Religion vs. Science

I don’t remember ever surpressing memories. I suppose that’s the point of a surpressed memory. You don’t remember what you’ve forgotten. But I can’t recall hours of time that have been missing in my day. I can usually account for what I’ve done in the past hours. My mom and I had lunch on Sunday together, and she brought up something that I vaguely remember, but sort of don’t as well. It’s like I watched myself do it from afar.

I was upset. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember being very very upset. And I remember telling my parents I was going for a walk. I don’t remember actually doing anything else. What I do recall is watching myself walk across the school playground and sitting on the swings and crying my eyes out, beating my head against my fists. I don’t remember doing this, but I can picture it as if I was floating above myself. My mother remembers it more vividly. She said it was cold, very cold and late at night. She was worried about me and went to go find me. She said I was screaming. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was trying to escape the voices in my head. They were screaming and yelling and I wanted to get away from them.

That’s scary to me. I was too young, too naive, too ignorant to know it at that time, but I think it was the first signs of my bipolarism. Hearing screaming voices? I must have looked like a nut to my mother. Perhaps she should have hospitalized me back then, but who knows if it would have done any good. I didn’t have many other symptoms at that point.

I remember once when I was young, probably 5 or 6, and I had decided to dedicate my life to Jesus. Somehow this revalation came to me that I believed in Jesus. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I remember feeling happy. Not the I-got-a-present-so-I’m-happy kind of feeling, but pure happiness. I was ecstatic. I never felt that way before and I never have since, though I’ve tried to recapture it. I was jumping from my bed to the floor and then back again, almost like flying. I remember seeing angels around me and they were singing and laughing and dancing.

I haven’t thought about that moment in a very long time. I’ve tried to recapture that same feeling of ecstasy, but to no avail. I used to attribute both feelings to spiritual events. The first was good and wonderful, an experience with God. The second was horrible and evil, an experience with demons. But were they spiritual, hormonal, bipolar, or all three mixed together? I think this is where science and religion fail each other. Science believes it can explain these feelings, these hallucinations. They believe it is a chemical imbalance in the brain of some sort. Religion believes it can explain the same thing. They are religious experiences, being touched by God or the Devil. I’m starting to believe they are both, religious and scientific. If God is everywhere, in everything, wouldn’t He be involved in bipolarism?

The first time I cut, it was a release. There was something evil inside me that needed to escape and the only way was to slice open my arm. I didn’t want to die. It wasn’t a suicide attempt. I was trying to get the poison out of me. I once carved the word “Why” into my arm. I felt like everything inside me, my kidneys, my stomach, my muscles, my bones were screaming this word. The only way to release the pressure was to carve the word in my arm. To me, I wasn’t cutting into my body. My body was breaking through my skin.

I’ve been reading up on bipolarism for my Term Paper, and for me. I’m realising things that I used to think were “normal,” things that were just part of my personality and life may have a deeper meaning. I’m begining to believe that everything is interconnected, that everything effects everything else.

“If a butterfly chances to flap his wings in Beijing in March, then, by August, hurricane patterns in the Atlantic will be completely different.”

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you’ve got to be the best
You’ve got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you’ve got to be the best
You’ve got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Don’t let your self down
And don’t let yourself go
Your last chance has arrived

Best, you’ve got to be the best
You’ve got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Butterflies and HUrricanes ~ Muse