she knows she’s part of the problem too
So today was graduation day and most everyone has now left town. I don’t really feel sad to see them all go. I’m not really sure though. Sarah came by to drop off her hamster (since I’m watching her for the week) and we ended up talking for about an hour. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I think she’s going to miss me more than I’ll miss her. I don’t want to move back to my parent’s house permanently, but I am looking forward to my summer job and the seven weeks I’ll spend there. Sarah doesn’t really want to go home, except that she doesn’t want her dad to be alone. If she could put him in a cage and keep him in her living room (like her hamster) I seriously think she would. Anyways, I love the girl and I will miss her. But I have this feeling she will miss me more. I wasn’t nearly as upset to see her leave as she was to go. There wasn’t crying, but there was always something else she wanted to add. Another story or reminder or something. I let her stay as long as she wanted, but it just made me think. Another friend, Laura, dropped off the vacuum she borrowed from me and seemed a little misty-eyed about leaving. Maybe it’s because I’m not leaving either. I’m still here for another month. So it doesn’t feel like the end to me.
But something else occurred to me as I was talking to Manny the other day. Newfie somehow got behind the facade, or at least incredibly further than anyone else out here has ever gotten. I really never thought I’d find someone like that at college. The age difference does really make an impact on relationships. I didn’t expect to make any lifelong friends here at school. Newfie has incredibly potential for that, although the ball is in his court on that. Sarah also has potential for that, along with Mouse and Kelly. But I just don’t know about any of them yet. I know its a little bit cynical, but I think about all the friends I had in high school. All those people that I thought I would always talk to – and I don’t talk to most of them anymore. There are a select few, Manny and Settle being among them. Even Bubba and Juice know me better than any of the people I’ve met here at college.
I know its not fair making comparisons. I’ve known those boys for a decade or more. I don’t need to explain my history, because they lived through it with me. Its the best thing about old friends. They understand references from junior high, not because they’ve heard the story. But because they actually lived it with you. There’s nothing in the world like old friends. They are comfortable and warm and safe. Especially Manny, Brian and Bubba. They aren’t going to abandon or forget me. Why am I so sure of that, when I’m so distrusting of Sarah and Newfie? Well, I think over a decade of not running away has made me finally accept the fact they are here to stay.
It makes me feel like a bad friend, for not trusting Sarah and Newfie. But I just don’t know whats going to happen. And I have a bad track record with people who I open up that much to. With those people that I trust so implictly. They leave me, but in the process of leaving they hurt and destroy me. “I’ll always love you.” “I’ll never leave you.” “I’m not going to turn away from you.” “I’m always going to be here for you.” “I’m going to love you forever.” All words spoken to me, which I didn’t believe to begin with. But the speakers were persistent and I believed. And I was crushed. Words are cheap. Actions speak volumes. Time removes all doubt.
Am I cynical? Yes. Am I cold? Yes. Am I bitchy? Oh, yeah. Is it all because I’m just trying to protect myself? Of course. I’m standing here watching the brick walls being erected around me. I’m watching my defense mechanisms kick in and the pain being surpressed, managed. But this is how I have to do this right now. I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m being pro-active. Least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
She greets the day with her hair wet
She asks them to vacate the building
Because she’s got a plan they don’t know yet
And if it goes wrong, there’ll be no one to see
Do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do
If she could just get the word out
God knows she’s trying
They’re watching her with eyes closed
She’s always stuck with the old route
Does anyone knock when they barge in to beat her down?
Will you come back?
It’s all she wants to know
She knows she’s part of the problem too
Could she let it go?
It’d take a miracle
So that’s what I’m praying for
No one can know just how she feels
She won’t use the phone, she’s too tired to pick it up
She’s going back to the old way
She sits in the classroom to learn with the others
Do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do
Do do
Please don’t give up when it’s easy
Don’t you know that me and Jesus will cheer you on?
He’s the only one that will be constantly everything you need
Will you come back?
It’s all she wants to know
She knows she’s part of the problem too
Could she let it go?
It’d take a miracle
So that’s what I’m praying for
Yeah
She lives on Tisbury Lane
She lives on Tisbury Lane
Tisbury Lane ~ Mae