search under blankets for me

This is the second night in a row that I didn’t sleep well. I had more strange dreams, only parts of which I remember. There were animals attacking people and chewing them up. I don’t mean cartoons and fun. I mean lions and tigers attacking people and tearing them to shreds right in front of me. There was a dream about my dad’s family. They were all hanging out and talking at a truck stop. The only other thing I can remember is talking with my aunt about the buses races on Monday and whether or not I should come.

The worst was the dream I thought was reality. I thought someone was in my apartment. I heard a door slam. (I think that really happened.) Someone came into my room. I saw a candle flickering on the wall. It felt like someone kicked my bed. I’m still sleeping on the air mattress, so there’s a specific feeling when someone kicks it. They walked out of the room and went into the other bedroom. I heard them walking around the living room and kitchen and saw the light flickering on the wall. I was too scared to move. I kept trying to roll over and look out my bedroo door. Trying to reach my phone and dial 9-1-1. I couldn’t move. All I could do was watch the light and shadows on the wall.

Finally, I managed to really open my eyes. I started to realize it was a dream. But I was still too scared to get up and check my apartment. I couldn’t remember if my door was locked or not and was too scared to check. I laid awake for a while trying to get back to sleep. But I was still scared, too awake. I thought about getting up and doing all the work that I wanted to do around the apartment – dishes, cleaning the study, psych reading. Somewhere in listing all the things that needed to be done, I fell back to sleep.

If this keeps up, I’m going to turn into a walking zombie. I just want one good night of sleep. I wake up more tired than when I feel asleep. This is not boding well. Maybe I’ll go back on the meds.

Don’t mean to scare you but
I, I’ve not been sleeping lately
and phone calls aren’t doing much to help.

So if it’s all the same I’d
just as soon never have to
offer explanation or excuse again.

We make believe everyday
we make our lives seem like they’re still worth living
we find out in the end it’s only us that we’ve been kidding.

So find the darkest place and
search under blankets for me.
Smothering myself in this darkness.
I’m lying down tonight and
you’re not lying with me.
Honesty doesn’t sit so well on you
some things you just can’t fake.

We make believe everyday
we make our lives seem like they’re still worth living
we find out in the end it’s only us that we’ve been kidding.

It’s just another stupid drama
that no one notices but you
and you only take an interest
when theres nothing else to do.
But you won’t mind
Wait for all of it I can’t go and wait for all of this.
But you won’t mind
Wait for all of it I can’t go and wait for all of this.

We make believe everyday
we make our lives seem like they’re still worth living
we find out in the end it’s only us that we’ve been kidding.

Just another stupid drama
that no one notices but you
and you only take an interest
when theres nothing else to do.

If You’re Bored ~ Bayside