return of the beast

cold finger pressed to burning eyes
as a prayer escapes into the air
not this time not right now
fighting the demons is harder
less reason to live
but someone somewhere
gives a moment of reasonable doubt
in the pointlessness of this life
and the knife strays from courseing may ever happen with him for all I know. Maybe I’m getting too cynical. I have a hard time accepting that people actually like my company. There always has to be an alterior motive to being my friend. In a way, my “friends” at work are really only my friends because we work together and it makes things easier when we all get along. I should stop being so suspicious of people. I’ve just been burned too many times to trust and believe so easily.

So Sunday was church and then my parents left for their night away. I slept most of the afternoon and then proceeded to stay up all night cleaning my room. I was going to call Nathan but I didn’t want to go out and my house was too much of a mess. I’m not sure how he’s feel about sitting on my bed to watch TV either. I was going to have him come over and get drunk with him, but the house is in pieces and my bedroom was a mess. Even if he didn’t mind the whole bed thing, the mess would have bothered me. Bras and pantyhose laying everywhere. Anyway, I didn’t call him, but my room is really clean now. I washed my comforter and all my sheets. I organized my desk a little bit. Oh and big news – I’ve been trying to get a hard copy of my diary organized. The hacker really scared me because I lost a lot of entries. I have a bad memory and it helps to be able to go back and read my diary to remind me what happened and how I was feeling then. Anyways, I have a bunch of old three-ring binders and I was going to put all my entries, including the poems and music reviews, in chronological order into the binders. When I merged my diary from TOD and other places, the dates didn’t really all line up, so I wanted them in the notebooks correctly. It took me a while, but a printer cartridge and a lot of hole-punching later, I have everything in three binders, all labeled. I was going to do it by year, but I started halfway through 2002 and didn’t write much. I wrote more in 2003 but not even half as much as I did last year. So I spaced it out the best I could. I didn’t want to waste space and I won’t be going back in time to add more it them. My diary is now in three binders labeled on my desk. A part of me wants to hide them in my room, so my parents won’t find them. There is a lot of things in there I don’t want them to see. But I’d rather trust that they won’t go through my things and read it. I don’t think they will. I think a part of them knows they don’t need to know everything anymore. Its better off that they don’t know everything.

So I didn’t sleep much last night. When I went out for a last cigarette before going to bed, I heard a rooster crowing. The sun was not even begining to rise. I thought about coming into work then, but I knew I needed some sleep if I planned on making it through today. I’m still not sure I’ll make it. Its only 2:30 and I’ve been dragging all day. It doesn’t help that the mail was heavy this morning and my back is killing me. I feel bad about not calling Nathan last night, but I don’t think I really want to hang out tonigh either. If my TV was in my TV room and not my bedroom, I might be more willing to see if he wants to come over. Well, I’ll call him and we’ll see what happens. I want to call Mike too and tell him I’m sorry for being such a brat on Saturday. I wasn’t as bad as I could have been, but I wasn’t excatly Princess Sweetness and Pie. Wait….I’m never Princess Sweetness and Pie. But that’s not the point. The point is I want to call him and I will. For all I know he could be in class until late tonight or something. Whatever.

I should get back to work now. I’m trying to stay relaxed but focused, calm but busy. Its not really working….

Lights out and my seat back
as far as it will go
Casting shadows like statues
I’m right outside your window
Theres no such thing as second chances
Theres no such thing don’t bother to explain

You’re so beautiful
Did you hear a word I said
You’re so beautiful
I guess this is what I get

We trust and believe so easily
In words they speak we seek security
In one another but theres no way to cover this
And these tragic nights and afternoons wreak disaster
And I can still feel you as if you were in the room
Where did our story end where did it start
I buried you along with my heart

Entertain me and tell me “it didn’t mean anything”
It’s vengeance worth my tolerance and
I could be careless but
I promise you’ll feel everything

I know…did you hear a word I said?
I know…I guess this is what I get.

We trust and believe so easily
In words they speak we seek security
In one another but theres no way to cover this
And these tragic nights and afternoons wreak disaster
And I can still feel you as if you were in the room
Where did our story end where did it start
I buried you along with my heart

Shadows Like Statues ~ Matchbook Romance