pain more painful

So I need to tell the story of the trip to Toronto. And the story of Newfie’s goodbye party. But I’m so utterly exhausted and I just want to curl up in bed right now. So for those who like to read the last page of novels, here’s the email I sent Newfie after leaving him in Toronto. The italics are things I added for your reading ease.

Hey,

So it only took me 2 and a half hours to make it to Hamilton.

No joke. The traffic, when it was moving, was going 20 mph at the most. I was flipping out. I tried calling your friend’s apartment to see if there was another way, some route I didn’t know, but no one picked up. After that, I got to a “What exactly is crying and screaming going to solve? Will my car become an airplane and fly over it? No. Will it make the traffic go away? No. Well….more Ramones then” state-of-mind. I think I scared some kids in a car next to me when I cranked that up. Oh well. Such is life.

It only took me 45 minutes from Hamilton to get to the border. Usually about at least an hour. I might have broken a few speed limits. A little. Seconds crossing the border. It was quicker than going in, if you can believe that. A mere 30 minutes usually at least 45 mins to my apartment (again a few broken speed limits) and another 30 thats about right to church.

I was only 30 minutes late for the service. A lot of the people said they’ve done that drive and no worries. But they were as puzzled as I with what was the problem. I heard sirens at one point, but never saw the vehicles or remnants of an accident. Just massive amounts of cars going nowhere. Once I hit Hamilton, the road literally opened up in front of my eyes and I flew. Or very nearly did.

Fran, Rhonda and Father Gordon said to tell you again they will miss you. Fran said he looks forward to seeing you in April as well. A few other members also said they would miss you too. So yes, you will be missed and not by just me!

Aren’t you proud that I didn’t burst into tears though? At least not until after I turned the corner. And then it was only a moment! Then I was stuck on that highway forever and what was crying going to do about anything then? Then I had to make it through the border and to Fredonia and to church and through church and talking to people after church and……

So you were right, by the way. I am paranoid. :p

I didn’t start crying until after the church service. I was sitting in the office with Rhonda and she kept saying that even though I hadn’t cried, I would! She knows too much, senses too much. I love her to death! Anyways – I was looking over the Good Friday and Easter Sunday bulletins. The Easter Sunday bulletin had the list of people who purchased Easter flowers in honor or memory of friends and family. My parent’s church does that too. Anyways – so I was looking over the list, and my parents got flowers “in honor of the music” and right there in church office I started crying. Rhonda looked over at me and just grinned. “I knew you would break eventually. Your mom called and asked me not to tell you.” And then she hugged me and I cried some more, and then calmed down a little – enough to get in the car to drive. But poor James. I was still sort-of crying the whole way home and he just didn’t know what to say or do. After I dropped him off, I called my house to tell my parents that I had left the country (and used my roaming cell phone!) and that I knew about the flowers. My dad answered and he actually talked to me for almost 45 minutes. Short story – I was wrong. You were right. I’m paranoid and yada yada yada. So that was good. And then I talked to my mom. And then I hung up. And started crying again. AGGH!

To be honest, I’m a little annoyed with me about it, because you’ll be back in a month. It’s not like that was goodbye forever. And you WILL email and IM and YOU WILL CALL! So why is it bothering me so damn much? **sigh** Like Lu says, we don’t know what just happens, but we break. Oy!

“You know what word should be Yiddish that isn’t? Spatula.”

Okay. Right. – You asked me to email you when I got back. I didn’t have time when I flew through here on my way to church, which is why this is coming so late. I hope you have a safe flight home and all that jazz. Tell Bruce I said hi. 😉

Ahh, I am so tired! If any of this didn’t make sense, just remember how tired I am. Then do what Manny used to – Imagine me saying it out loud. He said that my emails sometimes didn’t make much sense until he pretended I was actually saying it, rather than him just reading it.

And if that didn’t make sense? Well, I just give up then!

😛

The rooms were so much colder then
My father was a soldier then
And times were very hard
When I was young
When I was young

I smoked my first cigarette at ten
And for girls I had a that yen
And I had quite a ball
When I was young

When I was young it was more important
Pain more painful and laughter much louder, yeah
When I was young
When I was young

I met my first love at thirteen
She was brown, and I was pretty green
And I learned quite a lot
When I was young
When I was young

When I was young it was more important
Pain more painful and laughter much louder, yeah
When I was young
When I was young

My faith was so much stronger then
I believed in fellow men
And I was so much older then
When I was young
When I was young
When I was young

When I Was Young ~ The Ramones cover version