on a bed of nails she makes me wait

So its been a while since I’ve updated. On one hand, no news is good news because it usually means I’m majorly busy and don’t have time to write in here. On the other hand, I’ve really wanted to update; I’ve just been really really tired and have usually decided to go to bed as opposed to stay awake and write. School is going well, I guess. I hate theory. Which sucks because when its taught well, it can be a very interesting and informative subject. And it really can be useful. But my professors just have no idea how to teach which makes it a painful class to sit through. A part of me wished that more of my music classes were more challenging, but on the other hand, the lack of work and effort has enabled me to make friends and hang out more. I’ve been able to go to parties with my suitemates and do other sociable things. It also has enabled me to focus on making reeds and work on getting better at that. I made an English horn reed the other day, which made me happy. It sounds really good. I’m also no longer playing on Bishkoff oboe reeds, I’m playing on my own reeds. They maybe aren’t as good as Bishkoff reeds, but thats ok. I can play on them and not sound like a dying duck. And I’ll get better as time goes by.

The recital from hell is finally over. To be honest (and fair) it wasn’t my recital and it was only partly from hell. The french horn player, Dana, was fine. Her piece (Mozart Concerto) made me a little crazy, but it was ok and she wasn’t annoying about anything. The tuba player, Andy, is another story. He made me absolutly nuts. Everything else aside, he has no stamina. I could deal with his inability to cue and faulty counting, even his tempo changes were things I could deal with in the long run. His musicality is really quite good too. My biggest issue was his inability to play for long periods of time. He says he has a “system” but if you can’t rehearse with your accompanist for more than 20 minutes without getting tired, its not a good system. Its tuba, so its not like his chops are really getting abused. He’s also not going into performance, but still. He wouldn’t practice for more than 25 minutes at a time. Wait, let me rephrase that. He wouldn’t run thorugh things for more than 25 minutes at a time. He had no rehearsal skills whatsoever. I understand they are freshman who have never given recitals before, but still. Dana at least would take my suggestions and either listen to them or offer another option, which I was really fine with. Andy just denied any type of rehearsing. He wanted to just run through the whole piece and he figured eventually things would fall into place. But thats not the way things get fixed. He drove me absolutly crazy for a week before their recital and then there was a power outage on campus, so Mason was closed and we couldn’t practice. Their recital was the Sunday after Single’s Awarness Day and that Saturday my suitemates took me to a party. Jenn’s boy, Jason, had come up for the weekend to visit and I ended buying a large bottle of Yellowtail Cabernet with the full intention of only drinking enough to get a happy feeling going. But I got sucked into playing 7-11 Doubles and losing horribly. I drank more than 3/4’s of the bottle within an hour (on an empty stomach) and an hour later it all came back up. Jenn and Jason walked me back to the dorm because we were over at the townhouses. It was freezing and I was so drunk. It was alcohol poisoning but not bad enough to go to the hospital. I just ended up throwing up and sleeping until the recital at four on Sunday. I still can’t believe that I actually made it through that recital. I didn’t tell Dana or Andy that I was hungover because they didn’t need to be stressing out over it. Both pieces went really well. Justin came down from RIT and Jenn, Jason and Mel all went to the concert. I’m not sure they know how wonderful it was that they were there. Its a big support to me, just for them to go and be there for me. Justin stayed the evening and we watched “Road to Perdition” before he went home. It was really good to see him.

Randomly, Mike immed me while he was at his mom’s to tell me that he was back from Hawaii. He also told me that it was over between him and his girlfriend. She wanted him to change and quit the Merchant Marines and he basically refused. I really didn’t see them lasting because she was making him miserable within a week of them getting back together. He and I talked for a little while and then he had to suddenly go. He called me later but I missed his call. He left a rather lengthy message which included “I would love to catch up with you” and “I hope we can see each other soon.” I called him back, but he was at Jeff’s and there is no cell service there. He immed on Sunday night while Justin and I were watching TV. It was very surreal to be sitting there with Justin and talking to Mike online. Mike was bugging me about when I’d be home and why I didn’t come home for the holiday weekend. It was because we didn’t get days off for that holiday. I told him I probably wouldn’t be home until Spring Break and he didn’t like that it was so far away (last week in March). Then he wanted to know how long it took me to get home and he was complaining that it was really far, blah, blah, blah. The end result of the conversation was him saying “so what about if i cam up next monday night,, went sking tuesday and then you are mine on tuesday night and I would leave on weds afternoon?” So then we talked about which route was better and such. So he’s coming up and I’m still not completly sure how I feel about it. I’m excited to see him and everything, but I don’t want to go through the crap like last time. I don’t want him to be like “I don’t want a relationship” and then turn around and get back together with his girlfriend. This time around I’m keeping the ball in my court more. I don’t know if he’s afraid of me turning into all his other girlfriends and demanding he leave the Merchant Marines. I wouldn’t do that because I know how much he loves it. Besides the fact that I’m still in school and have a shit-load of school in my future. He’s just really great and I do want to try it with him, but not half-assed. And by half-assed, I mean I don’t want just wait and see where things go. Because we did that last time and things did progress. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten back together with his ex, but I think things might have progressed more. Which really would have been fine with me. I don’t know. I’m apprehensive about his visit, but I really am looking forward to it.

That’s where I was (mentally) last Wednesday night. My suitemates were in my room watching Project Runway and being stupid when Dana got a phone call from Brooke. She was crying and screaming and said something about pills and taking too many. Dana calmed her down and found out she was in her car in the parking lot and she had taken 12 iron pills. It took a moment for things to sink into my head, but then I knew what to do next. We had to get Brooke and we had to call for an EMT. I didn’t know how deadly 12 iron pills could be, but I knew it wouldn’t be good. I told Jenn and Mel we had to tell Sam, who was the RA on duty, and we had to go get Brooke. They were apprehensive and wanted to just get Brooke back to the dorm, but I knew we had to tell Sam. I was putting on shoes and trying to call Megan to see what she knew about iron overdose while the other girls went downstairs. They did tell Sam, which was good because if they hadn’t, I would have told her. We found Brooke crying hysterically in her car. I don’t remember what Jenn said, but it seemed to upset Brooke more, so I motioned for Jenn to come back away so I could talk to her. I knelt by the car and asked Brooke if she would talk to me. She handed me the pill bottle and said she took 12 of them. She also said she knew that if she didn’t go to a hospital within 60 minutes she would die. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said no, she couldn’t afford it. I understood her fear but I also didn’t know how dangerous the pills would be to her system, and regardless of that – She had taken the pills knowing that they would harm her. She didn’t want to die, but she wanted to hurt herself. While I was sitting there and she was somehow reluctant to get out of the car, my mind was thinking “She’s small. I could forcefully lift her from the car and carry her to my car and take her to the hospital.” But another part of me knows how scary going to the hospital can be. She finally agreed to come with us back to the dorm. Sam had called Chelsea, the RD. Sam had also told Jenn that she had called the UP and they were on their way over, or something along those lines. In truth, she hadn’t. Chelsea got there and called the counseling center and talked to the person on duty for a little while. I think the counselor told her that she had to call UP since Brooke had taken the pills. Chelsea gave Brooke the option of either letting us take her to the ER or calling UP. Brooke was still refusing to go to the hospital, so Chelsea (or Sam) finally called UP who called the paramedics. It was a Weds night in a western NY town, and nothing was going on. There were UP, State Police and EMTs and I don’t even know who else.

The decision was made that the suitemates would go to the hospital with Brooke for whatever would happen. Brooke’s decision making about going to the hospital had been taken away since she had taken the pills knowing they would harm her. The police had to take her. Which is what should happen. If she wouldn’t go willingly, I knew the cops would make her go. She didn’t fight them, although they did cuff her in the car. We got directions to the hospital cause they weren’t taking her to the local hospital. About 25 minutes later we were sitting in the waiting room. They didn’t know anything about her, but we decided to wait in case we had driven faster than them.

Brooke finally got there. She was rubbing her wrists because they had cuffed her in the car. And so we waited. The receptionist was completely unhelpful, and the nurses wouldn’t tell up anything. I didn’t want to leave until we knew what was happening to Brooke. The counselor thought she would have to stay, checked into the hospital but he really wasn’t sure. Mel and Jenn were all getting extremely tired. Dana didn’t have class the next day so she really didn’t care either way. I offered to take Jenn and Mel back to the dorm and then come back to the hospital. They convinced me I could do nothing for Brooke and I should go home and get some sleep. I knew that if we left the waiting room permanently, we’d lose any rights to know what was happening to Brooke. We weren’t family, so we had no real legal right to know what was going on. But we all went back to the dorm around 3am to wait. Dana had left my and her cell phone numbers at the hospital for them to call us with any information. Everyone else went to bed, but I sat up watching Sex in the City season 1. Around 5am, Dana come into my room with her cell phone. The counselor had called and was asking all sorts of questions. Dana was half-asleep so I talked to him. He kept asking if I thought Brooke should be released. I told him I was split two ways. 1 – Being at home (in the dorms) around her friends might be better than a hospital for her. BUT 2 – We were not professionals and we aren’t trained to help her properly. We also have classes and other responsibilities. He and I spoke about if she had been intending to kill herself or just harm herself. He’d bee asking Dad but she didn’t understand the difference. I told him I never remembered hearing Brooke say she wanted to die. She just wanted to hurt herself. I understood the difference and the impact they would make on Brooke. The counselor asked if we would be able to pick her up in about an hour if they released her. I told him we could be there 30 minutes after he called. I hung up under the impression that he would call and let me know what the decision was. Dana ended up lying on Jess’s bed while we waited to hear from the hospital.

Around 7am, I finally fell asleeping waiting for the phone to ring. I didn’t wake up until almost 1 in the afternoon. Brooke wasn’t back and no one seemed to know anything. I emailed my professors to tell them why I had missed class. We tried calling the hospital to see where Brooke was, but all we could find out was that she wasn’t in the ER and the psych ward wouldn’t confirm or deny her status. The next “battle” was trying to decide if we should call her mom. The cops had told us the wouldn’t call her mother because Brooke wasn’t a minor. We also found out that Sam and Chelsea had not and would not call her mother. But what would we really be able to tel lher mom. “She’s not here and we don’t know where she is.” We also didn’t know if Brooke had called her mother already. I finally did call her mom, but could not get in touch with her. We left messages and then basically just waited.

Around 5pm, just after Jenn and Mel left for dinner, Brooke walked into my room and asked if I had her keys cause her door was locked. Dana was in the room, just sleeping, so we woke her up. Brooke had called her mom around 11am and had beed released sometime shortly after that. She was not allowed on campus; she was just there getting her stuff. Her mother was taking her hom and tomorrow she was coming back to see the campus counselor, to be signed back onto campus. To end this long story, she’s back but she has to go to counseling and some other things. She’s kind of on campus probation. Another incident and she’ll probably get removed for the semester, or at least in a lot more trouble than this time around.

This whole ordeal showed me a lot about the people I’m living with and how they deal with a situation like this. Jess wasn’t around the whole time, but she seemed to be the one who understood most why Brooke had to go to a hospital. I’ve also realized that no one else here gets the difference between wanting to kill yourself and wanting to hurt yourself. I understand that no matter what, she did something wrong and that needs to be dealt with. But on another level, there is a big difference between someone who is suicidal and someone who is a cutter. Their reasoning and drives are different and need to be dealt with differently. Unfortunately, you can’t understand that difference unless you been there. These suitemates are just a little naive when it comes to that. On one level, it really annoyed me that they can’t see the difference. To me, the difference is astronomical and makes a whole lottadifference. But on the other hand, I know they won’t (they can’t) understand because they haven’t been there. Its just something that distinctly draws a line of difference between me and them. Scary thought, but I’m more like Brooke than they realize. Their ignorance seemed to come across as close-mindedness and annoying, but its just ignorance. And its ignorance that I hope they never lose.

If you thought that was the end, you are so wrong….

I called my dad around 4pm to just talk to him and pick his brain a little about hospital legal rights and such. I needed someone to be there for me for a little bit. He sounded immensely tired and worried and I soon discovered why. My grandmother had called that morning very scared. My paternal grandfather went in for emergency aneurysm surgery. SIDENOTE: First of all, lets define aneurysm. An aneurysm is a weakened area of a wall of a blood vessel. The weakened area sort of “balloons out”, causing an aneurysm. Think, if you will, of a tire with bubble or weakened area on it, sort of bulging out. This is basically the same concept. An aneurysm can occur with age or it can be congenital (present from birth). Increased pressure in an artery with an aneurysm can have serious results, including bleeding, pain and even death. Aneurysms are most prominent and significant in the aorta, but also occur in peripheral vessels and are fairly common in the lower extremities of older people, especially in the popliteal arteries. My grandfather’s aneurysm was in his thigh, which is just as serious as one in the brain or near the heart. But everyone associates them with the brain. My dad didn’t know any other information because Grandma had been so upset on the phone, he didn’t press her. We were in yet another waiting game. I spent most of Thursday waiting for a call that my grandfather was dead. Finally Dad did call to tell me that he had come out of the surgery alive. SIGH

So later that day I was talking online to my cousin Emily and somehow she mentioned that there was a second surgery. I didn’t know what was going on. She told me that the aneurysm surgery was over, but there had been internal bleeding and they put him back into surgery. I called my parents to let them know since Grandma hadn’t called them. Friday night my dad flew down to Florida. He had called Grandma that morning at 9:30 and she said she was on the way to the hospital. They had called her and told her to get down there right away. We didn’t hear back from her until my dad arrived at midnight on Friday. So, Friday was hell as well. He spent the weekend down there and came home Sunday. Friday after orchestra rehearsal, I left with Mel and Jenn to spend the weekend at Mel’s house. I didn’t know if I would be flying to FL for a funeral, but I didn’t want to put my life on hold until then. The weekend was nice and relaxing (I rode a snowmobile!!) but I was worried about my grandfather. I called Mike on Saturday to let him know what was going on. At that point I really didn’t know if I would be going down to FL and I wanted to warn him that he might not be able to come out and see me. He ended up calling me a few hours later to tell me he decided not to come at all. (More on that another time.) The situation with my grandfather as of today is this: He is not breathing on his own. His kidneys are not working. But he’s off more of the medication and they are hoping to take him off the respirator sometime this week. The doctors have been saying recovery is going to be 5-6 months and there is always the possibility that we could lose him at any moment. He hasn’t been getting really a lot better, but he also hasn’t been getting any worse. Grandma says he’s responding to her a little, but Dad said he wasn’t so sure about it. So we pray and we wait and cling to the hope that he will beat this as well.

You thought I was done, didn’t you…..

Monday was relatively relaxed and “normal.” I was really bummed about Mike not coming, but on one hand I wasn’t completely surprised. Tuesday morning I was in the Cafe getting some coffee and Megan (oboe studio gal) came up to me and asked if I had heard about Sarah’s (another oboe studio gal) mom. She had been killed in a car accident on the way to work that morning. Sarah had gone home and Doc (and everyone else) was pretty shaken. I didn’t know how to process it. I’m not sure that I’ve even processed it now. The whole oboe studio is pretty upset. Missy lost her mother three years ago to breast cancer and a lot of this is bringing up emotions for her. In general, it brings up past emotions of losing anyone of the people I love. Its different obviously because its not my mom. For Missy its also different because this is more shock than sorrow. Missy knew it was coming and for Sarah this was completely out of left field. Missy keeps making references to how she felt when she lost her mom and how she dealt, or didn’t deal, with it. Sarah asked Nissa if the oboe studio could come to the wake tomorrow night. Everyone but Missy is going to be there. Missy says that she thinks its shitty that everyone is going to invade Sarah and her space. She said that when her mom died, she hated having everyone come at her. I totally respect and understand that might have been how she felt. But Sarah is different and the situation is different. Sarah also asked that we come out there to be with her. So Missy is kind of pissing me off because she’s only thinking about how she reacted and not thinking about how Sarah is reacting. Granted, this may bring up too many emotions for Missy to deal with. But Missy is mad at the rest of the oboe studio, because we aren’t acting according to her wishes. It pisses me off because this is typical Missy attitude. She thinks about how she feels and reacts and is, as opposed to thinking about ANYONE else. So tomorrow the entire oboe studio (except Missy) is going to the wake. Missy has really been getting on everyone’s nerves lately and this really might be the last straw. Its getting to that point with me. She can be sweet and nice, but there’s an annoying edge to her. I told her about my grandfather on Friday in rehearsal cause I was really close to crying all day long. She was nice and everything, but she had that “Oh, its only your grandfather. I’ve lost my mother” attitude to her. At this point, I don’t fucking care. I love my grandfather and Sarah loves her mother. We all grieve differently and in a large respect, I admire Sarah for knowing that she wants us to be there for this. I’m not sure I’d even know how to deal with my mother suddenly dying. I know my friends would do whatever I asked of them, but I don’t think I’d know what to ask. I didn’t know what to ask when my grandfather died or Matt or Danny or anyone.

It just seems like I keep getting kicked in the gut. Everytime I get back to my feet, something else comes along and just smacks me back down. Part of me wants to say that Sarah’s mom is the third thing, so nothing else bad is going to happen at the moment, but I don’t really really believe that. And on top of all this, Mike is back (sort of) and I’m trying to deal with that and all that means.

And people wonder why I’m tired.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist inyour side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

With or Without You ~ U2