she came out west to find the sun
I was on my way to the Oratorio dress rehearsal, and on my way I passed an accident. It must have just happened because there were no emergency vehicles there yet, and people were still standing around on their cell phones. Once I slowed down and figured out what lanes were blocked, I moved over and slowly passed by. The car in front of me did pull over and the driver got out. I considered stopping too, but there were tons of other cars that were clearly not in the accident, but had stopped and were waiting for the police. I don’t have any EMT or first-aid training and I didn’t see the accident, so I decided my stopping would only clog up the intersection more. But as I passed by I looked over to try and see what had happened. I still don’t really know, but I saw a large SUV was on its side in the grassy median. The windshield was gone, but from under the side of the car I could see a pair of legs twisted unnaturally and not moving. I think there were some people crouched around and by the vehicle, but I didn’t get that good of a look. What I could see clearly is that it was a very bad accident. Quite possibly fatalities. I’ve seen a few accidents, and heard about even more between my father and my friend, Nathan, both firefighters. Enough to know when a scene might produce fatalities. This was one of those scenes. There’s nothing yet on the news, and I have no idea if they’ll even report on it if there weren’t any deaths. But the image of those legs haunted me as I started rehearsal.
This concert’s theme is "Gloria in Excelsis Deo." The first piece we played was Vivaldi’s Gloria. The words and music are joyful. Glory to God in the highest. But all I kept seeing were those legs. I prayed that those involved in the accident would be alright; that those responding to the accident would work quickly and safely; and that those who saw the accident would be able to help – with words or deeds. But it took me a while to calm myself down. I feel like I’m out of practice with that stuff. I used to be able to handle it so much better. But I’m not friends with the local FD or listen to a scanner on a regular basis like I once did.
It seems lately though that everything is making me cry or upsetting me. That choir rehearsal nearly made me lose my mind last week. But the Good Friday service was wonderful, and I nearly lost it a few times during the service. Again on Easter morning, I almost started crying during the choir anthem. Crying and conducting is not a good combination! My mother suggested that it might be that time of the month, but this is now been going on over a week! I should have my period or be done with it by now!
I feel raw and vulnerable; like glass that is going to shatter at any moment. Earlier this week I was over the moon ecstatic about the Brahms rehearsal and… I don’t remember what else. But I was… vibrating. Like a violin string stretched so tight the slightest of breezes sets its singing at a pitch so high. Thats what I feel like now again. Not tired and worn-out, although I am exhausted. Not like butter scraped over too little bread. But… like the violin string. Thats the closest I can come to an explanation right now. Or like a crystal glass that is set vibrating from high pitches, on the verge of shattering. Like I can’t contain myself.
I really should call the doctor and get myself straightened out because this is not going to end well in the end. I’m going to snap, or shatter, and break down. I just really need this high to last until my audition. I need to make it to there. Then I can break down a little.
She came out west to find the sun
She lost her name but found a new one
Amy goes to school all day
But at night in the neighborhood they call her Amphetamine
She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she used to be happy with the girl inside
She looks so bored sometimes
And she has that super pale skin and those soft green eyes
She looks like she could have been happy in a better life
She came out west just to break away clean
From her family and her friends and a little girl’s dream
All she wants to do every night
Is to sit beside my window and listen to the sirens
She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
And she looks like she should have been happy in another life
In another life
She came out west just to break the spell
After three long years in a marriage from hell
Six months clean living sober and right
Her doctors tell her everything will be alright
Yeah, you just take your pill
And everything will be alright
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like a magazine girl
She looks like a teenage anthem
Like she used to be happy in another world
She looks like a teenage anthem
She is happy with the girl inside
She looks like a teenage anthem
And looks like she could have been happy in another life
In another life
Happy in another life
Met her at a party and I took her home
She is the saddest girl that I have ever known
She wakes up in the middle of the night
Just to tell me everything will be alright
Amy smiles at me and tells me everything will be alright
I tell myself the same damn thing
Everyday
Everything will be alright
Amphetamine ~ Everclear