she crys as he sinks into the sea

DISCLAIMER
I know Heather will be able to read this. And thats ok. Its sometimes easier for me to get things out in writing than saying things aloud. So if she reads this, ok. And if she doesn’t that’s ok too. It’s called life.

So the world is slowly spinning around me as I move at a supersonic speed. Or rather thats how I feel. Heather’s brother immed me and told me she was home. My first reaction was that’s nice. She doesn’t want to talk to me, so why did I still care so much. Then she came on and we talked about needing to go somewhere and talking. I really miss her so much and the talk was way less stressful than I figured it would be. But I’m still hurting and I think she is too. The sad part is, I’m not even sure why I’m really hurting anymore. I just know when I think of her something in me gets tight and I can’t breathe. And when I look at her, I think I see the same guarded feeling that I’m dealing with. She was one of the few people I had never ever questioned if she cared about me or not. I think that list of people consists of like 2 people. Well, now only one. Even when I’m in weird moods and questioning Manny and Brian, I never thought she didn’t care. And now somehow that changed. Everyone else tells me that she really does care about me, but I don’t want all these outside people getting involved like that. And now I have this nagging feeling in my gut that she isn’t quite ready to care about me and be friends yet. She seems to hesitate when I ask if we can be friends again. And that hesitation makes me believe there is still something between us. And I’m not sure what it is.

Unfortunately, I think she and I had the kind of friendship that either deepens and continues after a fight, or has to end. I’m not so sure I can be just casual friends with her. I’m not sure I can stand that pain when I go over to her house. And now that I realize she thought I was putting her on the same level of her family, I’m not sure where the line is. I don’t want to cross it and make her feel that way again. I feel like I’m waking on eggshells. But sometimes I don’t mind taking Trevor to the Flea Market. Especially when she is not home. It makes me feel closer to her. But then maybe that makes her feel like I don’t care about her. And so I’ve been avoiding Casey and Trevor and not going to her house. Because I didn’t realize I made her feel like that. But now I don’t know what will bother her and what won’t. And that is highly frustrating.

Ok, Allyn came and bothered me so my line of thought is off. I want to add one more thing though. As frustrating as all this is right now. I want to do this and go through all of this because I do want to be friends again. I don’t want to take the easy way out. There is happiness in my life thought. Mommy and I got cell phones yesterday, so I’m really happy now. My phone is so pretty and cute, I love it. And it ends up being cheaper than I thought it would be since she and I got a shared plan. Daddy wasn’t excatly happy per say, but he had told us we could get phones so its really kinda his own fault. Anyways, I’m happy and he can deal.

Work calls, ugh. But least I have good music.
I LOVE THURSDAY!