rat poison for dinner

I’ve seriously had enough of the male race and their fucked-up mind games. I’m so sick and tired and feeling this way and being pulled around on a string. First its Nathan and his desire to drive me home, even though its way out of his way and in the opposite direction that he needs to go. And even though it makes him late getting home. He doesn’t care. He wants to drive me home. Remember back in elementary school, when that one kid would always jump at the chance to answer a question or help the teacher. He would offer to do things before they were asked, so no one else got a chance. I swear, that what Nathan reminds me of.

And then there’s Mike. He made some comment on Monday night about living in New Orleans. I asked him what that meant and he said his ship wasn’t leaving so he felt like he was living down there. Then he asked if his comment bothered me. I told him no and he said I was lying. I told him I didn’t care what he did; it was his life. He kept pushing me though. He said he was going to Texas that weekend to look at house that was for sale. When I asked further, he said his friend was the one who wanted to buy the house and he was just tagging along. I swear he’s trying to get me to tell him that he has to stay in New York or something. And to be honest, that is what I want. But if he’s not happy he needs to do something about it. I’m not going to force him to stay here, even if we were “official” or even if I was pregnant. If he wants to leave, he has the right to leave. Besides the fact that I could be leaving sometime soon myself. I don’t know what he wants from me. I don’t know if he’s trying to get a hissy fit reaction out of me, but its not going to work. Sorry. He just makes me so mad. I don’t know, but I get this feeling that he likes my parents more than me and he wants me to want him, to need him, more than he needs or wants me. But if he doesn’t budge from his cool exterior, I’m not going to give him an inch either. He’s not going to push me over the edge into falling in love with him that easily. I mean, please. I seriously just don’t know what he wants from me, but this is not the way to get it. I should just come out and ask him what the hell he wants from me, but its hard because I can’t read him, especially when he’s this far away. I don’t know if he cares at all about me or I’m seriously just his New York screw. Granted before he left he was coming up to see me, just to hang out. But then he pulls back and sharply. I don’t mind that he left because thats part of what he does as a Merchant Marine. But we were getting close and connecting on something outside the bed, and then he leaves and opposed to keeping the connection and deepening it, he pulls back. He won’t talk to me and he won’t tell me what he’s thinking. Megan says he’s starting to act like Rick. I didn’t think of that until she said it, but she’s right. He’s controling, but in a very subtle way. And he’s not there for me emotionally. He’s always been withdrawn and protected against that. Granted so am I, but it seems like we can never get past that wall. I’m just tired of the mind games.

And then there’s my father. It always comes back to my father. He left for New Orleans today. He’ll be gone until Monday. He has some business down there with ALG. Fine, like Mike, I don’t care that he’s gone. But he didn’t say goodbye to me. My own father couldn’t take 5 minutes to find me and say goodbye. How fucked up is that. I waved at him last night as I came home. I talked to him like once yesterday. I haven’t even seen him today. But he can’t say goodbye to me. If I lived on my own and had a job without him, that would be different. But he couldn’t take 5 fucking minutes from his schedule to say goodbye to me. That pisses me off. It seriously makes me livid. It makes me feel like I’m worth nothing to him. That’s what all the years of him not coming home for dinner and not calling and giving me the cold shoulder has gotten me. I feel worthless to him. And if my father can’t care for me, why should any other guy in my life?

Shit! Nothing makes sense
so I won’t think about it.
I’ll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee;
in four words, that’s me.
I am full of indifference.

What do the old people teach us
but how to die die die die
What do your hissy fits teach you
except how to cry, pussy, cry?

The futile (the futile)
it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile)
it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile) the futile
so futile the futile

Taste! I have no taste.
I don’t like these tiny portions
or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss
and slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.

What do the old people teach us
but how to die die die die
What do your hissy fits teach you
except how to cry, pussy, cry?

The futile the futile
it outweighs the beautiful
Futile the futile
it outweighs the beautiful
Futile the futile the futile so

I’m eating rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
I am dining alone tonight
Rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
i am dining alone
so goodnight

I shall not love, yet I’ll still sing about it.
Hope it covers the ocean in slime,
the drama and drool.
I’m leaking the blood of a fool.
I’m full of it, I’m full of it, I’m full.

Rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
I am dining alone, tonight
Rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
i am dining alone tonight-
Oh i am dining alone..tonight
Tonight, tonight, oh yeah

The Futile ~ Say Anything