wonderful to be around these people. They were not music majors, nor did they go to college with me. They didn’t know about Mike and his brother, nor about my grandfather. They made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. I had almost forgot what that felt like. My procrastination about leaving was mostly due to those wonderful guys who just accepted me into their group. We are trying to plan another trip to Fostoria before school ends for me. They also insisted I join the forum website and post my pictures although I believe they all put me to shame. Other people on the site who didn’t make the trip were all amazed I was female and had driven to Fostoria just for the trains. I’ve risen to a certian status among them. I feel accepted and love and they are now my boys. I forgot what male companionship can feel like, and how much it really means to me. It’s probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

When I finally did get home, Jenn was planning on calling me to see where I was. I had told her I’d be back around 5 or so, and it wasn’t until 11:30 that I walked in the door. I was tired, but so happy. She could tell I had a good time and how much the trip had meant to me. She (and my other college friends) may not get the railfanning thing, but they were all happy to see me so happy. That trip helped me make it through the last week of classes before Spring Break. Mona and I left Fredonia around 6:30 on Thursday. I know it would be impossibly late when I got home, but I just couldn’t stay on campus any longer. The trip was fine and it was really nice to have someone else in the car with me, even if we didn’t talk to entire way home. Just having someone else in the car gave me some peace of mind. I got home around 1:30 in the morning. My dad was dozing on the couch, in an attempt to stay awake till I got home. It was sweet. As tired as I was Thursday night, it was wonderful to wake up in my parents’ house and know I didn’t have a long drive ahead of me.

Did I mention the drama about my grandfather? Well, he’s sick. He had an anyuresm in his leg about four weeks ago which they had to operate on. It took a few days before he woke up from the surgery and was very disoriented. Things have kind of gone downhill from there. He doesn’t want to eat and he’s frustrated with how limited he is. He can’t do some of the simplest things on his own and his mind has been affected from the medication. Its been a strain on the whole family. He has good days and bad days and worse days and better days. They way I understand it, this is how things are going to be for the next 6 months or so. When this all happened a month ago, I asked my parents if they wanted to go to Florida while I was home for Spring Break. They were pretty sure we wouldn’t go down. So I started to make plans with Mona and Jenn to go to the cabin for a day or two. Just to take a real vacation and hang out, even have some home friends come with us if possible. So on Monday before Spring Break, my father called with the offer of going to FL if I wanted. He wasn’t sure if he really was going to even go himself. I asked if I could think about it and he seemed fine with me going or not. So the next day, I told him I didn’t really want to go because I wanted to have a Spring Break. Yes, I am probably the only college student in America who doesn’t want to go to Florida on her Spring Break. Aside from all the horny college kids, I don’t like the beach. Even if I just walk down the beach in bare feet, I end up with sand in my ass and down my shirt. How the hell do you get sand in your ass from WAlKING DOWN A BEACH? I don’t like Florida. I didn’t want to go. But on the other hand, I know he’s not doing well and I do want to be able to see him one more time before he dies, which seems like it will be soon. But on the other hand, I had made plans. After checking multiple times with my parents about the possibility of our going to FL. So I initially said no. Tuesday morning I got a nasty email from my father that included the line “The cabin will always be there. Your friends will be there. Your grandfather will not. Think about where your priorities are.” So I spent most of the day Tuesday in tears. He could have just said “We’re going down as a family” or “I’d really like you to come.” But he left the decision in my hands with the impression that he didn’t care if I went or not. I told my mom he was being an ass and she said she knew, but his dad was dying. He had kind of done the same thing to her, so she understood why I was so upset. I also don’t always get along with my paternal grandmother and spending 3 days stuck with her and my parents is going to be a strain to say the least. I was also mad because I didn’t want to go to FL feeling like I was being forced because its a shitty reason to go and its a shitty feeling to have. I’m not feeling forced anymore, although there is a part of me that feels like my Spring Break is getting cut short. Dad agreed that we can do some railfanning (and I don’t have to go to the beach), so now I’m a little more excited about going. My grandfather is dying and its painful to read my grandmother’s emails about it. He doesn’t want to eat and he’s refusing to have feeding tubes because he feels like its life-support. He has also said (on his bad days) that if this is how its going to be, he doesn’t want to live. I undertand that. Selfishly I don’t want him to die cause I don’t want to lose him. Selflessly, I don’t want him to suffer anymore. Its very hard either way. At least with my mom’s dad, he went relatively quick and painlessly. There was no dragging everything out. So that just sucks. We’re leaving Thursday before the butt crack of dawn and will be home Saturday night. I’ll probably go to church on Sunday and then leave for school right away. So all my partying and visiting has to be done before then.

Speaking of visiting – Mike. The saga has ended. I texted him on Friday morning to let him know I was home and he asked if he could come up and spend the night. I, of course, said yes. I was having a few friends over on Friday night, but whatever. I past the point of planning my life around when he might or might not show up a long time ago. He called later that day to tell me his uncle wanted him to work doing demolition in Manhattan that night until 2am. He wanted to know if he could still come up and spend the night. He didn’t want to stay at his grandmother’s because his father was making him nuts and he can’t stand his mother. He just needed to get away from his family and all the stuff about his brother. I told him it was fine. If I went to bed before he got there I’d leave the door open for him. Nitta, Ian and Eric were the only ones who ended up coming over on Friday but we had a really good time. Well, Ian maybe didn’t. He and Nitta are at a breaking point, but she’s scared and they aren’t breaking up yet. He’s being an asshole and she’s putting up with it. I totally understand what she’s going through, but I just don’t know how to help her. Besides getting her drunk and making her laugh. Which we did plenty of. I was wonderful just to be around them and relax. There is a certain level of comfort being around people you’ve known for so long. It was a nice welcome home “party.” Eric ended up drinking too much and spending the night. I don’t know if it was just me, but I feel sparks between him and I. They aren’t fireworks, or anything capable of starting a fire, but they are still there. He and I are so different, I really don’t know if it would work out in the end, but still….sparks. I really like him but Mike was coming over that night, so I obviously didn’t pursue anything. Nitta eventually left with Ian and Eric and I sat up for probably another hour and a half talking and looking at pictures. A part of me really thinks if Mike wasn’t on his way over (Eric knew this too) that he might have tried to kiss me and god only knows where that might have gone. Things are always…..interesting. Mike called at some point and said he lost his wallet. He had to find it before coming up, but that would make it even later and he wanted to make sure it was ok. Course it was. I haven’t been laid in how long? Course he was welcome! So Eric went to bed and I sat up making reeds and waiting for Mike.

I was wondering if he had gotten any since his brother died. There’s something about death that makes people want to do something that makes them feel so alive (sex being a great example.) Not that death makes people horny, but….ahhh you know what I mean. If Friday night was any indication, Mike had not gotten any. It was hot and heavy and needing and just mind-blowing. Somewhat painful, too. I had to ask him to stop a few times. We were going at it for almost 2 hours when I started to get worried my parents would wake up and hear us or find us. So I sent him off to bed. Sometimes he’s more of a girl than I am, cause he was whining that he wanted me to come snuggle with him. Now I sleep in a queen size bed and he was sleeping on the twin bed. So we crammed together on his bed with every intention of my leaving in a few minutes. Well, evidently when you stay up all night and then have some mind-blowing sex, you fall asleep a lot quicker. My parents found us together, and though we were both dressed my mom asked me about it. I told her nothing was happening and she believed me. I think she and my dad are chalking it up to Mike being upset about his brother and my attempt to comfort him. Cause the next night I feel asleep in his bed again (after more mind-blowing sex in mine) and my mom just woke me up in the morning. It still made me upset to have to lie to my parents. They would not be cool if they found out what really happened. So, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Saturday I had some thing to do with my dad, so I left Mike sleeping for most of the day. Granted I had bene up as late as he, but he had been doing heavy labor while I was sitting around drinking. We had some family friends over for lunch and Mike woke up then and came out to eat with everyone. Only my parents and I knew about what happened with his brother and I think Mike was grateful to get away from people pestering him about it and about how he felt. I had told him the night before that I wouldn’t ask about it, but I was there if he needed to talk about it. He seemed relieved not to have to go through anymore talking. I know he’s seeing a counselor and I’d really rather he talk to a professional about his feelings and whatnot than me. So….people just talked to him like he was a normal guy. He told me he really had a good time just being normal for a while. He had some things to do in the afternoon and he wanted to hang out with his sister for a while, so he left for a while, but asked if he could come back. I still hadn’t gotten a chance to have “the talk” with him, and I knew I really needed to.

DeeDee came over for Saturday night dinner and she and I got a chance to update each other on most of the things going on in our lives. She also did get a chance to actually meet Mike, who she claims is HOT! His hair is long cause he feels like growing it out and combined with his new beard he looks like a mix between a salty sailor and a mad scientist. I kind of do like the beard and the longer hair, but not too much longer. Not that it matters anyways. We had a discussion Saturday night in bed. I asked him what we were doing and where were we going. He sidestepped a lot of my questions, which really upset me. He did me some things and I was able to say some things to him, but when he left to go skiing Sunday morning, he took the sheets off his bed and I still felt like nothing had been resolved. He told me that he did understand feelings were progressing and that I needed to do what I needed to do to take care of myself. I told him I was afraid of getting hurt again, cause he’d already hurt me once before. He said he knew that he did and that he never intended to hurt me. Well, jolly for him. I was not a very happy camper when he left Sunday morning cause I felt nothing was really resolved or better. I also knew I wasn’t going to see him again until August. He was flying to TX to get his car on Tuesday and wouldn’t be back until I had returned to school. Then he was going to Hawaii until August. I didn’t think I could wait until then to have everything resolved or at least something. Certain things bothered me. He never said that he cared about me in return. He seemed to give me the impression that he could care less if I walked away from him. Doesn’t that make me feel like a whore? Well, Sunday I was unhappy and bitchy for most of the day. I went to church and then came home and slept until 8pm. I got up to eat and went back to bed, still unhappy. I talked to Jenn and Megan about what was going on.

On a sidenote – Megan is coming to NY for a few days. Holly’s grandmother passed away, so she’s coming for the funeral. I’m picking her up tonight at the airport and she’s gonna spend the night with me. She’s also gonna borrow my car when I’m in Florida so she has a way to get around. Dad’s not to happy about that idea, but he said it was my choice. I’m so damned excited to see her. This is making my Spring Break absolutly amazing.

Monday, I was pretty much still miserable. I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning about my hand. The doc said that I have a small bulging disc in my neck which is causing some of my neck pain, but its too small to operate on. He said as long as that pain isn’t debilitating he sees no reason to operate and I agree with him. He said maybe someday if it starts growing, but not right now. The Topomax has also been taking care of the pain in my hand and he said “Why mess with a good thing?” I have nearly no side affects (some small weight loss – like that’s a bad thing) and he doesn’t see a need to operate. Which is what I wanted to hear. He wants to see me in August to just check in, but he seems to think if the Topomax takes care of the pain, I should just continue it. Maybe someday it will change, but for now it works. So that was good news. I went to my old law firm and said hi to everyone, but missed my dad who was at a closing. I ended up going across the river to watch trains. I needed pictures to post for my boys. I spent a few hours there enjoying the sun and just being in the Hudson Valley. I talked to Megan for a while too. It was good, but I was still miserable about the Mike issue. I had written him a letter (previous entry) which I considered sending him.

He called Monday night and after phone tag we were able to get on the phone. In the meantime, I had called Megan and Jenn, who still didn’t make me feel that much better. I finally called Manny, desperate for a guy’s perspective, a guy who knew me so well. And Manny called it like it was. What did I really expect out of a relationship with Mike? He would still be in the Merchant Marines and I’d still be in college. I wouldn’t see him anymore and nothing would really change. My girlfriends understand what would change, but Manny challenged that. Nothing would really change in the long run, because I know I’m not marrying Mike. We’d end up fighting and hating each other. I swear calling Manny was the best thing ever because he gave me the blunt truth the way only an ex-boyfriend can. He found the situation somewhat amusing – I called my ex-boyfriend who convinced me to break up with my current boyfriend. Which boiled down, that’s what it was. But its what needed to be done. So when Mike and I finally got on the phone I was able to end it. I got to say what I needed to say and even hear what I needed to hear. I flat out asked him if he cared for me at all and he said yes without hesitation. But we both knew (and admitted) that we were not destined to be together forever. We both knew this. He said that he enjoyed my companionship and he appreciated that we really never fought and that I never tried to stop him from going out on a ship. I told him I was frustrated and this had to end, because I cared too much. I cared more than I should for a relationship we both knew was going nowhere. It hurt me now, but I knew it would hurt more if we kept going. He was silent for a long time and I thought the call had been dropped. When I asked if he was still there, he said yes. He said that he didn’t like this because he did like spending time with me, but he understood and respected my decision. I cried and he asked why I was crying. I told him it was because I felt like we were breaking up except there was nothing to really break up considering we were never together. He said I could yell at him if I wanted to. I told him I didn’t want to because it wouldn’t make me feel better and it wouldn’t make him feel good and I wasn’t into doing things that helped no one and hurt everyone.

Considering how painful it was, I’m glad its done. I know it would only become more painful as time went by and I didn’t want that. And I know now that he really did (does) care about me. I told him that he still had a bed here when he needed it. He told me I had a place to stay in Texas if I was ever there. He wasn’t happy and I wasn’t happy, but we both know this was the best decision we could ever make. I think we will be able to remain friends on some level. I mean, he was my first and we did have a lot of fun together. We’ve been there for each other through a lot and he seriously was the best thing to happen to me when he did happen to me. I’ll never forget that.

But a chapter is closing and its painful. As right as the decision was, it was a painful decision. So now I’m just reminding myself to breath and seriously looking forward to getting back to school. I’m not sure anyone (besides Manny and Megan) will completely understand why I had to walk away from him. But this is really for the best. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so damn much.

Now that this is the longest entry I’ve ever written in my life, I’m going to end with this song. It kind of sums up how I feel and how I’ve been dealing with all of this.

Just be in love and I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes, I’ll still live as if I’m dying

If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything than it’s me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes and I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow

If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything then it’s me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now, so deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close to the fourwall headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

Here’s Everything I’ve Always Meant to Say ~ Jamisonparker