so much love clenched within our fists

Date:Monday, 10/22/2007Time:11:47 PMMood Level:DepressedSeverity:Severe (significant impairment, not able to work)Anxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:0=NoneHours Slept:2 hoursMedication:50mg Lamictal and two Tylenol PMs (1000 mg pain relief and 50 mg sleep aid)

Today I woke up, and didn’t care. I had a test in psychology. I went and took it. I only studied for a little while before class started. I didn’t care. I think I did pretty okay, but I really don’t care what I got. Just walking back to my car was a challenge. I wanted to run in front of the bus, or jump off the building, or lie down between the jack hammer and the concrete. I just didn’t care and I didn’t want to exist. It’s a different feeling from suicide. Its apathy, complete and deadly apathy. But I got to my car.

I saw Sarah walking on my drive home. She was heading to her car, so I gave her a lift. She could tell that I wasn’t doing well. She and I are both pretty good are pretending we care when we really don’t give a damn. So we easily identify it in each other. I went home and procrastinated most of the morning. I did eventually get down to work and make reeds. But I really didn’t care. I didn’t care if my recital crashed and burned. I just want it to be over with.

Sometime during the day, I started getting dizzy and weak. I took my temperature and found I was at 101.3 degrees. So I popped some aspirin and went to studio. My hands were shaking and I was sweating. I ended up canceling the freshman technique class, which they didn’t mind at all. I went home and laid down for a little while, but I didn’t sleep. I got up around seven and tried on my recital dress. I had dress rehearsal at eight and I wanted to wear my dress. Playing in the dress is different than playing without it and its good to practice. I discovered some good and bad news. The good news – I lost weight! The bad news – I lost weight! My dress doesn’t fit as perfectly as it did over the summer. The biggest problem is my boobs are smaller. They don’t fill the cups the right way. I tried stuffing socks in my bra, and it sort of worked, but it was pretty interesting. I called my mother and told her what happened. She cracked up. She suggested I go onto Victoria’s Secret and special order some things. She said she would return whatever I didn’t use. So I have to do that tomorrow. And find shoes. And break in new reeds. And clean my apartment. Anyways, I decided not to bring the dress to rehearsal. I’ll wear it on Thursday nights dress and see how it goes. Hopefully I’ll have a new bra by then.

Dress actually went really, really well. It wasn’t perfect. I need new reeds and I need to play every day until Saturday. But when I let go and just played, just enjoyed the music, it actually was kind of fun. Heather (Cool Oboe Girl) came and listened for balance and tuning. She said she could tell at the end I was getting tired, but otherwise, everything sounded great. I hated the reed I was using, but she said it sounded really good. I feel like I’m actually making progress again. I’m actually remembering how all this is supposed to work. So as much as I started out the day not caring, it ended pretty okay.

I’ve also talked with a bunch of people from the east side of the state who are coming out to see me and hear my recital. I’m really touched by those who are coming out to support me and see me. Those conversations and emails through out the day helped immensely. There is still one person I don’t know if he’s coming or not. Manny. He said he might not be able to due to work. Which I completely understand. I’m not his girlfriend and I don’t have the right to demand him out here, or throw a small temper tantrum if he doesn’t listen. Before today, I was really hoping he’d come. I wanted to see him. I wanted someone to be there for me. And then today, with everyone else saying they were coming, it doesn’t matter as much. I still want him there. But if he’s not, there will still be people there for me.

I’m still trying to get used to the idea that he’s not adoring me the way he used to. Its hard, when I’ve spent so much time being the object of his affection, his obsession. Even though it was at times annoying, there was a comfort in it. There is a comfort I feel with him that I don’t feel with other people. I don’t trust people easily. I’m realizing this as I look at my friends and how much they each know about me. Some of them can see right through all the bullshit. Some of them don’t even know its there. Some of them will drop everything in an instant to be there for me. Some of them don’t even know what that means. I protect myself, cause I’ve been burned too many times. If nothing else, I feel safe with him. In thirteen years, we won’t be Harry and Sally. We’ll be Julianna and Michael in My Best Friend’s Wedding. I have to let him go. You know, there are times when I’d give anything to fight with him; just to have him back. I need to move on. I need to let him go. Somehow…

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we’re just so stuck in this moment it’s clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we’re just being stupid
Maybe we’re just being dumb
Hey maybe it’s time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away…

Goodbye Waves and Driveways ~ The Rocket Summer