Slow Nervous Breakdowns

He’s having a slow nervous breakdown.  He never really dealt with his brother’s death.  He never really dealt with everything that happened in his childhood.  He ran away from everything and forced it all down.  Now its resurfacing and he’s trying to heal from all his past relationships.  While he’s out of work.

It breaks my heart to see him hurting.  I wish I could fast forward through all the pain for him and get him to the other side.  He knows that he’s got to go through this and he wants to go through this to get to the other side of it all, but all that doesn’t change the fact the it fucking sucks and it hurts and he feels like he’s having a slow nervous breakdown.

I’ve been there.  My car accident, my grandfather’s death which ties into all sorts of childhood issues – I went insane.  I went absolutely and completely insane.  I probably should have been checked into a padded cell.  I didn’t and I got through it and I know he will too.  But this has been a long time coming and he’s got a lot to work through.

Still it breaks my heart.  And he’s not ready for something new yet.  He knows he’s not ready.  Thing is, I am.  I’m ready.  I’m getting a lot better at saying and admitting everything I feel about him.  But he’s not ready.  And if he’s not ready, then really… I’m not ready.

I think I need to go back and look at our conversations again.  Because maybe I was looking for something that wasn’t there.  I just don’t know.

But

But

His seeming hesitation to flat out ask me to come home makes a lot more sense.  He doesn’t want to start something new before he’s been able to process what just ended.  And I understand that. I really do.  In the meantime, I need to bite my tongue and go to sleep.  I’ve dozed off too many times while writing this entry…