remember condescending talk

I’m drowning. Suffocating on my own air. This is a School of Music and I’m still suffocating. I spent six hours yesterday practicing piano. Dana came over and practiced with me for a while, too. Practicing on my own was seriously a breath of fresh air. But Dana isn’t as good as Brian. That’s not really fair. Brian is a musical genius, Dana is a freshman. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good, but she’s not Brian. I’m not that much better than everyone here. I don’t think this school is beneath me cause its not. It is just where I need to be. What I’m lacking is the intense musicianship found in Deste and Brian. That is food to me. Creating such awesome music not cause we have to, but because we want to. I think my expectations of this place were high and they just haven’t been met yet. I know, its been only a month. And the musicianship I need must be found – it’s not just blatantly given to you. But for the movement I’m suffocating. I’m gasping at what precious air I can find. I’m also trying not to suffocate myself. I’m putting myself out there and working. What really gets me is that I’m not feeling like I’m growing or learning as much. I feel like I’m treading water at the moment.

I’m unbelievably frustrated as well. With my reeds. Double-reed instruments are the only ones like this. We may be the perfect player, but we can be reduced to 7th grade sounds if we have a bad reed. Playing oboe (and any other double-reed) is learning two skills. First you learn the instrument and then almost completely seperate – you learn how to make reeds. Frustrating comes in when you can play college-level but your reeds are at an elementary level. Your playing is reduced to the level of your reeds. Eventually your reeds get better and you can make reeds at the level you play. Its the getting there and the long slow learning curve. No other instrument has this issue. Single-reeds buy reeds. Its cheaper and better. Brass players don’t have anything issues like this. My point is I’m musically frustrated. I know this is the best place for me right now. But I’m still frustrated.

I officially hate theory. Its such a colossal waste of my time. This is time I could spend on reeds or oboe or practicing things that are worth something to me. Or better yet get a better teacher who knows how to teach. This really frustrates me. Part of me really wants to hold out and get a degree from here and then go to a conservatory, yet another part of me doesn’t know I’ll be able to last here for three years – maybe more – if I have to stand so many crappy teachers. The ensembles are easy, the classes are mostly a joke and I’m musically frustrated like whoa! It’s only been a month and I’m already going insane. I have a few fun goodness things and I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. Argh! And my teacher can’t teach.

So I had a migraine last week. I took meds, but I was out for a day. It happens. She (my aural prof) wants a “sick note.” Why? She wants me to go to LoGrasso to tell a nurse that I have a migraine. The nurse will give me meds that won’t work and I have to trudge back to my room. Its fucking stupid. I was sick. I took care of myself. I’ve done the doctor gamet to figure out whats wrong. I’m not starting that all over again. I fucking hate this place right now. I really hate Theory and all its stupid fucking glory. Look, its making me curse!

I want a cigarette.

When I pretend everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can’t forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can but
I can’t pretend this is the way it’ll stay I’m just
trying to bend the truth
I can’t pretend I’m who you want me to be, so I’m
Lying my way from you

If you feelin like a pimp nigga, go and brush your shoulders off
Ladies is pimps too, go and brush your shoulders off
Niggaz is crazy baby, don’t forget that boy told you
Get, that, dirt off your shoulder

I probably owe it to y’all, proud to be locked by the force
Tryin to hustle some things, that go with the Porsche
Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the law, nigga grip’n my balls
All the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin
All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin
All the rappers be hatin, off the track that I’m makin
But all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it
Came from the bottom the bottom, to the top of the pots
Nigga London, Japan and I’m straight off the block
Like a running back, get it man, I’m straight off the block
I can run it back nigga cause I’m straight with the Roc

You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder
You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder
You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder
You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder

Your homey Hov’ in position, in the kitchen with soda
I just whipped up a watch, tryin to get me a Rover
Tryin to stretch out the coca, like a wrestler, yessir
Keep the Heckler close, you know them smokers’ll test ya
But like, fifty-two cards when I’m, I’m through dealin
Now fifty-two bars come out, now you feel ’em
Now, fifty-two cars roll out, remove ceiling
In case fifty-two broads come out, now you chillin
with a boss bitch of course S.C. on the sleeve
At the 40/40 club, ESPN on the screen
I paid a grip for the jeans, plus the slippers is clean
No chrome on the wheels, I’m a grown-up for real

I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fittin’ in
And now you think this person really is me and I’m
Trying to bend the truth
But the more I push the more I’m pulling away ‘cuz I’m

Lying my way from you
No no turning back now
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
No no turning back now
Let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone
No turning back now
Anywhere on my own cuz I can see
No no turning back now
The very worst part of you
The very worst part of you is ME

This isn’t what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn’t what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn’t what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn’t what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This

You
No turning back now
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
No no turning back now
Let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone
No turning back now
Anywhere on my own cuz I can see
No no turning back now
The very worst part of you
The very worst part of you is me

Dirt Off Your Shoulder/Lying From You ~ Linkin Park/Jay-Z