Secrets

So this week is shit. Just basically shit. And I havne’t told anyone all of this. Only Brian is about a 5 second span of time. My uncle Ken had a stroke. And he’s having problems talking and walking. But he is getting better. Just a little reminder that we are mortal and we should not push ourselves. He is younger than my mom. And he is not realizing that he needs to slow down because of this stroke. He is itching to get back to work. I don’t know how soon he will go back, but hes planning like next week sometime. My aunt Judy is having heart problems again. They don’t know what is wrong ith her yet and its really scary considering shes only turning 40 this year. She and her husband are in Arizona on their yearly vacation now and shes doing ok. My uncle Geoff is still bouncing around his medications. They haven’t found a good balance of what he should be taking. So hes on this and hes on that and hes doing good today horrible tomorrow. His life is a huge rollercoaster. My grandfather is back in the hospital. He did have a heart attack and now they are sorting out all the clots he has, in his legs in his back near his heart. He’s over 70 and getting older by the minute. My mom is the only one in her family who hasn’t made a recent trip to the doctor or hospital. Because of that she sees herself as the one to go. She said something really scary the other day that made me cry. She is preparing herself for her dad to die. I know when it does happen it will be tough because he is her dad. But he is MY grandfather. And he is so cool and amazing. i don’t want him to die and I’m not ready for him to die. When she mentioned that we might have to go down to Florida for his funeral I started crying. It would be really hard to take that right now. Especially with everything else that is happening. I don’t think I would deal with it very well. And I seriously think my grandmother would fall apart and literally follow him to the grave. She isn’t strong enough to live on her own and by herself. I could even see her ending up coming to live with us. Which would be ok I guess, but way too stressful on my family. Shes really harmless (unlike my other grandma) but she would make my whole family go nuts. I don’t know. Its just too crazy right now.

And then Mcn had his hearing yesterday ir rather Friday. And I would have gone. I really would have. Because I need to go. But I couldn’t because no one bothered to tell me. Ali, my supposed best friend didn’t tell me or Heather. And that pisses me off. I needed to go and have some type of closure. I needed to see him one more time. But I couldn’t. Well, April 11 I will go. I don’t care what I tell my parents or if I tell them. I am going. And I will take anyone with me who wants to go. Well, almost anyone. But I am seriously going to go. No questions about it. I’m telling my boss now I’m not working and I’m stealing Mommy’s car I don’t care what she has to do.

Oh and I found out why Ali won’t talk to me or Heather. Or sort of why. Shes mad at us because we are friends. How that makes any sense, I don’t know. I guess she doesn’t like her two friends being friends, she would rather we be enemies. How this makes any sense I don’t know but it pisses me off. And yes I’m very sorry, but I partly blame her right now. I would have thought she knew better than to sleep with him. I knew that there was something going on between the two of them, but I didn’t know excatly how far it went. Ali never told me how far it went. And when I did know, he was already gone. It really makes me mad. First she didn’t trust me to tell me the whole truth. She just told me bits and pieces of it. And now shes saying that somehow I am a bitch. Whatever. I really don’t care anymore. I’m not going to but that much effort into a relationship where the other person won’t talk to me. Its a sign of disrespect. And I won’t deal with it. Not right now. Not with everything else.

There are three people right now that I trust completly. Heather, John and Brian. They have never broken my trust. Heather has pissed me off once or twice, but we’re girls, its what we do. John has always been there for me. And for the most part so has Brian. I mean, Brian has his own life and his own really hard work to do, and I can’t always get a hold of him. Like today. But he came up and talked to me anyways because he knew I needed to. But I also could hear in his voice how stressed and tired he was and I didn’t want to put everything on him at once. But just hearing his voice again really calms me and settles me. Hee hee, Settle settles me. Ha thats funny. And his roomate said something funny today too. I called up and was like “Is Brian there? Its Kate.” And Doug was like, “No but I can go get him if you want.” Me: “Oh would you do that for me?” Doug: “I would love to do that for you. Hold on a sec.” He puts down the phone and i hear in the background this little talking, something about who is it and Doug saying something about it being brian’s girl…friend or friend girl. There was laughing and music in the background as well so I didn’t catch it all, but it was still funny and sweet. And I really like Doug. He is so nice whenever I talk to him. He sounds (from what I’ve heard from Brian) like a really nice guy, much like Brian. Anyway that was just nice. And then Brian came on the phone and he sounded so tired. I felt so bad. Especially since I was like wide awake, even though the spread sheet was like $5,000 off. Oh well. I couldn’t do much about it, so I let it go. But I can’t wait for Settle to come back home. March 9 or 10 or whatever that Sunday is. And John will be home next weekend. Possibly Weds night or Thursday afternoon. Depends on his classes and such. But I really can’t wait to see him. I really do miss him. I miss him and Brian the most probably. Maybe because I don’t talk to them as much as I talk to Manny. But I really miss them. And I will miss them more as I am waiting for them to come home. I mean Manny won’t be home till the end of May, so why should i hold my breath now? Anyway, I’m just being right now waiting for my shift to end. Damn I still have like 3 hours left. At least Shelley is relieving me so I know she will be on time. Ok well thats all for right now. Enough writing.