She remembers bridges and burns them to the ground

Time stops when the pain is this immense.
Looking up at the cold starry night,
I’ve felt more alone than I ever have before.
The magnitude and size of the universe
weighs heavily in your mind,
and you feel like the grain of sand you are,
in respect to this giant moving sphere.
I scratch my palms against the ragged stone,
praying the pain would bring me back to perspective,
wishing for something to make me feel more real.
When all I really want is to feel less alive.
Wishing the cigarette in my hand would really kill me.
I want to leave and run my car off the road.
There is a place not too far from here that would do nicely.
I’m fine, really. Completely and utterly
freaked-out, insecure, neurotic and emotional.
He says its normal.
I feel anything but normal.
My head is filled with
fear, self-loathing, pride, anger, happiness, pain
and every other emotion inbetween.
There are so many emotions tumbling about,
I can’t even feel confused.
I want to leave but where would I go?
I can’t go home, not now.
I have made my bed,
so now I have to lie in it.
And I am.
Wide awake, next to him,
I wonder if he could even begin
to understand what I am thinking.
With a silent scream, I realize he can’t.

Nothing makes sense now and my world,
which was already tipping on its toes,
is now in a free-fall around me.
I can’t sleep at night.
Tossing and turning, not quite awake but never quite asleep.
Sleep is just out of my reach and comes only in exhaustion.
But its not real sleep.
Its the coma sleep of a body
pushed too far too long.
Everything, thankfully, shuts down and turns off all the lights.
Hours pass in the mere blink of an eye.
But painfully, the awakening brings back
the dread and exhaustion of the previous hours.
Your body has recovered and can move again.
But your head is still spinning out of control.
Exhausted you may be,
but nothing lets you rest in peace.