Red light, Yellow Light, Green Light

This month has really sucked.

It’s four in the morning and I woke up.  I fell asleep fully dressed next to my computer last night just after finishing dinner.  I had very, very, very strange dreams.  

I was in some sort of college dormitory.  A friend and I had been arrested for stealing something, even though we didn’t steal anything and everyone knew it.  But there was some reason we needed to be arrested.  Like we were standing up to someone, although I never figured out who.  I was put in a cell, that wasn’t really a cell but was an inner courtyard.  It was very cold, but people came to visit me.  They stayed inside and I was sitting outside on a picnic table.  I had a cigar too, which I rolled myself.  (I’ve never rolled anything before.)  Then I was allowed back into my room and was given my cell phone back.  So I called Mike, even though I know he has asked for space.  And he was happy to hear from me.  Which I was completely not excepting.  I told him that I had been in jail (interesting fact, I never used the word prison) and he asked when I was coming back to NY.  I told him February maybe.  He asked if there was anyway I could get home sooner.

Then I woke up.  All my lights were on, and it was four in the morning.

I was supposed to go hang out with Laura tonight, but two things happened.  One was my falling asleep.  Once I woke up and found my phone, I saw that she had texted and said her daughter was really upset and could we hang out a different night.  Which is perfect since I was feeling like a loser for falling asleep on her.

Except…

I wanted to talk to her about church.  The pastor and I had a good talk this morning (yesterday morning).  I don’t want to do this job anymore.  I’m feeling stuck in a rut, and I feel like I’ll never be able to escape it.  Every pressure is weighing down on me.  And to top all that off, my migraines are back in full force.  So part of this is my mental issues, part of this is my lack of desire to do the job, and part of this is health issues.  Which circles all around – this is all in my head.

I’m not sure this position is right for me.  Ever.  I’m getting weighed down by the dumb crap I have to do and can’t enjoy the stuff I’m really good at.  I need and want to step back, but I don’t know how.  I don’t know how without leaving the church and quitting and causing a big scene (even without intending to).

The pastor and I talked and we came up with three options.  Red light, green light, yellow light.

Red light is to end it completely.  Everyone walks away.  Darrin did make it very clear that I could and should remain a member at this church and my employment status would not change that fact.  But my job, my employment at the church would end.

Green light is to continue on.  Press forward and try to make it all work.  Put more things into place to help but more or less – keep on, keeping on.  This option made me want to cry.  I feel like this is where we’ve been stuck for over a year.  The pastoral change helped hide some of that desire, but I really don’t think this is the right setting nor the right job for me more and more as time goes by.  I believe I have gifts and talents that can be useful to the church.  I believe there is a place and a way for me to continue using those for the church.  But I don’t think this is the right way anymore.

Yellow light is to take a leave of absence.  Create some space for me to back away and give me some time.  To sort things out and see where they lead.

Yesterday morning, the yellow light was my "knee-jerk" reactionary choice.  But I wanted to think about it and talk to someone about it all.  I didn’t really want to talk with my parents about it.  Maybe if my mom had answered I might have a little, but not really.  They don’t know the depths of frustration that are going on out here.  They also have their own depths of frustration with their church.  I didn’t want to "rub salt" in their wounds.  I thought about Megan, but her ex-mother-in-law just dropped dead and she’s got enough going on.  I realized Laura would be perfect.  She understands and sees and would let me talk and would talk.  She would be the perfect person.

Except, I fell asleep and her daughter was upset.

I was still leaning towards the yellow light.  But writing this out…  I can’t help but wonder if the red light is really the way to go.  Yellow light does not limit going to red or green after the leave.  But I also don’t want to drag this all out.  I don’t want to go to yellow and then decide this is much better and go to red, which might make Mary feel pushed/forced back into the position longer than she thought or agreed.  But… yellow light might give me the time and space to figure out how to get some real help within the church.  Really plan things by committee/team.  Yellow light might help all of us figure out a way to make this work better.

I won’t lie about another aspect.  Dave has promised me full-time hours through the end of the year.  Then we’ll all re-evaluate.  I can definitely survive on title agency full-time.  Probably could even make 3/4 time work too.  Half-time would be pushing it I think and maybe not doable.  Two part time jobs are perfect.  But I’d rather work full-time for the title agency and volunteer at the church.  Either way – I need to be able to make rent and survive.

Honestly, maybe thats not as big a factor as I thought.  I’ve been wanting to ask Amy or Dave about possibly becoming a notary.  But I don’t have the time.  I’ve been wanting to learn more about the title agency but I don’t have the time.  I’ve been wanting to practice oboe more and get back into shape – make reeds.  But I don’t have the time.  All three of those things could help bring in more money for me, supplementing my income.

So why don’t we just go red light and be done?

Because I’m afraid thats too hasty a decision for me and the church.  Its one made out of desperation and frustration and…. just all the wrong emotions.  Its an emotional decision, not a rational one.

I’m vacillating between the yellow and red.  I think there is a very good chance that if we go yellow for a while, it will lead to a red light.  So why wait?  Because God is an awesome God and perhaps there’s a way to return to green.  Is He the one pushing me to go yellow instead of red?

I just made a pro/con list and I keep feeling like yellow is the best option.  At least through Christmas.  I don’t know what that will look like exactly.  I know I would like to still be a part of the planning for the Candlelight service.  Maybe thats one of the balancers.  I will step back from "every week" planning, but will instead focus on Candlelight.  After the New Year, we regroup.  See what happens?

I’m starting to watch my brain whirl with how this will work, so I’m going to look at my files and make some decisions.  Its not going to be green, thats for sure!

*****

On a side note, a favorite diarist of mine pointed out that she’s not used to sleeping with someone next to her.  It makes sleeping difficult.  I completely relate.  I remember feeling like that when Mike and I first started seeing each other.  It was awkward and uncomfortable and too hot or too cold.  We didn’t spend a lot of nights together, getting to wake up next to each other.  So I don’t know how or when it happened.  But I don’t sleep well without him.  I wake up reaching for him, even though its been weeks or months.  Its hard to fall asleep.  Usually I try and trick my brain. – I imagine myself merely waiting for him to come home from work and crawl into bed with me.  I used to think it was just enjoying the feeling of a body, any body, next to me.  But I hated sleeping next to Jared and never got used to that.  Even when I was spending every night over there.  But the result of constantly missing Mike has been that I haven’t slept well in years, with a few relief moments spotted here or there.  I really wish I could just get over him and move on past this.