Secret

I wrote an entry a while back – linked here – about a lump in my breast.  Its still there, but I haven’t noticed it growing.  Although the knowledge of it being there is really starting to tick away at the base of my skull.  I’m really thinking I’d like to go to a free women’s clinic.  The thing is…  I have no idea how to find one, or who to ask, or where to start looking.  And as ridiculous as this sounds, this is a prime example of how alone I feel.  I’m being evicted, kicked onto the street, but my aunt and uncle can’t put me up for a night or two while I sort my life out.  They basically told me it would be better for them if I slept in my car rather than on their couch.  Thanks.  Then their daughter sends an email about her engagement, but says she wants to tell some people, some family in person so could we please not tell anyone?  Those people and family who live hours and hours away, but she couldn’t tell me, the one who lives within 15 minutes of her.  Who would have loved to hug her and see the ring and be all giddy for her.  Nope.  What about at my cousin’s wedding last year, when Emily (the bride) and her sister, sister-in-laws, cousins and aunts (except me and my mom), and moms went and got their nails done together.  Didn’t invite either my mother or I.  Didn’t even say that while there weren’t enough time slots for us to get pampered, would we like to come along and spend time with them.  Nadda.

So basically, they are telling me they wished I was homeless, lived further away and wasn’t really related to them to begin with.  And this is supposed to be my ‘close’ family.  The family who will take care of me since my parents are so far away and can’t do it.  When I was dying sick with the cold from hell, my aunt nor uncle nor 2 cousins could be bothered to drive down to my apartment and help me.  If my cousin lived within an hour of my parents, but over 14 hours from their own parents, and my cousin was that sick – you bet your ass my mother would have been over there taking care of him/her.  Because thats what family does.  When my cousin was playing baseball in western NY, my uncle had him and his entire college-age team over for dinner and swimming.  Was the house a disaster when they left?  Did they spend a lot of money on pizza? Yes, but thats what you do for family – at least in our family, thats how its supposed to be.
 
Okay – ranting again.
 
I wasn’t supposed to be alone in this city.  I wasn’t supposed to feel like I’m a million miles from home, or friends, or family, or anybody who really loved me.  I’m supposed to have family that could help me.  Did any of them help me move?  Not a single one, any of the times.  Yah, yah, ranting again.
 
So here’s my current problem.  I want to go to a free woman’s clinic.  I tried Googling them in this area, but nothing right came up.  There was a list of safe havens (don’t have a kid), abortion clinics (don’t have a kid), OB-GYN (umm… no) and there was a few types of Planned Parenthood.  There are free health clinics listed and other heath clinics listed and a list of breast cancer places that aren’t free.  Not what I need.  So I don’t know who the hell I should ask.
 
I am NOT asking people at my church, because I don’t want to get into WHY I need to know.  I’m desperate to find the answer, but I don’t want the entire world to know about this yet.  I don’t want to tell my mom because I’m freaking out enough already without her freaking out as well.  I don’t even know where to go to get this kind of help.  I don’t know who I could ask or how to start finding out.  So I’ve discovered yet another way in which I’m stuck unable to move forwards or backwards from where I sit.
 
Thanks for making me feel more alone than I did when I moved out here, ‘family’.